Entertainment tonite!

“They just announced that 2001's top-selling album was from some band called Lincoln Pork. No, they aren't enthusiasts of our former president. Apparently, they're angry kids with a message. Well, I have a message for them: Get off the stage and let a real star like Mariah Carey get her just desserts! She released an album. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Glimmer, and that's the record people should be buying, not one by some heavy-metal grunting gorillas!”

“Drugs? Users are losers, no two ways around it. I get my ecstasy the old-fashioned way: by watching a really good Steven Segal movie!”

“Say, who here has been checking out that Sex In The City show? I for one haven't been able to take my eyes off it! Those girls are catty with a capital C! Me-rowrr!”

“Hey, what happened to Emeril? I thought that show had it all. It was funny, true to life, and full of great cooking action. Wham! Bam! Bring it back and take a stand for quality programming!”

“Emeril went out in the woods rattling deer antlers...

BAM!”

“null”

“Just how much is the cast of 'Walker, Texas Ranger' getting paid? I wish there were some way I could get my hands on that information, because whatever it is, I'm certain it isn't enough! That is one quality, entertaining show!”

“Speaking of good movies, have you checked out Jim Carrey in 'The Majestic'? I haven't yet but, boy howdy, the commercials sure do make it look great! The ads don't give away the movie's ending, but they give you just enough information to make it clear that it will have you cheering in your seat! Hooray for Hollywood!”

“you are having so much fun trying to stir up trouble.. :).. but no one is biting.”

“So, it looks like we have those wacky Talibans on the run this time. Just goes to show you, don't mess with the good old U. S. of A. These colors don't run when you put them in the washing machine or a hostile foreign situation! God Bless America!”

“Oh man, the echo in here is hilarious!!

Funny stuff tho, militiaboy!”

“Whoops! For pity sakes, how could I have not mentioned the death of George Harrison, whom you may know better as the Quiet Wilbury?

With his passing, the Fab Five that once was Tom, Bob, George, Jeff, and Roy is now down to three. Many people overlooked George's contributions to the Travelling Wilburys, but by Vol. 3 he had established himself as one of their best songwriters. I'll never forget 1988, the peak of Wilburymania, when you couldn't walk down the street without hearing one of their tunes. I'm sure he and Roy are up there in heaven, jamming with all the other greats. Handle George with care, God!”

“Oh my Gawd! Now this is a funny thread!”

“Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but (GASP!) what would you think if I told you that her breasts may have been surgically enlarged? I don't want to delve too far into this, as I know a lot of families read Trailtalk, and these are rumors that I haven't been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops!”

“TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the Top 100 TV Episodes of all time. Now, I've given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights.

For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? That one was outstanding!

Or the KnightRider episode where David Hasselhoff and his ultra-cool robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama, suspense and action!

And, hold on, what about the episode of Three's Company where John Ritter did several comical pratfalls and dished out some clever double entendres? That show really made us laugh! Classic!

No mention of the tearful series finale of Temptation Island? I'm sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn't stack up on the militiaboy-o-meter as the best of anything! Sorry, guys. Better luck next time!”

“WHAT'S HOT!
Reality TV shows
Stars
Well-done Steak
Forehead of feverish man
Faucets on the left
Urinal cakes
Mercury (in a gaseous state)
Arizona”

“WHAT'S NOT!
Charlene Tilton
Interstellar vacuum
Steak tartar
Forehead of healthy man
Faucets on the right
Urinal pies
Mercury (solid state)
North Dakota”

“Militia, Unfortunately you are correct about Pamela Anderson. She did get her breasts enhanced, I think a couple of times. When she first appeared in Playboy she was truly beautiful. Now she's a hag as far as I'm concerned. Got her start at an Expo's game. Camera was scanning the stands and double took on her. She then went on to be a Labatt's Blue Girl.

She since has had a breast reduction. I think about 1-1/2 years ago.

But enough already, how about that Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk almost doesn't make it back to the ship? A classic for sure.”

