The Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory

“The ultimate urban legend/conspiracy theory

The KKK is endorsed by Procter and Gamble, who also supports the
satanists, and who sold Mrs. Field?s cookie recipe to Neiman Marcus
for $2,000 after the kiddie tatoos laced with LSD that were supposed
to be used for satanic ritual abuse at that day care center in
Beaufort were mistakenly eaten by the choking doberman who was bitten
by the snake that came out of the fur coat that was worn by the
escaped homicidal maniac whose hook prosthesis was found hanging from
the door of the car of the teenagers who high-tailed it out of a
lover?s lane when they heard that he had escaped and then went to the
pot party where the kids who were supposed to be babysitting got high
on marijuana and were so stoned they accidentally put the baby in the
oven instead of the turkey that makes you sleepy because it contains
tryptophan unlike the deep-fried dead rat in bucket of chicken that
the woman realized she was eating when the lights came on after the
blackout that was caused by the microwave that was ruined by the
exploding poodle that was being dried by the girl with the beehive
hairdo that turned out to contain roaches, but she had gotten an
automatic ?A? at college because her roommate had committed suicide
after chasing the vanishing hitchhiker who had tried to warn the girl
that her insides were cooked because she had stayed too long under the
sun lamp at the local tanning salon while her dad poured a load of
concrete into a new convertible parked outside of the house because he
thought it belonged to a guy who was having sex with his wife but was
really a prize he had won in a contest at that radio station that
played rock records that contained hidden commands and subliminal
messages planted by the Jews, international bankers, the Trilateral
Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Illuminati, the New
World Order, multinational corporations, right wing militias, Jerry
Falwell, the Christian Coalition, Planned Parenthood, and the spooks
at Hanger 18 of Area 51 who performed the autopsies on the aliens who
crashed at Roswell, New Mexico while on a mission to abduct people and
conduct weird sexual and reproductive experiments on them because they
knew we use only ten percent of our brains and that engineers had
?proven? that bumblebees can?t fly and that sugar wakes you up even if
you?re a CIA agent who has recovered memories about conspiring with
organized crime and anti-Castro extremists to kill JFK with a magic
bullet, and then killed dozens of other people whose odds of all dying
within the period in which they did are the same as the odds of all
those boats disappearing without a trace in the Bermuda triangle,
which is infintesimal even if you don?t count their near-death
experiences in which an angel guided them to the light before they
were called back because it wasn?t time for them to die like Mikey
from the Life cereal commercials did after eating Pop Rocks candy when
his friend Alice Cooper who was Eddie Haskell on Leave it to Beaver
woke up after a one night stand in a hotel only to find that the girl
he was with was gone and had written ?Welcome to the world of AIDS? in
lipstick on the bathroom mirror which terrified him because he knew
that it is just as easy to get AIDS from heterosexual intercourse as
it is from homosexual sodomy with an IV drug user because when the US
government created AIDS to commit genocide against blacks who aren?t
adversely affected by the minimum wage with the aid of Korean grocers
who don?t give anything back to the community they knew that Anne
Klein had said on the Donahue show that she didn?t want blacks buying
her clothes just like Liz Claiborne said on Oprah because of that
poison they put in the fried chicken at Church?s so The Rich can keep
the poor down because they can?t be rich if nobody is poor and there
would be a massive coverup like the Philadelphia Experiment or the
carburetor that can allow a car to get 100 mpg in perpetual motion by
violating the scond law of thermodynamics just like Nikolai Tesla had
done a hundred years ago using the same principal that Uri Geller uses
to bend spoons and psychic friends use to give you valuable insights
that improve your life for amusement purposes only while smoking a
cigarette with boosted nicotine that has no more been proven to give
you cancer than evolution has been proven to be scientific fact
because it?s only a theory unlike creation science which proved that
the world is 10,000 years old and pointed out that there are no
transitional fossils or traces of bigfoot other than the footprints of
the ones that flew away in the UFO that beamed up the logger who had a
fear of irradiated food which is rational because we know it?s bad
just like the assault weapons that are more dangerous than other
semi-automatic weapons because they look scary and ugly and are okay
to ban because guns don?t kill people, bullets kill people, and
countries where the state doesn?t permit its citizens to own guns have
less crime and lower taxes and better medical systems which is why the
UN is going to take over the world with its black helicopters and put
computer chips in tatoos on our wrists so that we don?t have to worry
about the government using spy sattelites to take photos of us
sunbathing nude in the backyard with a soda from which you have to
save the metal tab to help a dying kid get a new kidney to replace the
one that was stolen when he was drugged in Mexico and the doctor
removed the wrong leg by mistake and put it in the medical waste bin
next the lunch that belonged to the surgeon who accidentally took home
the small ice cooler with the human heart so that in the middle of the
transplant operation all they had was a roast beef sandwich and the
overweight girl in the next room never knew she was pregnant because
you can?t get that way the first time, unless you use one of the
condoms that the nuns secretly put holes in with the needles that were
used inject the military with the Anthrax vaccine that doesn?t work
and actually kills some people like the cars that accelerate out of
control when the drivers are sure they?re pushing down on the brakes
to avoid the pickup truck with the exploding side mounted gas tanks
and the Pinto with the rear mounted model and the dead body still in
the trunk that was locked when the guy bought the car, which he
finally found when the smell overwhelmed the human phermones in his
girlfriend?s perfume that controlled his unconscious mind just like
the subliminal snack bar ads at the movie theater and the political
ones on the television that was showing the news story about the image
of Jesus that appeared on a flour tortilla and a concrete floor and a
billboard near the tree where you could see the Virgin Mary by looking
into the sun just right and squinting your eyes because you don?t want
to use the eye drops that contain the sulfuric acid and were on the
store shelf with the soda bottle in which the man found a human finger
and near the apples that contained the razor blades when the kids got
them while trick-or-treating on Halloween night while the teenage
satanists who cause all the crime were sacrificing the stolen pets in
the graveyard near the mortuary where the girl was accidentally locked
in with the bodies overnight and her hair turned white and she always
slept in the daytime after that because her house was under the power
lines that caused all of the birth defects in the kids that ran the
teenage prostitution ring at the school where lightning struck the
football field and killed the entire team during practice...

