Father-Daughter And Sex

“I think that's part of being honest with them. They're not idiots. If you lie in part of your message, the rest goes out with the bath water.”

“Well said Violin. And kids can identify BS at an earlier age than we often suspect.”

“a couple of hours TownDawg - do you need a ride sometime?”

“I don't think you need to give a speech that says, "Sex Is Baaaaad, Kiddies!" What you need to do is talk to them about some of the responsibility that goes along w/ being sexually active. If they have a full understanding of what that entails they may be able to make a decision that is at least a more educated one. Carrying around an egg for a wk., and learning the basic birds and bees is not education. It is a joke. Drinking is a similar thing. There is no sense in saying, "Drinking is bad, do not ever do it." A parent needs to teach a child the responsibility that goes along w/ drinking.

Also, having a child when you are young and unwed does not make you a "bad example." Having a child and then not fully taking on all the resp. associated w/ caring for that child is a bad example. I have known teen parents who were wonderful parents and I have known parents in their 30's that were horrible parents. Assuming one is sexually active as a teen, but taking the proper precautions. Those methods fail and you find yourself w/ an unplanned pregnancy. Are you a bad example, because the methods you used failed and the methods of the other 99 kids didn't?”

“I do, however, agree that using no method is a bad example. It is an example of not taking the responsibility associated w/ sexual activity.”

“Teenagers have always had sex and always will. Educate them on ways to reduce the risks and hope for the best.”

“Oops!

By 'bad example' I meant a straight A student with career plans having to put that aside to struggle with supporting a baby on her own. Daddy was evidently a good looker, but a bum. Perhaps I could have phrased that better.”

“TD, dang man I wish I had some good advice. I have read some absolute gibberish here.

I wish I know who said this ..." If you are not ready to raise a child,you are not ready for sex."”

“Some of the logic here is the equivalent to saying "I dont want you do drugs, but since you will anyway let me buy the syringes for your heroin and you can shoot up here at home."”

“I don't know your situation but I have an eight year old son and a five year old daughter. My son will be big I need to worry about him. My daughter, well my son will be big (eats steroids in his cheerios)my son will be employed at an early age. Did I mention that my son will be big with a degree in martial arts. Tell me how it comes out so I know what to do.”

“Teens involving themselves in sex, are by the very definition IRRESPONSIBLE!! If anything, anything at all, happens, they place some body else responsible for their actions.

Get a disease and their parents have to pay (or the insurance company) to hopefully get rid of it. Make a baby and we all pay for it through medicaid and all the support programs there are. And then what happens to a single parent child. I believe the statistics bear out that they do not do as well in life, in reguards to supporting themselves.

So when my child says "why can't I?", I generally come across with a response something like this: You got a goooood job? How'd you like to work twice as much and not buy CD's, but have to buy diapers instead? Never have any of that money in your pocket, never hang with your friends. The typical reply: I can handle it if it happens. My retort: Are you prepared??? NOW???? Show me your bank account.

That's generally about as far as this conversation goes. Others go much farther. Those are other discussions. It's a bit of an eye opener for them after other discussions. This one only talks about the all important dead presidents. Hasn't even addressed the well being, love and nurturing of the babies and partners.

UK now steps off the soap box and nearly breaks an ankle due to it's height. Peace.”

“lee made an extremely good point. Those are exactly the kind of conversations I've been having with my son.”

“I've got a 16 year old girl who has been described as "Having a nice rack" by someone that did not know I was her father at the time. I have headaches daily. My doctor thinks it is migrains, I know it is the teenager.

I find it a constant challenge to know what to do. No matter what you think of a teenager, they are the definition of "irresponisible".

Just when you think the child has gotten their act together and are flying straight is the day you get the call wanting to know whey they have been skipping 5th hour for the last three weeks or something equally as outrageous.

She changes boyfriends like the wind. Some are nice, some are DIRTBAGS! One even had me at the school and the police as well as his parents getting into his a$$. The last three have actually had the nerve to PROPOSE! WTF are they thinking? Well as an ex-teenage male I know exactly what they are thinking.

Here is my guiding principles I've developed and will hopefully see me thru until she lives to 21:

1. I don't know what she is thinking, ever. I don't even try anyomore. It never helps.

2. I was a teenage boy and know exatly what they are thinking. This I can deal with.

3. I now meet EVERYONE of them, plus their parents. And we maintain regular comunications. I always ask where they are going and what they are doing.

4. Anyone I don't like. I tell him immediately and tell him where to go. This has worked on more guys than I expected. I guess if I was a teenage guy I would go with the path of lest resistance too.