“Is she gay, or isn't she? That was the big question on the minds of Ellen fans (count me in). And she still hasn't decided. Ellen, you're killing us!”

“Last night I busted out some old SK8 mags, and one from ?80-81? had album reviews and one of them was a Leif Garret album. The writeup was so funny, it started out with something like this...

You know, this is the kind of crap that makes me want to puke. Not only does Lief have a face that I'd just like to punch, but...”

“Rosie O'Donnell is the Queen of Nice, proving that you don't have to be filthy to make it on TV. You go, girl!”

“Rosie is a whore.”

“It's time I shared my opinion on these new club drugs that seem to be so popular these days. Now, before I say this, I want you all to know that I'm no square. I'm not above having a few glasses of wine now and then if the occasion calls for it. However, I've been hearing about these "ecstasy" pills that people are taking. Let me tell you, you may think you're getting high, but once you get low again, you find out that the price you paid is higher than the high was high. Remember what former First Lady Nancy Reagan always said: JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS!”

“If you've got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America's many fine financial institutions! Saving: it's not just for the Japanese!”

“In my not-so-humble opinion, Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.”

“Lincoln Park Rules!”

“Hey! What's the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That's just not something normal people do. I mean, I'm tired of the name militiaboy, but you don't see me changing my name to 'The jagoff formerly known as militiaboy, do you? Besides, my parents would throw a fit!”

“I think he's back to calling himself Prince. The reason for the change at the time was something to do with the record companies rights. He changed his name so they couldn't mess with him for future stuff.
Plus he's a wierd dude.”

“Oooooh! This thread is killer. I'm in pain from laughing so hard. I probably won't even have to take a Prozac today. Laughter is the best medicine, for sure!!!! (I'm only kidding about the Prozac.)”

“Walkindude, I think he was just trying to disguise his bizarreness by claiming it had to do w/ the record co. HeHeHe!”

“All of America is mourning the loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.

As long as we're on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten!”

“Mitchum deodrant is Robert Mitchum's invention?!”

“You know, life's been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster bastard husband Marv Albert.

But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Fattie Kathie, we know you're having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go to hell!”

“Sorry, no word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you know you'll hear it here first!!”

“Dear Militiaboy,

I recently heard that Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland was recently in drug rehab to overcome a heroin addiction. Is there any word on how he's doing now?

-Megan W., Tampax, Oregon

Gosh, to the best of my knowledge, there is no such band. As an entertainment insider, I have my finger on the vital pulse of the industry, but neither myself or any of my staffers have any indication that these Stone Temple Pilots exist. I'm not sure where you have heard of them, but I'm relatively sure that if they do exist, they are of little importance!”

“HELLO???!!! Is the nation sleeping, or have we all forgotten that we should be in the throes of Olympic mania right about now? Hoo boy! Give me a good curling match anytime!”

“I'm not sure what all the hubbub over genetically modified foods is about. What's so bad about having a carrot the size of your forearm? Just think of the enhanced abilities we could get from eating those wonder foodstuffs. Why, we'll be a race of super-humans! I don't know about you, but I'd sure like to have X-ray vision and the ability to dunk a basketball like those lanky negroes of the NBA!”

“Hubba, hubba! Dishy actress Halle Berry, who played The Weather Girl in the blockbuster Generation X-Men and is the star of that wacky Lemony Pepsi commercial, apparently was involved in a hit-and-run incident. This wouldn't be the first time. She's already pulled a hit and run on my heart! Boom! Boom! Boom!”

“I was finally going to get myself a SuperNintendo to help me unwind after a hard day of news gathering, only now it turns out that SuperNintendo is out of style!!

I COMPLETELY missed the boat on something called Nintendo 64. Go figure! What did the 64 stand for? The price? The number of games included?

Anyway, it appears there's a new Nintendo game out, and it's shaped like a CUBE. How can I possibly keep up with all these technological breakthroughs? I'll say one thing: If I were basing my purchase on looks alone, the cube would come out on top. That thing is so darn cute!”

