Most Memorable Caca

“I'm sure someone has a good story?”

“Ninety percent of everything is crap.”

“bacpac, duh!

LMAO!! kidding, kidding...”

“When I was a kid, I used to get in cow-pattie throwing fights with my cousins on their farm. Nothing quite like getting whacked on the head with a saucer of cow-caca.”

“Gotta be in the highest elevation toilet in the US, just down from the Mt. Whitney summit (somebody has a photo of it on their webshots page I think). OK, technically, it was only peepee, but I did it sitting down because of the amazing view out of the 3-sided enclosure.”

“It wasn't my own... it was the one I saw all over the wall and stall at a rest stop in iowa in december on my way to colorado. i will never forget it but really wish i could.”

“last year, i was.......laying cable....and a horse fly decided to bite me on my ass cheeck. well, needless to say, it startled me a bit. definately sped up the process. i jumped straight up in the air, imagining a giant copperhead attached to my ass. it was funny after my heart rate finally went back down.”

“ROTFLMAO!!!!”

“I used to work in the GORMELITE MINES on Zeta Reticuli in the 80s. The Gormelite mines are a pretty prime place for practical jokes, pranks, etc. Somebody was always pulling some kind of #&%!$ and trying to get one up on each other out there. Since the hours are long and THE WORK IS HARD we would liven it up by trying to see who can come up with the best one during the 2-year hitch.

So anyhow, one of the guys decided to be a real wise ass and make a batch of Jell-O with fruit cocktail in it and put it in another guy's work boot and let it SET UP OVERNIGHT between shifts.

Well, much to this old boy's surprise, when he was FINISHING HIS MORNING COFFEE getting ready to slip his boots on to go to work for his shift, he found the Jell-O with his foot about half way in.

Well at that point he decided the joke had gone a little too damn far this time, and it was time to get even and put and end to this horse#&%!$. So he very quickly found out who THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE JELL-O in the boot trick was, got his boot cleaned out, and started planning how to get even. On the next break he found the other guy's INSULATED HARD HAT hung up just outside the break room with all the other guys' hats, and decided to take off with it to the bathroom and handle his business.

He went into the #&%!$ter with the guy's hard-hat, he had pulled the insulated liner out of the hat and launched about an 8-inch turd into the hat and then put the liner back in NICE AND NEAT and then smashed things down nice and flat so it would conceal it and still fit his head.

He came back a few minutes later and when he (Jell-O boy) wasn't looking, he slipped the guys hard hat back on the rack with the rest and went and grabbed some coffee. A while later they all went back to work out in the mines.

Like usual everyone got word of what had happened and it SPREAD PRETTY QUICKLY around the mines and eventually everyone knew this guy was running around "unwittingly" wearing this hard-hat with the 8-inch turd smashed in it, just above his eyebrows. Well so pretty soon he's noticing a lot of the guys grinning and giving him some pretty funny looks, but he's just thinking THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING WITH HIM about the Jell-O prank he pulled earlier, not knowing they are really laughing at him.

So after a short while he starts smelling something pretty foul once in awhile after they get back to working and sweating. So he starts thinking somebody's cracking off some pretty wicked farts inside the mines and starts asking everyone that comes a few feet near him if it's them letting the nasty ass farts. But everyone just keeps denying it and working. By now everyone is in stitches AND TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE because this guy's WEARING THIS HUGE TURD right on top of his head and doesn't even have a clue, thinking SOMEONE'S CUTTING THE CHEESE. This went on 'till the next shift and a few of the guys finally broke it down to him at chow time what the other guy had done.

The guy just turned beet red and rushed outside to check his hard-hat. It was hysterical, the whole place was laughing.

As you might imagine, after that the old boy took some PRETTY GOOD RIBBING FOR THE REST OF THE HITCH and he didn't play anymore jokes in the mines for quite awhile. We never saw him wear that same hard-hat again either, and he also seemed to have got in a good habit of keeping a close eye on his new one.”

“While...seeing a man about a horse...at the very beginning of the bargaining process I noticed a hole about the size of the quarter about a foot away from ground zero. All of a sudden yellow-jackets start pouring out in an angry fashion. I immediately pulled em' up and started scampering like a raped ape; they got me twice, one on each ankle. Needless to say, I was happy that was all they got!

I had a long hike that day, but the worst part was realizing later what kind of damage they could have done. My movements now: In a word, "hypervigilance."

Artex, that is so funny! My friends and I used to get into cow-patty fights as well. My weapon of choice, a 2x4 with a flat piece of wood on the end for launching those suckers authority! The fresh ones are harder to load, but your opponents will clear a path once you got it locked and loaded.”

“I am gone a week, come back and there are two or three threads on the subject of #&%!$. WTF?”

“Hey Marvin, you better keep a good eye on your tin foil hat.”

“Say, let's study new
ecological crisis:
"Endangered feces"”

“Remember being in the Rockies and getting the "runs" after eating a freeze dried spaghetti supper. Difficult to find enough "holes" on top of a mountain! When it finally subsided my tent partner and I had gas fights for much of the night! I've not eaten freeze dried spaghetti since.”

