Dating sucks

“BB,
How did it go ???
1st base, 2nd base? a HOMER!
lol”

“He just wants to look down her dress while he pins on the corsage, LOL


(and it's HAI Karate, ya rookie)”

“I met the girl who was setting me up with her 4 friends at a trendy Cleveland bar at about 10:00. The honey that I was to be set up with was pretty and animated. I bought the ladies a shot as an ice breaker, then they dragged me out on the dancefloor. AFter about 1/2 hour of bustin' moves to Snoop, and shooing away about a dozen tools who were hitting on my ladies, the blind date girl grabbed me to be her escort to the bathroom. While doing her business, I began watching a college football game. When I turned around, I noticed that she was talking to two dudes, laughing, and accepting a drink.

At this point, the chick had no chance with me, so I figured I'd have some fun, and make the situation uncomfortable for the c*ckblockers. I approached blind date, then watched the looks on these des[erate disco dudes endured a very firm handshake from yours truely. I excused myself, went back to the dancefloor, and informed my friend that I was outta of there, with no possibilites of a second date in the future. The blind date came back about two minutes later. i politely remarked how it was nice to meet her, and took off.

Since I was wearin' stetson, and my old college roommate was a bartender at a swanky nightclub in the area, I decided to pay him a visit. I was happy to see my old friend, and we chatted about his new kid, etc. the next thing I know, some older lady (40's), who back in the day was smokin' hot approached me. I could tell she was rich, drunk, and horney. She asked me if I was the chef and apologized to me. You guys know me, I of course told her "yes, I was the chef, and I'm glad everything turned out alright." Here is how the conversation ensued:

Lady - "It turned out great, it's just that the meat wasn't fully cooked to my liking."

Me - "Was it fully cooked the second time around?"

Lady - "Yes, it was exactly what I was looking for!"

Me - "Did you get enough meat?"

Lady - "There was plenty of meat, but it was soooo good, i know I could eat more."

Me - Well, if you liked my meat so much, I'm sure there is plenty more where that came from."

Bartender - "Dude, her husband is giving you a dirty look."

At this point, the chick grabs my johnson.

Me - "Lady, you better get back to your husband, and you might want to remove that hand and put your ring back on."

She walked away and my buddy and I had a nice laugh about the situation. (I was joking the whole time, of course).

I next headed to a joint in my city of residence. I saw a girl I dated a few times there. She wanted to go out on Saturday. i explained that I was going to be playing poker and watching football, and that the last time we were supposed to go out, she stood me up, so there was not going to be a next time. She made some excuse as to how she must have gotten the plans mixed up, and now knew why I didn't return her calls.

I then strolled around, talking to some folks I knew, and overheard one of the ladies in the group mention to her girlfriend how "she can't find a guy." I looked over to see an attractive young lady, all decked out in expensive clothes.

Me - "Sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. What sort of guy are you ladies looking for?"

Chick - Looks me up and down - "It depends, why should I tell you?"

Me - "Well, maybe I'm the guy you are looking for."

NOTE - at this point, I wasn't trying to pick this girl up. I was just trying to finalize an eventful night full of the same women with different names and faces.

Chick - "I don't like meeting guys in bars."

Me - "OK, my bad. Nice meeting you."

Chick - "Wait..... how do you know 'so ans so' (mutual aquaintance)?"

Me - "I met her in a bar."

Got in at 2:00 am, had a great night entertaining myself at the expense of confused women.”

“I got two things in the mail on Sweetest's Day. The package I got from Gojo (a light bulb, don't ask) was bigger than what I got from the guy I'm dating. What's up with that??”

“Smiley, that's hilarious.”

“Sorry Dewd it did not work......
But I am LMAO at the story!”

“BB - don't believe a word of it. The date was a success, how could it not be unless she was really a twit. To jeopardize a shot with you, stupid chick.

Therefore, the entire story is fabricated to protect your privacy. My theory.”

“Oooh, dhutch has Buddha completely figured out! I love it!”

“I CAME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE WITH THAT HOME MADE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP, PREPARED TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE AND DO YOUR LAUNDRY BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Hmpf!”

“DHutch - It's all true babe.

Sunshine - the door is open! mmmmmmmmmmm chicken noodle soup!

SG - Hey, at least he sent you something! Sounds like a decent guy to me! :)


BTW, if I could rate the woman who molested me on a scale of 1 (shag nasty) - 10 (DHutch & Sunshine), she'd be a 3 1/2.”

“The fact that you know it's HAI Karate has me ROFLMAO!”

“The fact that you got anything at all for the made up "sweetest day" should make you very happy - either that or the new man has short arms and deep pockets.”

“Whoa, Buddha that's too bad, you should have gone with the Stetson and the shoes.

SG - It's really not the size that counts, it's what's in the package. ;]”

“It's called Spelling, LOL”

“Woo hoo, we need more of Buddha's dating "trip reports."