5. Make sure she is fully aware of the problems of teenage pregnancy. Amazingly there is lots of examples right in their own classes. But kids always think they are invincible.

6. Make birth control available.”

“Ah Town Dog, your post is reaching right into my top five reasons why my "Nigal Seed" shall never find an egg, and believe me, it's a long list. 8)

My brother told me once that when his new daughter reaches 12-14 she will have to start getting "allergy shots" from the doctor. Kind of a good alternative when ya think about it. You keep the kid from getting fertalized and she doesn't have the "If Dad gives the birth control to me it means I can snog at will." thinking.

Childhood shaging is a terrible thing.”

“lol... good stuff here.. the one common thread I do NOT agree with is the one that goes somewhat like this..

well I know you are tempted.. and since you are, and most likely will give in at SOME point.. here is some birth control..

One of the girls who is Jordan's age just lost hers 11/23. The guy's dad gave him some condoms saying the equivalent.. ("well if you do, at least use some protection, ehh?")

She is excited and bragging that she is no longer a virgin, and can't wait to get another chance, even if it is with some other guy, cos it felt so good.

I am like.. what the hell is wrong with these kids?”

“TownDawg, the biggest factor influencing your daughter on this issue is her friends. Therefore, she has a problem. The television, music videos, and product advertisers are on her friends' side. Even if you had been able to steer her to friends who were likely to hold out until marriage, it would be a treacherous journey. Her friends, however, are on the other side of the spectrum, so you have a problem. It all hinges on how much value she places on your approval of her. If she feels that you already disapprove, or are too hard to please, she will conceal her actions and do what she wants. If she truly feels that your approval is obtainable and valuable, she will absorb your advice and want to follow it. It will help if she has a clear idea of what exactly a lot of guys are thinking. Some of the threads on this board illustrate the good and the bad on this issue. Does she want guys to talk about her like she is worthless? She needs to understand that this will happen whether she has sex with them or not. Then she can decide if it is worth it to her, or better to skip that scene until she and her peers are truly adults with budding careers and some maturity.”

“Uphill and SGT, I understand why you say teens are irresponsible. I see examples of it every time I visit one of those classrooms. Immediately making the decision that they are irresponsible no matter what isn't right. It leaves them w/ no choice but to live up to that idea.”

“I think Splash makes a good point. Friends of ours have a daughter the age of our oldest. They always tell us how she won't be allowed to date until she's much older and how she wouldn't do this or that. We found out that their daughter's grown sister used to sneak out of the window at night to meet up with boys. Of course it's important to set boundries but if they are too unrealistic, all the rules are made to be broken. I think mutual trust and communication are very important. My brother-in-law (the one with two unplanned grandchildren) was very strict but uninvolved.”

“Like others have said, I think it's very cool that your daughter even had the balls, ummmmm I mean boobs. . .oopsie. . .to even be able to carry on a conversation with you about sex. I couldn't imagine talking about that with mine. I think if you keep the lines of communication open with your daughter, she will talk to you and open up to you (hopefully) as situations arise. You can guide her from there. Offer her advise when she is telling you what is going on.

I worry about this too. My oldest son is only 6. He already has a girlfriend. He tells me that he loves her, he holds her hand and she is always hugging him. Last night he went on for about an hour off and on, about this little girl. At that age I know it is cute and innocent but it seems like my little Austin is going to be a little Romeo. All I can do now is listen to everything he has to say about what is going on with the two of them and interject as needed, in the hopes that I am laying down a foundation of trust so he will continue to talk to me when he is older. Good Luck!”

“My three younger daughters have been very responsible. However, they have the example of their oldest sister going through teen pregnancy and single motherhood. That is enough to sober most people up. I had the same example with my older sister, and my eyes were opened, wide!
I like the idea of introducing her to an unwed teenage mother. Even if it is going well for the mother, (as it is with my daughter), a girl, (or boy), can see what a responsibility parenthood is, and what you sacrifice to be a parent.
For parents of boys, I would say that I know several men who became "fathers" in high school, and regret that they have nothing to do with their children, now that they are older. That is a heart-break that does not go away.”

“Newgirl, I think you have me wrong. I didn't decide my daughter was irresponsible and then watch her be. What I see is someone I give responsibility to and expect to do the right thing. But like I said, as soon as I think she has things going well I find out she has been skipping after school band practice for a month to hang out with a total dirtbag.”

