Implausible biblical stories

“Noah got every animal on the earth into a ARK. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, flooding the entire earth.

Why didn't the animals eat each other? ... they must have been mighty hungry. He he he

How did Noah get animals from other continents to swim to Europe?

And how was there enough rain/water to cover entire continents?”

“I like the one where Mathew misinterprets Zachariah 9:9 and has JC riding into town on a donkey AND a colt.”

“he was riding a donkey and CARRYING a colt.

44-40!”

“Actually Spock, the story you are refering to actually did happen but not at the scale that is written in the bible. It was thousands of years before there was a written language so the story got bigger and bigger each time it was told to the next generation. Also, the "known" world was extremely small back then. So to the people experiencing it, it was the entire world being flooded.

The current theory is at the end of the last great Ice Age, the black sea was about 1/3 it's current size. When the ice started to melt, it was filling the oceans faster than the Black Sea. When the oceans got high enough, it breached the land bridge seperating the Black Sea from the Mediterranian. It's estimated that the flow entering the Black Sea was as great as 100 Niagra falls and it filled up the Black Sea valley in 30-90 days.”

“Spock, The Bible is not on CNN. Maybe you should try reading a book. May I suggest..... The Bible?”

“Did you see last weeks national Geographic Reptiles? I found that very interesting also. Who says there's nothing good on TV.

Something that is very hard to study but is very, very interesting is the virgin birth.”

“A long time ago I read an article about the Jewish-Palestinian war. A bullet went through a Jewish soldier's scrotum and struck a female Jewish soldier's uterus. Oooouch. She was still a virgin...a few months later she realized she was pregnant. Is this considered as a "virgin birth"?”

“Sure, why not? Accept for the fact that you'd never get any, how shall we say, spunk to stick to a bullet traveling about 2,000 feet per second. Not taking into account that a bullet going that fast is so hot it would kill any swimmers stuck to it even if you could get it to stick. Sounds like I got some sperimentin' to do this here weekend..."Honey, where's maw .22? I wanna try sometin'. Now just stand right over there. Don't worry 'bout why my pants are off. Don't worry now an' hold REAL still....[POW!] Oh crap! You OK baby? Does it hurt bad? I'm sorry Darlin! They fliched an' jumped at the last second!"

But yeah,sure. Why not?”

“Lol Nigal...U and the wifey into S&M?

Maybe the slug ricocheted a few times before striking them?”

“Funny G-d stuff:

From: The Offices Of The Lord God
To: People Of The Earth
C.C.: Satan@universaldomination.org
Subject: Religious Observance No-Nos

No Consolidations
The Lord feels that hybrid religions like ?Jews For Jesus? are too confusing. He says that you might as well title a religion ?Atheists For Allah? or ?Arabs For Safer Plane Travel.?
God also cautions that the danger of consolidating two religions is that they may keep getting each other?s mail.

No Cake In Church
The Lord advises against serving baked goods at church functions. Besides being high in fat, God feels that serving baked goods will encourage people to come only for the Danish and coffee ... which the Lord considers an irresistible combination.

No Priest/Rabbi
Pow-wows
The Lord hereby declares a moratorium on all early morning television programs which pair a priest and a rabbi. Ostensibly, these shows are meant to convey an open and frank discussion on religion.
God, however, finds that the religious leaders often engage in a type of mock civility, which belies their deep-seated animosity. The supposed willingness of both men to see eye to eye on religion is too transparent and quite upsetting to the Lord. He often changes channels.

No More Mountain Imagery
Lately, it has come to the Lord?s attention that preachers have been overdoing the mountain imagery in their sermons. They preach: ?I have been to the mountaintops and I have seen the valleys.? Quite honestly, we don?t know who, besides John Denver or a few stray mountain goats, was ever impressed by this kind of stuff anyway.

No Absolutes
Some people might feel inadequate if they don?t hold an absolute and unshakable conviction that God truly exists. Well, we here in the head office are proud to introduce a new category of religious belief: ?The sneaking suspicion that God exists.? This type of belief is to be based on word of mouth, religious-type books, and the preponderance of Christmas-time specials featuring agile wooden puppets.

No Former Brat-Packers Cast In Biblical Roles
Recently, ?80s hair-band icon, Loverboy?s Patrick Dempsey, was cast in a movie about Jeremiah. Bad move.
The Lord feels that casting decisions like this do not exactly give the Bible more gravitas. God is concerned that future biblical movies might star Emilio Estevez as Moses or Anthony Michael Hall as Rameses.
We also strongly advise against casting Harvey Keitel in any more biblical movies, ever. Just trust us.”

“Yes!

”

“The LORD ALMIGHTY takes it to the hole and puts it down with two hands baybeee! YESSSS!”

“The point of most of those stories is faith. Reptiles is right, those stories were told over and over before they were written down. So, they may not be exactly what happened, but the point is that those people depicted in the Bible had a great faith, and great things happened to them because of their faith.”