Pekka (advice on China)

“The following has been ciruclating around a bunch of goverment, military and academic China hands. Apparently, the the author, Chaz Freeman, wrote it a few years ago and is in the process of adapting it. I thought you, and some other people with an interest in China might appreciate it:

The following advisory for American travelers heading to China was compiled
from information provided by the U.S. Department of State, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the Defense Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of
Commerce, the Washington Times, and other reliable sources, including some
very expensive U.S. spy satellites secretly controlled by China through its
paid agents and nominees in the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and the
Loral Corporation. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
No warranty of accuracy is intended or implied.

General Overview: China is a big country with a long history and an
especially dense population, situated in the southeast quadrant of Asia.
Some people believe that it is an important member of the world community,
but they have probably been paid to say so. China is bounded by Russia,
India, and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not
very good plumbing or shopping.

China is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Forbidden
City, the Great Wall, the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Tiananmen Square
("where the elite meet defeat"), and the Maosoleum (a world-famous display
of peasant under glass). Among China's contributions to world civilization
are bureaucracy, sea slugs, and the world's first entrepreneurial army.

Although China likes to think of itself as having friends all over the
world, its people still chew garlic instead of Certs and cannot produce
decent Mexican food. (Try the dog meat baozi instead.) China is home to
some of the world's most prominent ring-magnet manufacturers and provides
asylum to numerous contributors to the DNC. In theory, Hong Kong and
Taiwan are part of China but in practice they aren't. The national
ideology is Ma-Hu Zhuyi, based on the writings of Karl Marx and some
unpublished graffiti by Hu Yaobang.

The People: China has a population of 1.3 billion, give or take a digit or
two. The Chinese people are a hee-hee ha-ha group of fun-loving socialists
with Chinese characteristics, who have no concept of standing in line.

They are famous for downing tumblers of turpentine at dinners and for
losing games of paper-scissors-stones. They also provide brief
introductions to their factories, while practicing inscrutability. Chinese
people love cats, but only when they're stir-fried. Many of them will
respond in English, if you speak it loudly enough.

Most Chinese are members of the Communist Party, though you wouldn't guess
it from their behavior. Many people are moneychangers and you should watch
your change, as in any foreign country. Some Chinese men hold hands but it
doesn't mean what you think it does, most of the time. American men may
wish to consider wearing surgical gloves to ensure that their stand on such
behavior is understood.

Safety: In general, China is a safe destination, though travelers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Japan. By tradition,
Chinese allow themselves to be slaughtered more or less at once and, apart
from increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices and the possible loss of laundry services, life for the visitor goes
on much as before.

History: China was discovered by Marco Polo way back when. Other
important figures are Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Ziegler, Chapin, Buchanan, Dick
Solomon, and Lichade Nikesun. China's most famous leader was Deng
Xiaoping, a short guy with an attitude. Kissinger was there a lot, though
Kilroy never made it.

Government: The Chinese form of government is orderly and boring. The
central government pretends to make decisions and the provinces and
localities pretend to implement them, but everyone pretty much does his own
thing, especially if you pay them off. For administrative purposes, the
country is divided into provinces, provinces-in-rebellion, autonomous
regions, special municipalities, special administrative regions, and
provinces that don't give a damn about the foregoing. The principal
function of government is the perpetration of human rights violations and
other atrocities. According to the most current intelligence available to
the U.S. government, the President is someone named Chiang, sometimes
misspelled Jiang. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The Chinese pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and there is nothing more
boring than a Chinese novel. Chinese opera has given rise to a flourishing
market in earplugs but once you've seen one jade battle-axe, you've seen
them all.

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much grease you put on it, a sea
slug looks like a turd. Dog meat and bean curd with bull #&%!$, on the
other hand, is excellent, though it is difficult for most Americans to keep
from woofing it. In general, travelers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at McDonald's and other leading Chinese eateries with neon
signs and fluorescent lighting. (The best Chinese restaurants can always
be spotted. They are lit up like a ten-bed intensive care unit and display
portraits of Chairman Mao by someone other than Andy Warhol.)

Economy: China has a fast-growing economy, based on the export of nuclear
weapons, missiles, chemical precursors, and products of prison labor, as
well as all sorts of stuff at K-Mart. The currency is the Yuan, pronounced
Renminbi, which is worth about one bit. The major sources of employment in
China are silk-screened tee shirts, the operation of tourist traps,
sticking it to Tibetans, and the belching of garlic and smog.

Conclusion: China is a big country with a long history and especially
dense pollution. It is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live
there. The best thing that can be said for it is that is not Russia.”

“That was funny, Ped...

"Lichade Nikesun," I remember him!”

“1. Baozi, a steamed bun, especially the meat-filled, are good. We just never asked what kind of meat it was. Buy them in lots of six (one steamer full). The sweet bean-paste filling takes more getting used to. Jaozi, the smaller ravioli-like boiled dumplings we call pot-stickers when they are fried, come in orders of a dozen. One dozen is never enough.
2. It is true that baijou tastes like turpentine. It is also used as a general antiseptic/cleaning agent, a Chinese Lysol. It is also true that you can decline to drink it without being considered a #&%!$. They will be pleased if you substitute some American whiskey.
3. The best restaurants have no neon lights and can only be found with the help of locals or through experimentation and willingness to overlook certain outward signs of decay. But if tourists stick to McDonalds, it means savvy travelers and expatriates won't have the good places spoiled by loudmouth Anglos in plaid bermuda shorts.
3. Chinese opera is a fascinating dramatic experience, at least in Sichaun version. Classical Chinese music is far preferable to the screeching karaoke that has taken over many tea houses or saccharine Asian pop songs blasting out of boomboxes.
4. Considering we were in one of the most garlic intensive diet areas of China, we rarely encountered garlic breath or B.O., even on packed public transportation.
5. Most Chinese are NOT members of the Communist Party, which is actually a fairly elite organization. However, the Party has been trying to expand its membership so as not to become irrelevant.
6. Mao in his glass sarcophagus looks like his face was made with a Vaccu-Form play set. Creepy cool.
7. Chinese will stand in line, but it takes something important and carefully controlled, such as getting in to see Mao.
8. You can fatten a kitten on rice, as the corner store keeper did near our apartment.
9. It is true that the farther you are from Beijing, the less the influence of the central government; however, the central government often cleverly uses this to its advantage when it needs to "make an example" of someone who doesn't toe the line.
10. Yes, despite severe water and air pollution, it is still better than Russia in many respects, as the Siberians we met attested. And Russia has gotten worse since we were living in China.
11. Most Chinese toilets are a human rights violation in progress.”

“Okay, censorship program: "without being considered a WIMP." (I didn't really think p*$$y was much of a naughty word in this usage, and I don't know a Chinese word for it either.)”

“Glad ya enjoyed it Fritz.
Thanks for the follow-up installment Pekka.”

“First wife - not Chinese.
Second wife - 50% Chinese.
Third wife - 100% Chinese.
Fourth wife - ?

Will be single again Jan. 31, 2002.

My Chinese relatives are the greatest people I know!”