“I don't see anything wrong with telling your daughter that ideally, she should refrain from sexual activity until she is older and/or married. Sex is quite a heavy emotional burden for a girl her age to deal with. It can make relationships seem a lot more serious than they are in reality. Who knows, she may actually listen to you. Once her virginity is gone she can't get it back. At least she should give it some serious thought, and not just give in to the first guy who pressures her.”

“Newgirl, I think you have me all wrong. I have always epected the best from my kids and have given them enough guidance and direction to do so. They have never felt the need to live down to some .... whatever you want to call it. They have shown through their actions that they can be responsible, and that they can be irresponsible. It's part of growing up. For example, sometimes when they let the dog out, they don't put her on a leash. Now that's irresponsible. What if she ran out after a car???

When I expect that they will act responsibly, they know that I want them to have a good time, enjoy life and all that stuff. But under no circumstances are they to cause harm, damage or expence to any one or anything. They do know right from wrong, and as a father I do hold them accountable. When they do well, kudos to them. When they don't, repair, restitution, repentance and an apology are in order.

When it comes to teen sex, I make them very aware of the damage that can come from it. They have neither the means or capability to make repairs, restitution, or an adequate apology. How do you make up for giving some one AIDS??? Or getting pregnant?? And that is exactly my point. Doing this to some one else is absolutely irresponsible. Put any spin on it you like, call it any thing you want, a teen ager causing this harm to some one else is just plain irresponsible. They are never prepared for the consequences of these actions.

We were all teens once. Were any of us prepared to atone for giving some one a disease, or a child. I don't think so. Some of us were just plain lucky, and didn't. Others of us weren't so lucky and did the best we could. But I'll bet that things were never really made right.

Someone said something of letting your kids know that your approval was obtainable. My approval was/is always obtainable for my children. But never when they act in an irresponsible manner. That is just a really sick notion.

I really don't want to sound sarcastic, but I would like to hear from any one who, through teen age sex, improved relations with their parents. Or created a baby, and have that baby live a fulfilling life, from birth. Or transmitted disease and improved a personal relationship. I do believe there are a few good stories out there. But I also beluieve that there are many more bad ones out there.

BTW I am also sure there are many bad stories about "moral" marriges out there also. But the ratio of good stories , I am sure, is much higher. It's just that, I too was involved in teen age sex, and while it seemed fun, I was in no way prepared for the consequences, and decided to return to celibacy for a time. I've done both at that age and can speak from experience.”

“Uphill, I appreciate everything that you are saying. I also think that the majority of teenagers would blow your warnings off. I don't understand why; I have a friend who's sister died of aids received from her boyfriend. But a father's approval is not a multiple-bestowed item. It is a general overall feeling the child has that their father thinks that they are a good, valuable person. Your actions every second that you deal with your teenager will affect the balance of this. If you tell them black and white, like you just stated, the dangers and ugliness of ignoring responsibilities, they will know what you expect them to do. But approval of them is separate. Make sure there is lots of real obvious love in your actions as well as reprimands, and they will know that your approval is available to be earned. Some kids feel that no one notices them until they disobey a rule. This is often especially true of fathers, at least in my generation. All kids need to be close to a Dad-like person; it is supposed to help their ability to be successful in future adult relationships.”

“Splash, I do agree that kids will blow off the warnings. They (and I certainly did) think they are bulletproof. My "passion" in this discourse is the atmosphere of approval and "let em do it 'cause you once did". I never received approval from my parents, and I can see why.....now. I don't feel that warrants my approval of their irresponsible actions. In short, they'll get the same grief I got, and words of advice, sage counsel, if you will...

Also a ready friend for when it all comes down.”

“Splash, I do agree that kids will blow off the warnings. They (and I certainly did) think they are bulletproof. My "passion" in this discourse is the atmosphere of approval and "let em do it 'cause you once did". I never received approval from my parents, and I can see why.....now. I don't feel that warrants my approval of their irresponsible actions. In short, they'll get the same grief I got, and words of advice, sage counsel, if you will...

Also a ready friend for when it all comes down.”

“I agree, tell your daughter that most guy's will talk. Reputation goes down hill from the first time and she will get many dates and few that will last for more than a month. I am 36 years old and still gauge a womans worth at times on how "easy" they are. I don't look for it but when it comes my way to fast then bye, bye baby. At the high school age I took what came my way first and then said bye, bye baby. All my buddies said the same thing. You face those people again at 10 and 20 years, tell her that she needs to walk with her head held high for the rest of her life. SEX AIN'T WORTH YOUR LIFE.”