But I digress.”

“Have you ever heard a movie review that ripped up a movie, but then when you saw the movie yourself you thought it was really well done?

Proofs of a Conspiracy was written long before all this other stuff. I read it 25 or 30 years ago and suggest people read it and judge for themselves.”

“ROTFLMMFAO Violin”

“Do you know the roots of the Illuminati? The Illuminated Ones from the mountains of Afghanistan!

Pipeline/schpipeline... this stuff gets deep!”

“LOL!
I first read about the Illuminatti in a book called "None Dare Call it Conspiracy" which the John Birch Society passed out about 30 years ago.

They believed that the Vietnam war was part of a conspiracy to weaken and humiliate the US.”

“If it was possible that 19 hijackers took control of four US commercial aircraft and flew them into various targets on Sept. 11th could it not also be possible that similarly minded individuals fired a heat seeking "Stinger" type missle from a private launch and downed TWA Flt.800?
Over 100 people saw something arc upward from ocean level and strike that plane. Some of those people were military and civilian pilots.

Or was it the US Navy? Naval vessels were conducting war exercises in that area at the same time. Those excercises included the use of drone target aircraft. Is it too hard to believe that someone in the Navy made a mistake and didn't want you to know it?

Now if either of these two scenerios aren't within the realm of possibility then please tell me how you get J4 aviation fuel to violently detonate in a fuel tank that is not a pressure vessel? Remember, this explosion, according to the FBI, blew the aircraft into two separate pieces. Therefore the detonation had to be very powerful. But J4 is almost like kerosene or diesel fuel. You need high compression (as in cylinder/piston pressure) for explosive ignition. Not only that. Any sort of ignition can only occur if the fuel/air ratio is within the upper and lower levels of combustion. The FBI says that high compression and the right air/fuel mixture existed inside the fuel tank.

Many trained people think that there are aspects of the CIA/FBI's theory that just don't add up. Knowing the "batting averages" of both these organizations makes one wonder.

Please explain it to me.”

“Proofs of a Conspiracy was written in 1798, which makes the contents of the book even more remarkable. It is a stretch to associate it with everything going on today.

What Robison talked about is considered common knowledge in some countries.”

“Judging by the title, I thought this thread was about the US government. Look out! Terrorists flying planes into nuclear reactors! Terrorists bombing California bridges! Terrorists in shipping containers! Terrorists flying crop dusters!

All the propaganda coming from the government is just wild panic-inducing BS intended to divert attention from the failing war and ineptitude of the US government.”

“And just who do you think illuminated the illuminatti?”

“I wouldn't believe any of that if I could believe our government didn't off JFK.”

“50 Awful Things About The Illuminati

What does the eye in the pyramid mean? And why is there one on the dollar bill?

What does fnord mean?”

“This is what happens when people get bored with their own mundane lives and try to stimulate themselves with theories and unrealistic hype. Reality is not exciting enough so they re-invent it.

Blaming the rich and powerful for your woes while you get stoned and drunk is a widespread behavior pattern.”

“Which thread had the Pepsi can bong construction details on it? My sort-term memory just ain't what it used to be.”

“I think that was in the, 'Why do you think they call it Dope" thread.”

“Solitary Hiker, regarding your stinger missile question. TWA 800 blew up around 14k( i believe) ft a stinger has a max range of less than 10k feet.”

“Re: 50 Awful Things....

