Worlds funniest joke?

“This was voted the funniest jike in the world by laughlab.co.uk/home.html Serlock Holmes and Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night Holmes wakes his companion and says: Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce?Watson says: I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, Its quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out htere, there might also be life.
Holmes replies: Watson you idiot. Somebody stole our tent!”

“oh nooooooooooooooooo...


Have you heard the one about the sidewalk?”

“That happened to me once.”

“Zwei peanuts ver valking down de strasse when one of zem vas a salted ...

... peanut!”

“spock”

“Okay, so a genie walks into a bar.

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

The genie looks around and says "Are you kidding? I'm a genie!"

The bartender says "Look, we don't serve genies here."

The genie says "What? They sold me a chihuahua?"”

“All right, a lawyer walks into a bar.

The bartender says "We don't see many lawyers in here."

The lawyer leaves the bar and comes back in, three times.

The bartender says "See that drunk over there? If you beat up everyone in the bar that drunk will do you right here on the bar."

So the lawyer tosses back a beer and says "Moo."”

“So this string walks into a bar.

A blonde cozies up to the string and says "For a dollar I'll give you a night you'll never forget."

The string orders a Harvey Wallbanger.

The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you hold this pencil between your ass cheeks?"

The string stands up and says "I bet fifty bucks I could fly from here to the end of the bar and you'd laugh about it."”

“All right, a monkey walks into a bar.

The bartender says "You owe me a hundred bucks."

The monkey says "I'm not a monkey, I'm a duck!"

A lawyer says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a monkey"?

The monkey thinks a minute and says "I was talking to the the lawyer."”

“All right, a duck walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Look, we don't serve ducks here."

The duck gets flustered and doesn't know what to say.

The bartender stands up and says "What's it gonna be?"

The duck yells "All right! Where's that girl with the loose tooth?"”

“So much for marvin's "Joke Punchline Randomizer"”

“This nun walks into a bar.

A rabbi looks at the nun and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to give you a night you'll never forget."

The nun says "I'm not a nun, I'm a priest!"

The rabbi gets close to the nun and says "Give me a hundred bucks and I'll stick a cue ball in your mouth."

So the nun says "You're an #&%!$ when you're drunk, Superman."”

“Okay, so a truck driver walks into a bar.

The bartender says "See that midget over there? If you nail your feet to the floor that midget will #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

The truck driver says "Where's the bathroom?"

A Californian thinks a minute and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a truck driver"?

So the truck driver yells "Who the hell is Ross Perot?"”

“Marvin needs some new material. If I had a nickle for every time I heard that last one....”

“hay i want to know where this bar is??”

“The bar only exists in Marvin's head. You don't want to go there.”

“you can check in but you cant check out?? that kinda thing?”

“No, you can check out any time you like...........




.........but you can never leave!


What are colitas, and why is their smell so warm?”

“well thats about 5 minutes of my life ill never get back! :oP”

“Man oh man oh man.”

“My therapist's number is 1-800-you-suck.”

“he is at the adult party zone?
because when you dial that # thats what you get.
oh god im going to get fired if i get caught doing this stuff.”

“i'm skeered .. . ..”

“ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!

I needed a smile!

8)”

“You are often skeerd. Doesn't your Strat protect you?”

“well, i'm skeered that i actually wasted time reading the whole thred. so, in a way, yes.....my strat CAN protect me. If I was playin it I wouldnt be reading this.

Allright, allright...... 2 mormans and a rabii walk into a YMCA. The first morman says to the second, "man, look at the size of that diving board!" The second morman looks up and hits the rabii with a soap on a rope.


Man, that one gets me every time! ! !”

“I just read over Marvin's jokes again and laughed even harder the second time around..!

Whoever this guy is, I declare him a genius.”

“Don't you folks recognize coded messages when you see them? Frankly, I'm shocked that you have been given the answers to some of life's most difficult questions, and all you can think of is jokes. Oh, the shame of it all!”

“This Irishman walks into a bar.

A blonde pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna do the mattress Macarena with you all night long!"

The Irishman takes a deep breath and yells "I'd love to #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

The bartender says "See that priest over there? If you hold this pencil between your ass cheeks that priest will do anything you want, as many times as you want."

The Irishman says "DiMaggio?"”

“This dog walks into a bar.

A duck gets close to the dog and says "Give me a dollar and I'll beat up everyone in the bar."

The dog looks around and says "I'm not a dog, I'm a rabbi!"

The duck pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna give you oral pleasure like you wouldn't believe!"

The dog says "Wash your hands and get me a cheeseburger."”

“Okay, so a lady walks into a bar.