“I "gave birth" after 3 days of winter camping in Yellowstone once. All that snow must have subconciencously caused me to shut down for 3 days.”

“I saw two flies give eachother a high five when it hit the ground!

But I was baked.”

“Now that I think of it, time to walk the dog.”

“lol marvin....that story explains SEVERAL things. hey, I always wanted to get mrs strat one of them gamalite rings!........come on man, you were the hard hat guy, weren't ya!??!?!?”

“All right. There went my backpacking aspirations. The last two times that I got bit by a horsefly, my arm swelled up and hurt like h&ll for two days. Stratdewd says he was just "startled". Are there different horseflies, some more venomous than others? Now there is something I would like to see become extinct.”

“It was shaped like Alfred E. Newman. Swear to god!”

“lol

You know what he looks like?”

“W?”

“Sure, doesn't everyone?”

“That one must've hurt.”

“What, Me Worry?”

“I read a story about a guy that was out hunting. He had a pair of camo insulated coveralls on. He went to go do his deed, he zipped the top of the coveralls down and squatted....did his biz....and stood up and zipped back up..turned around to inspect his handywork..and couldn't find it.....i bet his next thought was

OH #&%!$!!!”

“I like asparagus, and we're having a bumper crop. A couple of nights ago, I gorged myself on at least 5 lbs of asparagus and a double spinach salad.
I'll leave the rest up to your imagination...”

“Now that is a good one Opie!!!

Years ago, I took a crap will swimming in Lake Cumberland. Well actually a couple of times. Most healthy ones would sink beyond sight but a few turned out to be floaters. Heads up,,,,, literally,, watch out for those kind. This one little turd just wouldn't leave me alone. With each stroke of my arms, the water current would bring him circling back around. There is something refreshing about crapping in the water. What is it!

I hate crappy paper and leg cramps most of all when squating!

Most memoriable crap would have to be in this one bathroom in Pisa. In the back of some restaurant was this porcelain slab laying on the floor. There was a hole at one end that everything would run into. The object was to hang your a$$ over this hole while you grasped these railings for balance. VEDI. VECI. VENI !!!!”

“Mmmmm.

Breakfast:

2 prune danishes and two cups of coffee

Lunch:

Cobb salad with extra egg, black tea, and a mango.

Snack:

Raisins and granola

Dinner:

Stuffed cabbage, side salad, and a piece of cherry pie for dessert with a double espresso.”

“Is nothing sacred anymore?”

“Maybe some of the ladies would like to share their "Most Memorable Tampon Story" to really liven up this thread a bit..












No sir, No how, NO WAY!!!”

“Briar -- "I saw. I conquered. I came."?




Tex --

Thanks, but NO, LOL

Ya wanna hear some second-hand OB-GYN stories?”

“Oops, where was my mind on that one! Alittle Freudian slip there,,, That should have read VENI VEDI VECI.

I threw a tampon in the commode when I was a mischeivous little kid. And it was like magic, within seconds almost all the water was gone and what was left was this big white swollen thing!!! I thought I was in trouble until I pulled the handle.”

“EWWW ! ! !Phaedrus has the black screamers!”

“Too bad only people living in SE Michigan will get what I'm about to say:

I once walked into a bathroom at a gas station in River Rouge.....”

“OB-GYN stories..yeah..cool! Iffin I can tell you all my ambulance/EMT stories...

Who needs a campfire?? LOL”

“OK, before you read this post, I must stress that this didn't happen to me. I've never been an EMT, or any other member of the professional medical field. But, I do read a certain newsgroup called alt.tasteless...and this is where I found this story...

It's not for the faint of heart...

Tale of the red-eyed devil #&%!$s:


I've been an EMT (ambulance driver for the dumb#&%!$s) in a rural
county in East Texas for about 6 years now and, things being as they
are, I have the singular priveledge of seeing people at their very
worst. But these aren't NORMAL people.. oh no, these are a really
disturbing variety of your already #&%!$ed-up, cross-burning,
inbreeding, corn-fed, mule-pulling sheep#&%!$ers. I will elaborate:
When I was still in training for my Intermediate cert., I was
pulling a clinical student shift in a local ER when we received a
rather rowdy OD patient. Imagine if you will: a man, 5 feet tall, five
feet wide , weighing about 320 lbs, being without a stitch of clothing
and screaming profanity. He looked like an emormous, completely pissed-
off plastic bag full of curdled milk. Apparently, this individual had
not seen fit to stop when he disproved Darwinian theory... no, he had
to go and swallow his entire month's supply of Lithium.
Now, while overdoses of some drugs might only induce a dreamy,
jack-off-in-the-peanut-butter-and-#&%!$-your-undies-type state, Lithium
will definitely kill you... without the fun of jacking off in the
peanut butter (but fear not, you WILL #&%!$ your undies). I digress...
Within minutes of his arrival to our abode of charity, the poor
#&%!$er was tied at the wrists and ankles, had a long rubber tube
(catheter) inserted into his little micro-choad, poked with impossibly
wide IV needles and was enduring the famed and all-powerful gastric
lavage. In Webster's, under "Gastric Lavage" it says: "#&%!$ing
uncomfortable water hose rammed down throat, attached to manual pump
then worked by nurse pissed at you for not having used a #&%!$ing gun
for suicide.".
15 minutes after arrival, our murky little drop in the gene pool
was already on his way to recovery. We had suctioned most the pills
from his stomach and, after we removed said uncomfortable water hose,
relaxing rather nicely. One of the ER nurses and myself had voluteered
to stay behind and "observe" the patient (translation: waste time and
avoid possible REAL work). Everything was going smoothly when the
patient asked if he could be unrestrained to "go to the potty". Being
to lazy to divert more than a fraction of my mental faculties from
trying to score on the nurse, I replied: "Don't worry, the catheter
just makes you feel like you have to urinate, you don't really have
to". Then, he informed me that he had to #&%!$.. badly. Still, no real
problem here, just grab a bedpan, instruct patient to lift hips, place
bedpan under hairy ass and go back to hitting on said nurse.

