Tora Bora Trip Report

“Hello all, I just returned from a great hike overseas in Afghanistan, and wanted to share the trip report with you.

Dec. 9 - Arrived in Kabul via a duct taped old cessna. It was a hell of a flight, but we made it safely. I met up with my guide Aboo, and a team of camels, and we headed out to the trail head. Aboo barely spoke any English. All he siad the entire time was "I like baseball, and screw Taliban." I figured he was freindly enough.

December 10th, arrived at trailhead. It was a peaceful morning, and the dew was lifting off of the hastily abondoned old russian tanks as I set forth on my journey. The beginning of the trail has some major blowdown (craters to be exact) form the recent bombings. At about noon, I stopped for lunch. I ran into some special forces guys, and all they seemed to ask about was the Giambi trade, and the Brittney Spears PETA poster. They were pretty cool, and laughed when I asked if they encountered any real resistance. They pointed to about 10 Afghani's with all their gaer strapped on their backs, and said they used them to pack all their stuff in. I guess it was a Taliban-A-Rama. At about 4:00, I ran into some haggled "thru-hikers". They saw my trekking poles and immidiately laid down their weapons and surrendured. I knew some French, and explained that I was American, and they didn't have to surrendur to me. The startled French guys picked up the weapons and high-tailed it outta there.

I set up camp and was enjoying the peace and quite, when all of the sudden, bombs started ripping apart the ridge next to mine! It was better than the Leonid showers!

December 11th. Broke camp early, and decided to explore some nearby caves. I found a few carcasses and literature on Allah, but other than that, nothing major. Hiked about 10 miles, and camped for the night.

December 12th. I ran across some freaky lookin' commie dude in the morning. He said that he was looking for O. Bin Laden, and wanted to help him fight the US becuase he thought Bush was a dim witted moron. I then knew it had to be Spock and got the hell out of there. I did, however, pee in his mountain house lasagna lunch when he wasn't looking.

Dec. 13. Last day of the hike. I saw nothing of real interest thus far, and the trail sucked. However, at about noon, i ran across some guy with a beard, dressed in robes, with piss stains all over the front of himself. I knew it had to be Bin Laden. Details of the capture:

I yelled out "Hey #&%!$, suck some sand or I'll kick your friggin' a$$." He hit the ground. I tied him up with some spare boot strapes and a few extra compression straps (I knew they'd come in handy). I tied some parachute chord around his waist, threw my pack on his back, and kicked his terrorist a$$ all the way down the rest of the trail.

When I finally reached the trailhead, a few GI's in a humvee picked me up, and we left for the airport. I collected my 25 million reward, boarded the plane and headed for home.

Well, gotta go, need to log onto REI and buy the company!”

“maybe you should use the money for rehab, to get off the CRACK YOU'RE SMOKIN', DUDE!”

“I don't think the heavy stuff is gunna come down for some time yet! Hike on!!”

“It's not Lucky Strike that they grow in the NP. You discover a lot of things when bushwacking and staying out of shelters.”

“Great Report "Friend"!
Looking Foward to the Pictures "Buddy"!
Did I happen to mention what a "Cool" guy you are?

Ya know, a Gregory Reality pack shure would look good on my back. "Pal"”

“I can't keep it straight.

Tora Tora? Bora Bora? Boola Boola?

WTF?”

“LOL BB”

“Great to hear of your success, BB. Great trip report! lol”

“Nice report--for pity sweet sake don't forget who your friends are after you buy REI”

“Probably could get REI for 25 mil. They are in deep debt and have been selling off assets like MSR recently. REI sold MSR this summer to Cascade Designs.”

“You'd never know REI was in trouble from a visit to their Seattle flagship store. That place is something else! And filled with salespeople who actually know most of what they're talking about.”

“Now....This is why i joined the TT community!!!
I think i might have added too many HOT peppers to your chili!!!”

“That is some funny stuff BB. Did you have to tie out your Osama for water at the rest breaks?
Keep on hikin'!!”

“Great trip report! I hope you kept your Osama on a leash and out of the water supply. I don't want to see an '@ssholes with Osama's' thread!”