sad story

“Late Christmas week I was rushing around trying to get some last
Minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the season right then. It was dark, cold and wet in the
parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt
obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might
need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall
entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of
about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's
chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his
hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him
what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and
four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His
mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her
second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even
entered the mall when a boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred dollar bill and ran to
my car.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Signed,

Kenneth Lay
CEO, Enron Corporation”

“What the hell...i would have pushed him down too and taken the flannel shirt!

That was great...nice build up!!”

“Impressive!”

“Nigal's rule #235:

Never trust ANYONE who's name is interchangable with the word 'screw'.”

“A guy gets a call late at night from a hospital saying his wife was in a car accident. Frantically, he rushes to the Emergency Room to see what
happened. He runs into the doctor and asks, "Doc, what happened? Is my wife ok?"
The Doctor responds, "She was in a very bad accident and her neck is broken, thus she is paralyzed from the neck down. You will have to help her for the rest of her life, dress her, feed her, help her in EVERYTHING that you do, are you ready for this?"
The guy doesn't know what to think, "this is all so sudden, I don't know what to think...."
The Doctor smiles and says, "Dude, Im just #&%!$in with ya, she's dead."”

“Oh, it’s gonna be one THOSE threads!

Do NOT read if you are easily offended!







A priest takes ill one day while doing confessions and asked one of the nuns to sit in for him. She tells the priest she isn’t sure how many Hail Mary’s to give for what so he tells her there is a list inside the confessional to refer to and that she will do fine.

The first person sits down and says, Forgive me for I have sinned, I had lustful thoughts this week.”. The nun refers to the list, finding ‘lustful thoughts’ on the list and seeing the penance is 2 Hail Mary’s. The next person sits down and says, “Forgive me for I had some heavy petting this week.”. She goes down the list and finds ’heavy petting’ and sees it is 4 hail Mary’s.

“This is easy!”, she thinks. The next person sits down and says, “Forgive me for I had oral sex this week.”. She goes down her list and finds nothing! Oh no! She opens the confessional door and grabs the first person she sees, a young alter boy, and asks, “Quick, what does the priest give for oral sex?!”.

“Usually a Snickers bar and a pat on the head.””

“It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just
too embarrassed to say so."”

“A few weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His Mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized! that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and made a run to my car.

Signed,
Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO”

“You'd think the kid would learn by now. Perhaps by Easter!

LOL!!!”

“Moral of the story.....
You just might get "Layed" around the holidays.”

“Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant
again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."”

“Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam just about popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability! I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or tending the animals, I could just let it rip, it'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."”

“i like the first one! lol

but the second one is just wrong dude! LOLOLOL!!!!!”

“They were both good!

8)”

“How is a man like a snow storm?





You don't know how many inches you'll get.

You don't know how long it will last.

And you don't know when it will come.”

“This young lady always wanted a fancy car, a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps, saves, and finally, goes to the dealer and plunks down several years of her hard earned money, for a brand new, state of the art, computerized, kick-butt, dream mobile. She drives off, but can't get the radio to work. The dash looks like a NASA instrument panel, she fiddles with this, twists that, pushes this, and nothing. Furious she returns to the dealer.

She tells the salesman they forgot to install a damn radio. He assures her it is right there in front of her. "It's hooked into the onboard computer. All you need to do is tell it what you want to hear." He demonstrates, saying "Classical", and *click*, the car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues" and *click* the car fills with BB King. She drives off amazed.

"Country" she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.
"New Age" *click* Yanni comes on. She is so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying attention to the road. Suddenly another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"IDIOTS!" she screams. *click* “Welcome to the Rush Limbaugh Show.””

“Megga Dittos Kleety”