Then it began

I heard him grunt softly, then strain. A few farts and the pitter-
patter of a minor liqui-#&%!$ episode..... then a blood-curdling scream.
In instant fear that he would die and that real work would begin, I
snapped my head back to see that he had gone into some sort of horrible
(but amusing) paroxysm. What remained of his teeth were clenched
tightly together, his eyes had almost popped from their orbits, his
face was beet red and globs of snot were actually leaping from his nose.
This wasn't your average #&%!$, nor was it even the granola-induced
great hairy man-#&%!$. No, it was the red-eyed devil #&%!$s.
He strained his entire 320 lbs for an entire five minutes, bucking
and gurgling, trying in apparent vain to birth what I was sure to be
the grogan to end all grogans, and the strange thing was, there was no
smell. Just the sounds of WW3 being fought inside an emormous colon.
Then, there was a sound not heard before or since: it was like a cross
between loudly ripping canvas and a wet cat being thrown onto concrete
at incredible speed. Then without pause, there was the bathtub-faucet
sound of the mother of all liqui#&%!$s..... and all was still.
The the smell hit. Actually, it wasn't really a smell so much as a
force of nature. It was a combination of rotting flesh, burning #&%!$
hairs and sulphur. The gas cloud was a living entity, churning and
roiling and forcing all who encountered it to double over gagging with
revulsion. Not even I, master of the oysters-on-the-half-shell-and-
cheap-malt-liquor-fart could rival his expulsion... he was master of
all things flatulent. I didn't double over, I genuflected.
But even with nasal hairs singed and eyes watering, my little dove
of mercy, the nurse, did her duty and approached Mt. St. Overdose. "Are
you finished?" she asked, gagging and trying in futility to prevent the
demon-cloud from raping her nasally. Panting, the patient responded in
the affirmative. It was at this point that I noticed his eyes, there
were several little red spots called peticiae covering his sclera (the
whites of his eyes). Peticiae are caused when capillaries in the eyes
ruture under extreme pressure and are usually found in strangulation
victims.
Being the dutiful soul that she was, the nurse extricated the
befouled bedpan from what can only be described as the basement of hell
and, with morbid curiosity, we gazed upon the contents. Floating in a
lake of (I swear to God) boiling liqui#&%!$ was the devil-#&%!$ itself.
It was perfectly spherical, perfectly black and 5 inches wide. It was
the red-eyed devil-#&%!$. "My God, it's a #&%!$ing cannonball!" was all I
could say, awed as I was. I was in the presence of something truly
unholy and I knew it. The nurse, still being #&%!$ed in the sinuses by
the stench, asked if I would take the now melting bedpan to the toilet
and give it a proper burial. All thoughts of romance now gone and
clinging only to self-preservation, I replied: "You see this nametag?
It says student, stu-dent.. that means noo paay!". The nurse slinked
out upon her duty. Not that I lack intestinal fortitude (pardon pun)
it's just that I was afraid that if I actually did try to flush the
devil-#&%!$, that it would spring from the bowl and strangle me to death.
But all was still not well in the great colon. Further labor pains
produced four and a half more bedpans full of liqui#&%!$ afterbirth. I
don't remember the exact capacity of a bedpan, but five and a half of
them is just too much #&%!$ from one human being. In the end, the
patient survived just fine (some minor anal reconstruction work and a
year's worth of holy water enemas later). The entire ER was cleared and
even a visiting proctologist passed out but all ened rather well.

I never did see that nurse after she dumped the devil-#&%!$ however.. my
fears may not have been unfounded after all....”

“I'm crying with laughter. Crimey, that was TOOOOOOOOO friggin funny.”

“i spit pepsi all over my monitor like seven different times while reading this! My ass is sore, that was so funny!”

“"Gotta be in the highest elevation toilet in the US, just down from the Mt. Whitney summit (somebody has a photo of it on their webshots page I think). OK, technically, it was only peepee, but I did it sitting down because of the amazing view out of the 3-sided enclosure."
martyb
01:35:21 PM
06/05/02


I've used it, and it has a great view ”

“Scroll down to see highest toilet from last summer's Llama/Whitney trip.”

“wonder where the lowest potty is.......”