Entertainment tonite!

“FoxTV recently had a name change contest for their smutty show Too Something. Well, I cast my vote for Too Smutty for Decent Americans! How do you like that, Ruperd Murdach? That sort of stuff may play in the Austrian homeland, but not in the good old USA!”

“Calling Edie Brickell!!! Gosh, isn't it about time you put out some new vinyl? It's been sooo long! Or are you searching for some really New Bohemicans? You go, woman!”

“G'day, steroid-pumped machine-men! The Olympics are coming, and all eyes will be on Salt Lake City, Colorado as the world's fastest and freakish flock to the Land That Time Forgot to compete for golden glory! Word is, Former President Ronald Reagan, recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, will be given the honor of lighting the Olympic flame during the opening ceremonies. If this rumor is true, don't expect to see a dry eye in the house. Remember how he inspired us in the 80's with the line "Read my lips. No new taxes!" It still sends a chill up MY spine!”

“This just in: the new Star Wars movie is called... you ready for this? Attack Of The Clowns! Now I know George Lucas has gone a little batty. Sure, clowns are scary, but who wants to see Han Solo battle Bozo? Not ME!”

“I'm sad to report that super-dish Drew Carrymore and gross-out king Freddy "The Finger" Green are getting the big D. That's right, D-I-V-O-R-C-E! Everyone thought theirs was a love written across the sky in permanent ink, but in the end, that ink proved to be that crappy erasable kind. It makes me wonder if there's any hope for love at all.”

“Meg Ryun has been sporting a new look in her movie Erin Brokaw (by the way, no relation to Tom). Of course, I am referring to Meg's hair. I don't know who her stylist is, but he/she has done wonders with it. Why, her new hair even makes her breasts look larger!”

“Along with that good news, I must also tell you that Meg Ryan (star of You've Got Email) and former SNL funnyman Randy Quaid are calling it splits. That is some sad, sad news. I just caught wind of the reason behind the breakup. My sources tell me that Ryan has been playing footsie with Austrian superstar Crocodile Dundee! Now, while I am 1,000 percent behind the institution of marriage, part of me is hoping that this new romance will add some zest to the forthcoming film epic Crocodile Dundee III: THIS Is A Knife! Here's to hope!”

“Hey, with all these comic-book movies being made, I want to cast my vote for a film version of Baby Huey. I mean, that was one funny comic. A huge, clumsy, innocently destructive baby duck… a diminutive father and a perennially angry but resigned ditzy mom who loves both and is blind to the conflict between them makes for a laugh-out-loud time at the old multi-plex! And I've got the perfect cast: Rosie O'Donald as mischevious Huey, David Schwimmer as Dad, and Molly Ringwald as Mom! If that's not a sure-fire old fashioned Hollywood blockbuster, then I don't know what is!!!”

“Did anyone get a really great Christmas present? I received a wonderful pair of Dearfoam slippers, and I just want to take this opportunity to say, "Thanks, Mom. Hope you enjoy your WeedWacker!"”

“Rosie O'Donald is a lesbian! During a recent stand-up routine, the chunky comedienne extraordinaire went public with her longtime relationship with director and fellow Kmart pitchwoman Penny Marshall. And to think that she was lying all those years when she professed her love for Tom Cruise!

Who would have ever expected such a bombshell revelation from a gruff, blockish, WNBA-loving adoptive mother like Rosie? Well, whether you support homosexuality or believe it's an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, you can count on me to bring you the latest scoop from inside Tinseltown! Back to you, Mike!”

“Who cares!

8|”

“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...”

“When people paint their houses, why do they use a drop cloth and not a catch cloth? And why do they park on the driveway and drive on the parkway? These and tons of other humorous observations can be found in a speech I'm working on right now. I don't know where I'm going to give it yet, but you can be sure that I'll keep you in the loop!”

“zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.8|”

“What the hell?”

“Pinch me, I've died and gone to diva heaven! All in a few weeks, we've gotten albums from Faith Hall, LeAnn Rhymes, Whitey Houston, Shanana "Mutt" Twaine, Mariah Carrey, and Jennifer "Left Eye" Lopez. Hoo, boy, I hope I'm not forgetting anyone. Those divas can sure get fiery if they're shorted. And with all those albums to buy, there goes my mad money for the next few weeks.

Speaking of music, I've been hearing a lot about this Napster thing, where you download CDs off the Internet without paying a penny. I may be a techno-fool but just how can a CD fit through the little wires on a computer? Hmmmm? Well, I think that's just wrong.”

“You don't need Napster and you don't need those CD's. Enjoy Classical Music: All Day, All Night, at WQXR.”

“Whoa! My sources tell me that Hollywood bad boy Harry Dean Stanton is being considered to portray himself in a new Molly Ringwald biopic. As you may know, Stanton was in Pretty In Pink with Ringwald, and the two had a torrid love affair which resulted in a bit of legal trouble for Harry, since Molly was only 16.

Anyway, I don't know which I'm more excited for: a new Harry Dean Stanton movie or a Molly Ringwald biopic. Looks like I don't have to choose!”

“go check winmx.com”

“Bringing this one back for fun.

LMAO... this stuff is GOOOOOOOOD!”

“Boring, even bacpac's threads are more interesting than this one.”

“did you read through the whole thread? Hard to belive how much life changed for a lot of them...”