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Big Brown Truck
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“What I hate is when the tracker says it is sitting in a building close to my house for delivery the next day. Can't somebody just meet me there with a key so I can rummage through all of the boxes and get my gear!”
“Coop, I'll give you one worse yet. I ordered something that I wanted to be able to use for a hiking trip Thanksgiving weekend. First, they told me it was in stock and then didn't ship it until a week after I ordered it. Then it reached a distribution point in Atlanta the day before Thanksgiving....and sat there all weekend long. I got it first thing Monday morning. Damn tracking system is designed to torture us I tell you!”
“I ordered my new Szea 123 from a company in Tenn but the damn stove is coming from Washington state! Won't be here until next Tuesday and I won't have it in time for my trip this weekend. Phuck that big brown truck and all it stands for!”
“Just make sure your wife gets pics, Nigal...”
“Yeah and remember to share the love and post the pics!”
“ummm, i just ordered some jeans from J.Crew...”
“Pictures of what? Me phuckin the big brown truck? I'll just scan and post the police blotter from the local paper when I get busted for molesting an unsuspecting moter vehical.”
“Dear Big Brown Truck,
I hate you. You have really let me down. In the past you have delivered packages consistently from WA to OH in three days. It took you 8 days to get my package from WA to Hodgekins, IL. It will probably take you another 2 days to get it to OH. I am very disappointed in you Mr. Big Brown Truck. Next time I think I will ask for a FedEx or USPS truck and hopefully they won't let me down.
“Hell, I orded my stove on xmas day and it's not getting here until tomorrow! And that's with $11 shipping on a one pound stove. Express was $20.
I'm not too fond of you either. You do realize that you decided to order this item just before the largest shipping holiday of the year?
Look, I know I'm not perfect, but I do the best I can. If you wanted more immediate gratification, you could either paid out the bucks and shipped FedEx, or flipped a coin and chosen the USPS (ha!).
I offer usually reliable delivery for a reasonable price, but during the Christmas season, you damn Internet shoppers clog my shipping chains like the colon of that guy who ate 50 bran muffins at one sitting and had to have them surgically removed.
So, I'm sorry you didn't get your toy on time. I'll try and do better in the future.
- The Big Brown Truck”
“Ya big brown turd...”
“The government's criminal justice agencies are in a tug-of-war with large parcel delivery services such as FedEx and United Parcel Service -- and even the U.S. Postal Service -- over personal privacy issues. The shippers won't give the government carte blanche to open and search parcels for illegal drugs, although such services have become a favorite means for dealers to transport drugs.
The conflict highlights a broader debate about privacy and law enforcement, say observers.
Telecommunications companies, Internet service providers, banks and other institutions amass huge electronic databases about their customers' activities.
"Carnivore," the Federal Bureau of Investigation's new software system for performing court-ordered wiretaps at Internet Service Providers, has prompted strong criticism from privacy advocates.
The big parcel carriers, particularly FedEx and UPS, operate elaborate digital information systems that compile data about all the packages they carry -- in all about 8 percent of the country's economic output at any one moment.
The carriers point out that they do have systems to detect drug shipments. And while they are reluctant to talk in detail about their procedures, UPS in fact trains its 68,000 drivers to look out for suspicious packages.
But UPS, for instance, issued new guidelines in 1998 that required police to get a search warrant or subpoena to search any suspicious item, to make appointments to search for drug packages and to stay out of the way of UPS employees. And the U.S. Postal Service still won't let outside law-enforcement officials inspect outbound international mail.
Source: Rick Brooks, "Issue of Police Access to Express Parcels Is No Open-and-Shut Case," Wall Street Journal, October 12, 2000.
At least some American companies respect the citizens.”
“The big brown truck rolled up to my house today, right on schedule. =)
Unfortunately what I ordered was too big. So, back it goes.”
“See? I don't suck after all!”
“LOL @ big brown dude.
when is my bird house coming?”
“Anything I order from the West Coast seems to sit in a depot in CA or WA for five days before mysteriously arriving on my desk on the sixth..... damn tracking!”
“My pack is in Atlanta! Come on Big Brown Truck, come through for me right on schedule tomorrow! I know you can do it!
I'm telling you, the tracking is designed to torture us.”
“What's really torture is not paying shipping and waiting for gear to be delivered to the local REI, two or three weeks from now, or maybe a few days...whenever they feel like it, lol.”
“I would just spend the extra $10 and have it shipped to my house. I hate waiting. 2nd day air for me from now on”
“damn apartment office...signing for my package..and closing before i get home from work”
“Whoo hoo! Tracking program says it's out for delivery! It'll be here soon!”
“Where is my package BBT? It has been out for delivery since 6am and it's already 11am! I only live a mile from the UPS hub! I thought you were out there but when I looked out the window it was the postman! You let him beat you!”
“Mine's due here today. I'm peaking out on the porch more often than a crack dealer!”
“It's about time you got here truck! Only took you 11 days!”
“OK my stove didn't get here today. The Big Brown Truck is on my shlt list now!”
“Ilike the new service that REI offers. You can ship any order to your local REI for no charge. I place an order not too long ago. They email back and said it would be about 3-5 weeks to get there. No problem, I knew that already. I got an email yesterday telling me to come and pick my shayt up, it's here at the store. So, it took them 2 weeks to ship it here. Not too shabby, iffin ya gots the time...”
“Woohoo, way to go Big Brown Truck. You got here on the scheduled day and not a day sooner. And at 7PM to boot. Torture I tell you. Torture. But...
MY NEW PACK IS HERE! MY NEW PACK IS HERE!”
“Um, I'm getting a new calculator via the BBT. That's not really worthy of posting here I don't think. :(”
“Woo Hoo Smiley G :o)”
“Oh come on Smiley, lie to us, tell how you ordered something from Campmor or STP or Victoria's Secret or something...
...anything but a calculator...”
“Bitpusher, don't blow my cover!”
Steve the UPS man...
“(sorry for the cut and paste)
One Monday morning, Steve the UPS man, is delivering the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His curiosity is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." Steve the UPS man comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
" We had about fifteen couples from around the Santee neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
Steve,the UPS man, thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
Steve laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times."”
“YAYA! My stove got here! I love you Big Brown Truck!”
“See, everybody loves me eventually...”
Love to see this:
“Jan 9, 2004 6:58 A.M. HUNTSVILLE, AL, US OUT FOR DELIVERY”
“Well I'm hoping my new sleeping bag arrives. But I don't have a tracking number :o(. Why do I keep ordering stuff from the other coast.
What ya getting Bit?”
“Campmor has some snowsports pants on sale, and I got them and a couple pairs of polypro liner gloves, and two news stuff sacks and some cordloks.”
“Everyone likes new toys :o)”
“Something's wrong with your link tilt. Here, I'll post them for you...
“Damn you truck. How you mock me.”
“A watched porch does not yield packages.”
“How about if the big brown truck pulled into your driveway. The doors to the back of the truck swung open revealing noneother than...
Long time, no see. How have yah been?”
“How about if the big brown truck pulled into the street in front of your house. The doors to the back of the truck swung open and the guy takes the package to the house ACROSS from you!
Mine came the NEXT day.”
“When actually I'm waiting for the big white truck, and it's coming to the office.”
“Bobo's just teasing us.”
“zac - I'm doing well, thanks fer asking! Hangin' with John Lee Hooker and a Saranac Lake Pale Ale right now!
boom boom boom boom!”
No Teasing Geo!
“I'm in the Mood,
I'm in the MoooOOoOOod for Love!
I'm in the Moo oo oo ooood,
In the mood for Love!!!!
“Sorry man, you're not built right for me.”
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