Anyone can make a web page. I know...I do it all the time.

Denying a conspiracy exists is one thing. Proving it is another because they are, by nature, clandestine.”

“OH MY GOSH Its time to dig a hole in the back yard and hid from everyone. Or is that what THEY want you to do?? ;-)”

“Wow, way to get off the couch Birch. Good Answer. Another clue might have been that their was no 'intrusive' damage to the plane.”

“According to whom, bacpac? The people covering it up? LOL”

“birch,
I have heard that TWA 800 was higher than the operational ceiling of the Stinger. Still Stinger technology is 15 to 20 years old. Who is to say that the Chinese or Russians didn't build an improved version of the missle. Weren't the original Stringer designs wire guided. Aren't they now heat seeking?”

“bacpac,
That's what the Feds say.... but I think I heard certain parts of the plane in the crucial area around the wings and fuselage were not recovered or at least that's what the government says. And remember the Feds say the severed fuselage/wings/ and tail section continued to fly along for several miles while the section forward of the wings plummeted to earth. The front section is supposedly the part everyone mistook for a missle. But how they mistook something going down for something going up down is the part I can't figure out. Over 100 observers made this mistake? Come on? Sounds like typical federal government bull$hit to me.”

“Stinger technology has NEVER been wire guided. It has always been heat seeking. That why the Mujihadeen quikly learned to fire the stinger from a mtn. top down onto the rotor/motor assembly of Russian Hin-D helicopters, it has the largest heat signature. Wire guided has been reserved for the TOW (Tubularly launched Optically guided Weapons sysytem) anti-tank system. Its obsolete IMHO,the firer must keep his target withinh the crosshairs at all times to ensure a kill. Imagine trying to follow a plane 10k ft away doing 400+ mph,fat chance!

The chinese dont do a lot of missle development on a large scale. They purchase most of there tech from other countries and try to duplicate it,reverse engineering.

Designing a shoulder launched weapon with a range of 20k (thats 4 miles remember) is a difficult task. The target is going over 400mph. The stinger is still the creme-de-le-creme of shoulder fired technology.”

“Let me add to my comments about the Chinese, It should have said " shoulder fired missile technology" the ChiComs LOVE big missles.”

“Because it's not common knowledge does not mean someone hasn't developed a "Stinger" type missle that can reach 14,000 feet. If it is possible to do 10,000 feet then someone is thinking 15,000 or even 25,000 feet.”

“That 50 things list contains a glaring inaccuracy. Not all information from completed questionairres goes to the illuminatti.

”

“Sadly, though, I must anounce that the Hughes brothers' new movie "From Hell" (a very very well done movie by the way) makes it clear that Jack the Ripper was p[art of a British Royalist masonic conspiracy.”

“Solitary Hiker, that is a grasp at straws.

Firstly on wire guided That is Anti tank weapons like the older Dragon and the TOW - have you ever seen a spool of wire that was 4 KM long? Well that is the TOW, and it is pretty dang big. To make a wire guided ariel missile that could shoot 10KM and also have extra slack to track a moving target would mean making a missile that was all fuel and wire. LOL

Now getting back to a 14 KM shoulder fired missile. Needs more fuel, because it needs more fuel is has to be bigger, because it is bigger it needs even more fuel, etc, etc. SAMs that shoot 14+ KM are larger - like the HAWK missile that took a truck trailer to carry it, and a bunch of hardware to lock on and launch, or the soviet SA13s which are mounted on armored carriers. Hulk hogan wouldn't be able to hold and fire a shoulder launch missile that goes 14 KM. 25KM is the range or really BIG missiles like the Patriot which need a semi truck to shoot that sized missile.

Back to original missiles, the Stinger is an improved version of the Redeye that is 20 year old technology, the Stinger isn't that old. It came out in the Mid 80's and we started sending what was considered our advance technology to defeat the Russians. But the Technology was in seeker heads, not magic rocket fuel.

Anyway, if you have seen footage of Patriots shooting in the Gulf, that is about what it would look like to see one fire - big streak of flame flying at Mach 2-3 to the target. I've seen Stingers night fire and they are cool to watch and couldn't be mistaken for anything else.

As for J4 aviation fuel (not to be confused with Aviation gas that is volitile as all get out) - you are right on the money. J4 is like Kerosene, it doesn't blow up without a lot of pressure - unless it is vaporized in a very large container of air. Heck you could throw a match into a bucket of it and put out the match. But J4 can be used in a fuel air bomb but not as efficently as something like gasoline. I don't know the characeristics of aircraft fuel tanks or how at that high of an altitiude some one could vaporize J$ in the fuel tank to where it could explode, but such an explosion if done correctly is exuivelent to low grade nuclear weapons and the Soviets have developed about 14 different systems from shoulder fired, to truck mounted, to gravity bombs that use this principle.

