MEN / women

“Is it just me or do women allways favore a hightway, aposed to a quicker/shorter way of travel through back roads?

Last night I was driving, and my mother had us go in the opposite dirrection just to get on a highway then to go home from the highway. My way would have been more direct and less time consuming.”

“Wait till you have more experience with women before you start posting things like this!!! Then when you do post them, put on your flame suit!”

“listen to your mother!”

“OK tea, remember this Cardinal Rule: Never ask for directions!”

“I don't have to ask for directions . . .



. . .my wife tells ME where to go!”

“Good one stumprider.

Put yourself in the passenger's position. Why keep driving when you're lost? Stop and ask for directions!”

“When discussing things with your wife, remeber the magic words that are a key to a successful marriage:

"Yes, dear"”

“Ice Tea, I am a woman and I prefer driving on backroads to driving on the highway. Take Route 17 by Campmor, for instance. That is a stress test, not a highway!”

“AllWoman--
My wife openly says, give me a topo and a compus and I can find my way. Put me in a mall parking lot, I can't find my way out! (She's right.)

Gordon: "Yes, dear." ==I'm getting annoyed.”

“I thought

"Fine" =getting annoyed”

“silence = getting really annoyed”

“"I'm outta here" = I'm feeling much better now.”

“I can't even get my wife out on the trail anymore, let alone carry a backpack or sleep on the ground. She's a good backseat driver though. I just let it go in one ear and out the other and say, yes dear. I burnt her out on hiken a long time ago.”

“Tactful as ever T. A great lesson in life for you: Do NOT base ALL women on your mother! If you do you are doomed to 20 years of living in her basement whacking off to porn on the net.

Only a 16 year old male would claim to know more about driving than a middle aged woman. Sheesh! 8)”

“From a man to a woman:


Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us #&%!$ing about you leaving it down.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer

Don't cut your hair ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying anyway.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.”

“How to read a women:
Ask her how she's doing. Interpet the response

DEFCON 5:
she responds "Great" followed by how great her day has been. You're in the clear.

DEFCON 4:
She responds "not too good" and tells you why. Start to take Caution.

DEFCON 3:
two words: "I'm okay" You are on the verge of war. Prepare the troops.

DEFCON 2: One word: "Fine" Nuclear war is emanate. Head for the hills.

DEFCON 1: "Just fine" followed by the death stare. Say a quick prayer because your toast.”

“Here is a little experiment for you Tea.

Ask a woman for directions to a shopping mall.

Ask a man for directions to the same mall.

Women will say, go left then turn right at the red light then turn left at the Gas Station.

A man will say go East on Main, Turn South at the light and turn East at the Gas Station.

When I say a man, I mean a real man, not one of these sissy liberals.”

“Between PMS, Post MS and During MS a woman has about 15 good minutes per month.












I said that to my wife once and she replied "That's right, and it ain't tonight."”

“BlahBlahBlah what Nigal said BlahBlahBlah.”

“Why is MEN in all caps and women in little caps and why is MEN first Tea?
You have A LOT to learn”

“When my daughter was 4 years old she watched Cinderella and she asked her grandmother,

"Grandma, is Pop Pop your Prince?"

"Not today he's not!" said Grandma.”

“Treebait and I prefer the route with the most number of twisty and windy curves that can be taken at the highest speeds.”

“This thread should keep Ice Tea single.”

“HPM, that will end after the little one arrives. Which brings up a valid point that Tea likely never considered. His mother may have chosen the route she did because she had him in the car.”

“Tea, I'm not sure what it is about you . . . but you always find a way.”

“LMFAO nigal!!!!!!

That is so true!!!!!

8)”

“Great observations Gordon”

“Men can be very annoying back seat drivers too. My male cousin, who does not even OWN a car, tries to give me directions all the time. They are always wrong. I ignore him. It seems to work.”

“Leave it to Tea to be so genius as to post something so moronic. He is an FBI agent provocateur, you know.”

“Ice Tea: You have to learn to respect the female of the species. Then you might find one to marry. Then you can spend the next 20 years in your own basement whacking off to porn on the net.”

“LOL LeSubtil! That is classic. Poor Tea, the porn whacker of all time.”

“Porn wacker???

That is a new one??

8)”

“Pretty good, eh?! I think I'll start calling my 17 yr. old bro the same thing.”

“To get to where I hike the most I could take a shorter route, but with all the stops, turns and twists and slowdown associated with that route, I'd rather just get on the interstate and take a somewhat longer route that seems to be more of a straight shot and definitly takes less time compared to the "shorter" route.”

“Tea,
Maybe Mommy directed you to the "Big Zoom-Zoom Road" because there are really big signs with really big arrows to help direct you home.”

“My wife's grandmother, hands down.

We went on vacation with her once, to visit my wife's father in NC. We were all in a van, with my father-in-law driving, in a town which my wife's grandmother had never set foot in. He's about to take a turn to go to the marina where his boat was kept. She's hollering, "Isn't it the other way?" until we get there, then she says, "Well, I thought it was the other way."

Suffice to say that if she's in the car, my wife drives.”

“I don't find it funny!”

“LOL! You don't have any spelling errors in that post. Good job!”

“""ref: nigal's post 12:30 04/16
Ice Tea: You have to learn to respect the female of the species. Then you might find one to marry. Then you can spend the next 20 years in your own basement whacking off to porn on the net.
le Subtil
11:29:20 AM
04/17/02"

I gotta stick up for Tea on this. I am sure he is offended. I am here to vouch for the fact that he'd keep his computer on the first floor (or even higher).”

“Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

***************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I
THOUGHTYOULOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of its hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support”

“Wow, what a thread. Hhehehe. Pedxing, I'm not mad, I'm LMAO.”

“I did put men in caps and first on purpose”

“Pepperdog, that is way too funny. My mom will love it.”

“i know.

Do you actually want a date to the prom?”

“Pepper, I've read that before, but it is still funny.”

“He's got about the same knowledge about women as he does about grammar.”

“When anybody--not just your Mom does something ask yourself if it is really important or just different than the way you would have done it. If there is no harm in it then shut up.”

“Mary Phyl said shut up.”

“Right On Mary!”