Oh yeah, and I agree with dhutch. :-)”

“BB - Sorry to hear about the misfire with the blind date. Good call on bowing out, and kudos for doing it politely.”

“You told the new girl that you are dating about this website, didn't you.”

“we'd all like to meet her Artex :o)”

“Or at least see a pic...”

“LOL! Actually, I'm not sure what's up with that chick. She's been flaking out lately. the past three times we've made plans to do stuff, she's bowed out. I know this sounds like a line of BS, but she really does have a lot going on right now. Regardless, I'm cutting her off. I'm going to initiate a talk with her later this week (she's going out of town) just so there's no more guessing on either side, I can get closure, and pursue other opportunities should they arise.”

“Smelly -
You're cotton-pickin' welcome, btw...”

“I have another blind date this week, and one next week. Somebody shoot me, please!”

“Lizs and Dh

I have heard this version.

"It's not the size of your Orr it is how well you row" haha”

“Wait!
That did not sound right, it was not told to me personally...HONEST!”

“Motion of the ocean is hooey. They want big waves in that ocean, trust me.”

“LOL,
hope thats his hockey stick in his hands....lol”

“orr
or
ore
oar
our
orb
?????????which is it???????????”

“oar”

“Keep your stick on the ice...”

“>peddel<
pttttttf!”

“BB -- Bang!

Scaretex - take it easy a "big talk" may scare her off. Just play it cool (not cold) keep in touch and just talk, don't make big plans unless it happens easily. In other words DONT WIG OUT remember, you were both just having fun for now....right?”

“Scaretex, just show up for work really late next Monday morning and mutter all day, "wow, what a weekend." She'll think she's missing out on something and will come crawling back!”

“dhutch1 - no worries, the talk will be nothing dramatic. Just a simple, "I sense things aren't moving along" kind of deal to help clear the air. I don't like open books, it's just the way I am.”

“waerowolf, LOL! I've actually tried similiar tactics in my youth. They never worked. :-)”

“Show up to work some Monday morning with a black eye, like in Fight Club. That'll get her pot boiling.”

“Or, I could just follow her around the office yelling "HIS NAME IS ROBERT PALSEN" at the top of my lungs. You see, chicks dig that.”

“DON'T, I repeat, DON'T start playing those childish games!!! Take it from a woman.

OK, I know many women do that too. But don't you hate it?? If you want a real girl, be real.

In other words, don't listen to the guys on this one.”

“LOL @ dhutch1! I HATE games also. Hence, the reason for the talk. :-)”

“Scaretex, you don't need our "help" do you. All is well.

Buddha Bear on the other hand.....lol”

“Dhutch is my official "dating" counselor. I pay in back rubs. :)”

“Ok BB, first of all. Ditch the Blind Dates. Get a set of B..lls and ask the ones out that you want to go out with. You must see appealing women at outdoor stores, community events, parks, Hooters etc. What's the worst that happens...They say no, thank you?

Oh, that was naked, warm oil, candle lit back rubs wasn't it??”

“Hey Buddha, I got an idea. Ask dhutch out.”

“Do I hear Barry White in the background?”

“Please do not mistake advise for advance. Buddha Bear and I have a friendship based on infrequent hiking encounters, sarcastic wit and of course, supreme intelligence. You wouldn't want to ruin that, would ya? %-)”

“LMAO @ Dhutch!

Gojo, check yer mail!

BB - yeah, he's a keeper. It was just a card, and certainly not a sensitive, touchy-feely card, but he most definitly gets an A for effort. He treats me very, very well. :)”

“"Please do not mistake advise for advance."

dhutch1
03:03:42 PM
10/20/03

The curtain opens, and a forlorn man steps to the stage.

BB - "I know it's been many moons since I last saw you Diane, yet my heart can't forget our time at Manistee River. Do you remember when I told you the hatch was open on your SUV? You may have thought it was a nice gesture on my part, but it meant more to me than you'll ever know. Then we met again last Christmas, and you gave me your heart. Then the very next day, I gave it away. I'll always remember that kiss, and, my darling, you'll always be in my heart, forever."

The spotlight fades, as does the cheesy George Micheal music in the background. The man steps back, into the shadows, head bowed, with a look of longing and pain on his face.



This short story was brough to you by.....Vermont Teddy Bear "Cuddle up with a bear today!"


Written by: Buddha Bear
Produced by: Buddha Bear
Directed by: Buddha Bear
Starring: Buddha Bear


Key Grip: Nigal
Best Boy: Birch
All stunts performed by: Crazy Mike Backpacks


This has been a Mark Goodson Television Production, copyright 2003.”

“I was sure hoping there was a "best boy." BRAVO!!!”

“"I was sure hoping there was a "best boy." BRAVO!!!"
lizs

I was hoping there was a best BOB.”

“LMAO @ BB!”