Sir Richard Pump-a-loaf

“*Hey! Do you know what you are?*
*You're an #&%!$! An #&%!$!*

Some of you might not agree
'Cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see...
Broken hearts are for #&%!$s
Broken hearts are for #&%!$s
Are you an #&%!$?
Broken hearts are for #&%!$s
Are you an #&%!$ too?
Whatcha gonna do, 'cause you're an #&%!$...

Maybe you think you're a lonely guy
Maybe you think you're too tough to cry
So you went to *The Grape*,
Just to give it a try
And Dagmar
*Without a doubt, the ugliest sonofa#&%!$ I ever saw in my life*
Was his name...
*One Two Three Four!*
The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his
Pancake make-up
*And yet he was a beautiful lady*
Nearly drove you insane
*Let's talk about Leather: LEATHERRRRRR*
And so you kissed a little sailor
*Tex Abel, starring in the latest Shepperton Production:*
Who had just blew in from Spain
*Sir Richard Pump-A-Loaf*
You sniffed the reeking buns of Angel
*The story of a demented bread-boffer*
And acted like it was cocaine
*Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf*
You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of Ko-Ko
*Then on Tuesday night, Ceasar's back in town*
In a way you can't explain
*Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match
With Kona.*
And so you worked the wall with Michael
*Three-hundred-seventy-nine pounds of Samoan dynamite*
Which gave your back an awful strain
*Volcanic Hell*
But you came back on Sunday for the gong show
*Next Thursday, teen town's finest...*
But you forgot what I was sayin'
'Cause you're an #&%!$, You're an #&%!$
That's right
You're an #&%!$, you're an #&%!$
Yes, yes
You're an #&%!$, you're an #&%!$
That's right
You're an #&%!$, you're an #&%!$

*Now you been to The Grape 'n' you been to The Chest*
*'N' now I think you know what you are: you're an #&%!$*

You say you can't live with what you been through
Well, ladies you can be an #&%!$ too
You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you,
But don't fool yerself girl
It's lookin' at you
Don't fool yerself girl
It's winkin' at you
Don't fool yerself girl
It's blinkin' at you
That's why I say
I'm gonna ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
*Corn hole*
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
*Fist #&%!$*
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
*Wrist-watch; Crisco*
Ram it, ram it, ram it
Ram it up yer poop chute
*Pud!*

Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
Don't fool yerself, girl
It's goin' right up yer poop chute
(etc., repeats)

*Aw, I knew you'd be surprised...*”

“flyguy, that #&%!$ is the best #&%!$ I've ever had the #&%!$ of #&%!$. And furthermore, #&%!$ the #&%!$ because #&%!$ is just #&%!$ Don't you #&%!$ agreee?”

“I don't think surprised is the word I was thinking. Disturbed maybe?”

“...whatever”

“Let's do the whole album!

or maybe we should skip back to "Billy the Mountain"?”

“Ok..........:|”

“Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his staning wife Ethel
A tree, a tree.

Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a Mountain
Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
( Hey, hey, hey! )
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
Hack up a boulder.

Now, one day, and I believe it was on Tuesday, a man in checkered double-knit suit drove up in large El Dorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene ( "Where the freeways meet in Downey!" ) and he laid a huge bulging envelope right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his foot was supposed to be. Now BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it: All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally, now at last, his royalties! "Royalties, royalties, royalties! The royalty check is in, honey!" ... Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball caves, they widened in amazement... and his jaw, which was a cliff, well it ... it dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out ... rocks and boulders hacked up, hack! hack! ... crushing the Lincoln ...

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
( Dear Lord )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
( No #&%!$ )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

By two o'clock, when bars had already closed down, Billy had broken the big news to Ethel, AHHHH, and with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with exitement, announced: "Ethel, we're going on a vacation!"... Yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she of course was very excited ... she creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethel they were going to... yes, they where going to New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York! But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas...

"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year,
Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert, their voices echoing thru the canyons of your minds... "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee? Howard Johnson's, ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! ... Wanna eat some clams? ...

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base. And to this very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test Stand Number One and the rocket sled itself got LUNCHED, I said LUNCHED, by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife ...

"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and payoffs as part of San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent narcotic crackdown in Torrence ... Hawthorne ... Lomita ... Westchester ... Playa del Rey ... Santa Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland ... San Fernando ... Pacoima ... Sylmar ... Newhall ... Canoga Park ... Palmdale ... Glendale ... Irwindale ... Rolling Hills ... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills ... will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictement and pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland empire ..."

Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon ( La La La nice lady ) to raise funds for the injured, "injured", and homeless, "homeless" in Glendale, as Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right outside of town Billy caused a 'Oh mine/my(?) papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps, right near the Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete germs bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through ... Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto...!") just playing ( "Come here, Toto ...!") and having a nice time with his little accordion, ("Toto...!") and this weird wind came up, direct from Glendale, blowing those terrible germs in his direction ... and all this caused by huge mountain ("Aunty Em") somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, sucking up two-thirds of it ( suck, suck, suck) for an ultimetly dispersal over vast stretches of ... WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio when Billy received his notice to report for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel said, now Ethel, Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go ... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy" ... that's right, we now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister that Ethel is still an active communist and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practices covent WITCH-CRAFT ...

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to one mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself. And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was Studebacher Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked like Zubin Mehta (Zubin Mehta); still others say "Bull#&%!$, honey, it was just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies at Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw/Shaun(?), and piss on you, Jack, he's just a crazy Iatlian who drove a red car ..." You see, nobody ever really knew for sure because Studebacher was sooooo mysterious ....

He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks
And marvelouse beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three amazed of him ... amazed ...

Time passed. January, February, March, July, Wednesdey, August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday, Funny Cars, Walnuts, City of Industry, Big John Masamanian ... So when the phone ring in the secret briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch and flexy braclet grabbed it and answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So... ah... yeah, yeah hello already ... what? ... well, yeah? ... Ah-are you kidding? ... You're not kidding ... a mountain ... with a tree growing off of its shoulder? Aw, you're fulla #&%!$, man... ah listen, by the way, before you go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front, yeah? Yeah, you should move some of those for me ... We're having a lot of,...listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head... and how's your wife's hemorrhoids?...ah, that's too bad...Listen...so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing...well, let me write this down... sorta take a few notes here...yeah? ...to El Segundo, huh?...causing untold destruction..( my baby, my baby )...wanted for draft evasion?... an expense account? ... and per diem, too?..."”

“LOL Mark you never cease to amaze me. Love, Mary”

“Don't humor him MaryPhyl, he'll only get worse.”

“Is there a war on?”

“Yes Mary, Billy was a Mountain and Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder, LOL! That one always killed me.

Too late, V! *VBG* (of course it could always be worse...)

It's true, Biz. Apparently our president has declared war on a noun. How will we know when the war is over? I guess it won't ever be over.

On top of that, I think Tarpy is at war with himself.

wow”