“What's that? Do I hear wedding bells for Brad? Hunktor extraordinaire Brad Pitt was seen wining and dining good "Friend" Jennifer Aniston at a Manhattan bistro last Saturday, and it was anything but a Fight Club. In fact, the way they were making goo-goo eyes at each other, it was more like a Love Club! Rumor has it, the next day, Brad got down on one knee during a stroll in Central Park, but it's unclear whether he was proposing or just adjusting a pesky left shoelace. Stay tuned!”

“Material-mom Madonna just had her second baby! I wish I could report this as good old-fashioned good news, but there have been some complications. Madonna has been tight-lipped about it, but my sources say the baby is covered from head to toe with soft, velvety fur like a monkey! No word as to whether it has a tail. Aside from that, the baby is said to be doing fine and is the spitting image of mom. Fur, tail or otherwise, babies are cute! Way to go, Madonna!”

“Roommates Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres are selling the house they bought together. All good things have to come to an end, I suppose. Gosh, who would figure that big Hollywood actresses would need roommates? Can't afford the rent on those residuals from your last TV show, girls?

Well, I remember when I was in college, my best friend Gil and I got an apartment together. As you can probably guess, things changed between us, and we stopped being friends. Looking back, it was all silly arguments about doing the dishes and leaving junk all over. I figure the same thing happened to Anne and Ellen.

Hey, Gil, if you're reading this, give me a call some time. We've got a lot of catching up to do. As soon as you pay me for your half of the damage deposit, that is, you lousy dolt! LOL, LOL, LOL!”

“militiaboy is Jackie Harvey?”

“militiaboy is Jackie Harvey?”

“Just in time for the Easter, director Kelvin Williamson has released a potty-mouthed movie called Dogma that purportedly takes on the Catholic church. The movie stars couple Ben Kingsley and Matt Dillon as a pair of angels—but they're no angels! Instead, they carry guns and curse. I'm not a Catholic (I was raised a decent Asiatic Baptist), but I don't think it's appropriate to mock a religion like that. Shame on Williamson for his bad taste and questionable judgment!”

“Action fans, take note: Arnold Schwarzenegger is back! 'Nuff said!”

“Game-show mania has gripped the nation like a python grips a rabbit. But unlike the python, the game-show craze isn't going to consume us - it's going to entertain us! Are You A Millionaire? is far and away the most popular one and, having watched several episodes, I can see why. It's like the thrill of a game show coupled with the thrill of sitting next to Regis Philbus for an hour. There's another one on Fox that I haven't seen yet called Three's A Crowd, but I'm not very interested. It's hosted by that obscene Weeb Eubanks and is probably filled with nasty jokes that would make sailors blush! I'll probably watch it for the sake of research, but I won't like it!”

“DVDs... Should I get one or not? On the one hand, they're small and shiny, and they won't wear out. (I'm already on my third VHS copy of You've Got Male.) On the down side, you can't record on them, can't play your existing videotapes on them, can't use them for emergency doorstops unless you have a whole big stack of them and what if you get them mixed up with your CD collection! Confusion city, I'd say! Whatever advice you have is greatly appreciated!”

“Funnyman Jim Carrey is again filling the silver screen, and he's playing yet another real-life figure. Following up his smash turn as 11th President Harry Truman, the master comic is now portraying Taxi star Jeff Conaway. To be honest, I didn't know who Jeff Conaway was until my buddy told me he was the guy who played aspiring actor Bobby Wheeler, not to mention Danny Zuko in Grease. To whomever is responsible for bringing this handsome, heroic and enigmatic man's life story to the big screen, I've got one thing to say: Dank you veddy much!”

“Remember I told you about potty-mouthed rapperstar M&M? Well, apparently, the people at MTV weren't paying attention! They apparently aren't concerned about showing what's good for the kids. They awarded the rapping fool three Video Music Awards. Hey, MTV, you shouldn't be doing that! That's not "phat"! Remember, what's good for the kids is good for America! If this keeps up, then the terrorists will have won!”