Dang I can ramble.”

“Fnord is where the buses hide at night.”

“Okay Sgt Rock...we've already established that the Stinger wasn't wire guided about a half a dozen posts ago. Let's move on okay?

And if you read my post you will see that I said Stinger technology was 15 to 20 years old. We (at least I) don't need advanced calculus or intuitive logic to realize that those numbers do indeed reach back into the "Mid 80s."

And finally, we are not we are talking about a Stinger type missle that would be capable of reaching "14 KM." No one mentioned the word kilometer. We were talking about feet, as in 10K feet (10,000).

So again I would muse that some industrious Russian, or Chinese, or Israeli, or even Iraqi rocket scientist has dreamed of putting enough fuel in a Stinger type missle to reach one those F-14s cruising around at 15 to 25K FEET up.

Now the fuel question. Unless 747s have switched over to AV gas recently I still claim that you can't get JP4 to detonate explosively (in a low pressure vessel i.e. the fuel tank) so that a 747 was blown into two pieces. From what I have read the lab guys at the FAA and the FBI have been trying very hard but they still haven't been able to do it. And that's sort of bad when that's your main theory.

Thank God the American public is so stupid they will believe anything though. The Feds have gotten out of more jams that way.”

“OK 10K feet, the max height the stinger can hit is slightly over 15,000 feet, and comercial aircraft cruise at 30,000 feet, at least That was what I remember from international flights I've been on. Actualy I rember 35K, but we are splitting hairs here. Your still reaching because the Stinger is one of the longest range shoulder fired SAM. Russian and Chineese SAMS in the same catagory have an even shorter range.

I completly agree with you assesment of exploding fuel tanks to a point, you do not need to pressurize JP4 for an explosion. Like I said - large volume of air and fuel. BUT, it is possible to make a large explosion with a near empty fuel tank. Pressure is not required with a fuel air bomb, what is required is a large volume of fuel that is voprized and a large volume of oxgen. It is a very unsientific principle that allows a few hundred gallons of gasoline to act like a nuclear device, or even grain dust act like TNT. I also said I couldn't imagine how they could get JP4 to vaporize the right way inside a fuel tank, but I'm not an expert.

I also agree that Americans can be stupid, but it also applies to guys that buy into conspiracy theories with huge leaps of faith based on something some hoaky internet site puts out without doing some real fact checking instead of just checking other conspiracy sites for their wild facts.

I used to check out some of these sites and wish I still had access to some of the total fantastic crap that was on them. Like the one about the Soviet Army massing equipment in the Mohave desert for invasion of the US. They even had "Secret" pictures of real russian made stuff on rail cars going out there. If they would have just driven up the road to Fort Irwin they could have seen all the "Russians" out there fighting the American soldiers in the sands of Fort Irwin. But my guess was they didn't care, they wanted to prove something or someone was out to get them. A picture of BMP on a rail car in Californi is easy to get, hard to dispute, but incredibly easy to misrepresent.

The Feds do screw up, they do lie to protect themselves, and I rarely trust everything I hear, but I give the whatreallyhappened.com crowd the same credibility I give the tabloids with alien baby stuff. Sadly, I think that most alien baby tabloid readers at least know they are reading fiction.

BTW, I can hardly wait for you next original cut and paste, I mean post. Probably about how the feds flew the planes into the towers themselves to protect us from finding out the truth about Monica Lewinski and her alien baby.”

“Solitary, log into www.janes.com. It is the AUTHORITVE source for modern and obsolete military hardware. The info they publish pisses off many Pentagon folks since they dont publish "PR stuff" but have published classified info regarding weapons capabilities. You ask " how can they do this" easy, the are a British publication unfettered by our laws. BTW take cover...the black helicopters are coming!!!!!!!!!”

“Birch,

"The info they publish pisses off many Pentagon folks since they dont publish "PR stuff" but have published classified info regarding weapons capabilities. You ask " how can they do this" easy, the are a British publication unfettered by our laws."



But Burch, I thought Amerika had a free press? You mean the United States government actually suppresses the news? Gosh that's news to me.
And here I thought this was the land of the .........”

“It is called National Security. Maybe you should read up on it.”

“Of all our rights and freedoms, I dislike the "freedom of the press" one the most. Our media has become just as slimey, biased, incorrect half the time, and basically as untruthfull our politicians - anything for ratings. There was a time when the Press reported the news, not made it up. What we really need nowadays is "freedom from the press".”

“Sol, so everything should be shown to the public? All documents? All new weapons technologies? How bout the new JSF (that would be joint strike fighter)? How about all of our military plans? We could just tell everyone about what our military plans are cause that knowledge is much more important than the lives our our countrymen.

BTW your little "K" in America is such a neat touch. Very original.”

“Glad you like it”

“Well I guess it is true.”