A guy gets close to the lady and says "Give me ten bucks and I'll do something nobody in this bar has ever seen before."

The lady orders a Manhattan.

The bartender says "See that rabbi over there? If you recite the Carmina Burana from memory that rabbi will #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

So the lady says "I was talking to the the guy."”

“This midget walks into a bar.

A lawyer says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a midget"?

The midget says "Are you kidding? I'm a midget!"

The bartender thinks a minute and says "Look, we don't serve midgets here."

The midget says "Moo."”

“LMAO! Not because the jokes are actually funny, they're just so absurd they're funny!”

“This rabbi walks into a bar.

A blonde gets close to the rabbi and says "Give me a quarter and I'll pull down your pants."

The rabbi quickly downs six Harvey Wallbangers, one after the other.

The bartender says "We don't see many rabbis in here."

The rabbi shouts "I'll have a vinegar and water."”

“This midget walks into a bar.

The bartender says "You owe me a twenty."

The midget thinks a minute and says "I'll take a whiskey."

The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "Look, you seem like a nice midget. Give me fifty bucks and I'll make it worth your while."

So the midget says "Whoa! I must look like a real idiot!"”

“All right, a monkey walks into a bar.

A drunk takes a deep breath and yells "I'd grant three wishes to the next person who walks through that door to get a drink."

The monkey stands up and says "I'll bet anyone a dollar I can stick a cue ball in your mouth!"

The bartender says "We don't see many monkeys in here."

The monkey says "I can't believe you thought I was a priest!"”

“Okay, so a truck driver walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you do something nobody in this bar has ever seen before?"

The truck driver takes a deep breath and yells "I'm waiting for a midget."

A duck says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a truck driver"?

The truck driver tosses back a Mai Tai and says "Sure, but don't hit me so hard with the hammer."”

“I didn't get that last one.....”

“This hooker walks into a bar.

The bartender stands up and says "Look, you seem like a nice hooker. Give me a quarter and I'll make it worth your while."

The hooker orders a whiskey.

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

So the hooker starts chanting "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"”

“All right, a genie walks into a bar.

A pig pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna take you into the back room and give you the best sex of your life!"

The genie says "I'm waiting for a dog."

The pig says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a genie"?

So the genie yells "All right! Where's that girl with the loose tooth?"”

“This Irishman walks into a bar.

The bartender says "See that duck over there? If you get up on the bar and do the Hokey-Pokey that duck will do anything you want, as many times as you want."

The Irishman leaves the bar and comes back in, three times.

The bartender says "We don't see many Irishmen in here."

So the Irishman looks around and says "Paint my house."”

“So this lady walks into a bar.

The bartender says "See that monkey over there? If you fly from here to the end of the bar that monkey will do you right here on the bar."

The lady says "I'll bet anyone a hundred bucks I can beat up everyone in the bar!"

A bum cozies up to the lady and says "For a quarter I'll do anything you want, as many times as you want."

So the lady yells "Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?"”

“This blonde walks into a bar.

The bartender tosses back a Mai Tai and says "We don't see many blondes in here."

The blonde quickly downs six Mai Tais, one after the other.

The bartender says "Look, we don't serve blondes here."

So the blonde holds the bartender over her Mai Tai and yells "Spit it out you bastard!"”

“This blonde walks into a bar.

A rabbi pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna give you oral pleasure like you wouldn't believe!"

The blonde takes a deep breath and yells "Whatever."

The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you recite the Carmina Burana from memory?"

So the blonde thinks a minute and says "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"”

“This hooker walks into a bar.

A rabbi says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a hooker"?

The hooker tosses back a bourbon and says "I'll take a bourbon."

The rabbi says "I'd nail your feet to the floor to get a drink."

So the hooker shouts "You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"”

“Okay, so a Irishman walks into a bar.

A midget gets close to the Irishman and sits down and says "Give me a dollar and I'll hold this pencil between your ass cheeks."

The Irishman says "I'm waiting for a rabbi."

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

The Irishman says "You have a drink named Eric?"”

“Okay, so a lawyer walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you pull down your pants?"

The lawyer says "I'm not a lawyer, I'm a blonde!"

A priest says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a lawyer"?

So the lawyer thinks a minute and says "You better pet him first, he looks mean."”

“Wait, I remember some of those punch lines!”

“OK, so a guy wearing a tin-foil hat walks down a blonde.

The lawyer pours straight up the building, while raining.

The rabbi stops and turns blue, then smokes.

But the priest notices turning, and bolts.

The midget straps on a howitzer and says "Tin?"”

“Marvin are you splicing these jokes yourself, or is there an on-line joke splicer?”