How did the skunk call home?

“On his smell-ular phone!


How many sheep were born last year?




None.....only lambs were born!



What kind of sheep can jump higher than a house?



Any kind. Houses can't jump!


My first grader seems to have a fascination with joke books from the school library. SNL, here we come!”

“What kind of movie are sheep lining up to see?





Baaaaaatman.”

“Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in a mud puddle.”

“I thought that was "Hoss"”

“How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?







One but it takes a long time and it has to really want to change.”

“arrrrgggghhhhh NO more LBJs Please !!!! (grin)”

“How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The fish.”

“My wife was so surprised to hear my 4 year-old tell this one:


Q: Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?

A: To see time fly!


What surprised her was that it was an actual joke. You should have heard the doozies her sister told at that age.”

“What were John Lennon's last words when he got shot?




Yoko, Oh noooooo.....”

“Here is one told frequently in kindergarten:

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don't cry, baby, I'll take you to the zoo!”

“What do you call it when you get a bee sting on top of a mosquito bite?”

“Want to hear a dirtier joke?


Two horses fell in the mud!”

“Want to hear an even dirtier joke?


Two horses fell in the mud, three came out!”

“Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?




A: Because it was dead.”

“Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?





A: It was glued to the first one.”

“Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?




A: It thought it was a game.”

“Where is the answer to the beesting-mosquito joke?”

“Maybe the real question was "How do you keep a Pollack in suspense?"

; )


.”

“Sting Along With Itch.”

“Good one, Violin. So the family expression is "Don't be an elephant", right?”

“Don't get me started on elephant jokes.”

“Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?





A: From stamping out forest fires.”

“Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?





A: From stamping out flaming ducks.”

“Don't get me started on family jokes.”

“Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?




A: Smokey the Elephant.”

“That one was so bad, somebody had to actually ASK for it...”

“Q. - What time do you have to go to the dentist?

A. - 2:30 (get it..."tooth hurty")”

“A family of tomatoes was walking down the street, mom, dad, and baby tomato. The baby tomato fell behind. The daddy tomato walked back to the baby, stepped on him, and said "Catch up".

(Ketchup?)”

“*Disclaimer*
The following joke is probably one of the sickest jokes I've ever heard. Enjoy.


How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Suck his dick.”

“Two potatoes are walking down the street. How do you tell which one is the hooker?





It's the one that says "IDaHo"”

“A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?".


How many florida Gators does it take to change a flat tire?



Only one. Unless it's a blowout then the whole team shows up!”

“If you like really stupid jokes, you'll like these. You have to read them all for the full effect.

Sorry if I offend anyone, but these jokes are a stitch. :)


What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?

A plum is purple and an elephant is grey.



What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

Here come the elephants.


What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?

Here come the plums.
(She was color blind.)


Why do ducks have flat feet?

From stomping out forest fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?

From stomping out burning ducks.


How do you fit four elephants in a Volkswagen?

Two in the front and two in the back.


Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees.


How can you tell when there is an elephant hiding in your refridgerator?

There's a set of foot prints in the butter.


What do you call that gooey grey stuff between an elephants toenails?

Slow running pygmies.

How do you tell when there's two elephants hiding in your refridgerator?

There's two sets of footprints in the butter.


How do you tell when there's three elephants hiding in your refridgerator?

You can't close the door.


How do you tell when there's four elephants hiding in your refridgerator?

There's a Volkswagon parked in the driveway.


How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to fill your backpack with the following items. An empty 1 quart milk bottle. A pair of tweezers. A pair of binoculars. Tolstoy's "War and Peace". A snickers bar, a bit of string and a pillow. Then you hike out into the woods and prop yourself against a tree using your pillow. Then open the snickers tie the bit of string to the snickers bar and the other end to your big toe and set it on the ground in front of you - don't eat it. Then begin to read "War and Peace". You will soon fall asleep. When you feel the string pulling on your big toe wake up quietly, pull the binoculars from your bag and look through them the wrong way at the elephant that is trying to eat the nuts out of the snickers bar. Then take your tweezers - while still looking through the binoculars the wrong way, pick up the elephant with the tweezers and deposit him into the milk bottle. Screw the lid on tightly and Viola! You've caught an elephant.

My humblest apologies to all for making you read this posting. Believe it or not these are actually jokes from a book I had in elementary school called "101 Elephant jokes". I wish I still had the book. Telling this series of jokes rapidly to a bunch of goofy cub scouts out in the middle of nowhere nets roars of laughter.”

“I hadn't read all the posts before I felt that I must insert my elephant jokes.

Sorry. :)”

“LMMFAO!!!!!!!”

“I'll bet you guys think you're so punny, don't you?”

“All right out of all the people that posted these jokes how many of you were at work?

8)

I wish I could have a day at work like that.

8)”

“I was at home. Unlike SOME people, I work at work.”

“You are very luckey that you get to work at home.

8)”

“Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?




Hide good, don't they?”

“They do?


8)”

“(it's the red toenail polish, see above:)”

“Oh ok!

8)”

“You'd never survive on an elementary school playground.”

“Why did the duck cross the road?










He was stapled to the chicken (I'm a teacher, remember?).”

“Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?





A: Chicken's day off.”

“I have "101 elephant jokes" book. I remember getting that as a birthday gift in 1976”

“I got the Monster joke book back in the third grade:

How do vampires travel?
By blood vessel.

What is a monster's normal vision?
20-20-20-20.

What do you call a vampire's son?
A bat boy.

and On, and On and On and On....”

“What do yoy call a blind bambi?









No idear (no-eye-deer)”

“What do you call a legless, blind bambi?






still, no idear”

“Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A: A receding hareline.


Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: An Idontthinkhesaurus.”