The Asylum

“Shhh, you'll wake the parrot on his shoulder. H. Ross Parrot.”

“*squawk* polly want a tax legislative reform bill *squawk*”

“Talk about your iron pyrite....”

“We're just not crazy enough to keep up with Phaedrus. Story of my life; I can't even be the craziest pirate in the fleet.”

“Nor the fleetest pirate in the craze.”

“Or the craziest fleet in the pirate?”

“Mom always told me to just be the best I could at whatever I do and that's all I can do.”

“Did someone say 'fleet?!?'”

“NO ONE EVER SAID FLEET.

EVER!!!”

“That was violin's thread about his floot!”

“False feet. He's probably dead now.

Who wants cookies and juice?!”

“Pssst, Bugsy, I'm bustin outa dis here joint. Don't tell no hacks, see, or yer dead! See youse all next week.”

“Imitation cheese products have sustained me for years.”

“Fruitcakes in the kitchen
Fruitcakes on the bus...

How does it go?”

“So what kind of help am I going to get?

8)”

“"We are the pirates who don't do anything,
We just stay at home and sit around.
And if you ask us to do anything,
We will tell you 'We don't do anything!'"
--Larry the Cucumber”

“Ask and ye shal receive (good grief -- ain't the Internet grand?)


Fruitcakes
By: Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee
1994
--Spoken:
"You know I was talking to my friend Desdemona the other day she
runs this space station and bake shop down near Boomtown. She told
me that human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers
took us out of the oven a little too early. And that's the
reason we're as crazy as we are and I believe it."

"Take for example when you go to the movies these days, you know.
They try to sell you this jumbo drink, 8 extra ounces of watered
down cherry coke for an extra 25 cents. I don't want it.
I don't want that much organziation in my life.
I don't want other people thinking for me.
I want my Junior Mints. Where did the Junior Mints go in the
movies. I don't want a 12 lb. Nestle's crunch for 25 dollars. I
want Junior Mints."

"We need more fruitcakes in this world and less bakers!
We need people that care! I'm mad as hell! And I don't want to
take it anymore!"

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

Paradise, lost and found
Paradise, take a look around
I was out in California where I hear they have it all
They got riots, fires, mud slides
They've got sushi in the mall
Water bars, brontasaurs, chinese modern lust
Shake and bake life with the quake
The secret's in the crust

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"Speakin' of fruitcakes, how 'bout the government?
Your tax dollars at work."

We lost our Martian rocket ship
The high paid spokesman said
Looks like that silly rocket ship
Has lost its cone shaped head
We spent 90 jillion dollars trying to get a look at Mars
I hear universal laughter ringing out among the stars

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the galaxy (Fruitcakes in the galaxy)
Fuitcakes on the earth (Fruitcakes on the earth)
Struttin' naked towards eternity
We've been that way since birth
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"Religion! Religion! Oh, there's a thin line between Saturday
night and Sunday morning. Here we go now.
Alright, alter boys."

Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa

Where's the church, who took the steeple
Religion is in the hands of some crazy-ass people
Television preachers with bad hair and dimples
The god's honest truth is it's not that simple
It's the Buddhist in you, it's the Pagan in me
It's the Muslim in him, she's Catholic ain't she?
It's the born again look its the WASP and the Jew
Tell me what's goin on, I ain't gotta clue

--Spoken:
"Now here comes the big ones. Relationships! We all got 'em, we
all want 'em. What do we do with 'em?
Here we go, I'll tell ya."

She said you gotta do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
I treat my body like a temple
You treat yours like a tent
But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
That's the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin' bug

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"The future. Captain's log, stardate two thousand and something."

We're seven years from the millenium
That's a science fiction fact
Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL
Now don't look that abstract
So I'll put on my Bob Marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get Jah lost in the reggae mon
As I walk along the beach
Stay in touch with my insanity really is the only way
Its a jungle out there kiddies
Have a very fruitful day
Hey.

Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen (Fruitcakes in the kitchen)
Fruitcakes on the street (Fruitcakes on the street)
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven (Cookies in the oven)
Half-baked people on the bus (People on the bus)
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us

--Spoken:
"That's right, you too. Yeah those crumbs are spread all around
this universe. I've seen fruitcakes. I saw this guy in Santa
Monica rollerskate naked through the crosswalk. Down in New
Orleans in the French market there are fruitcakes like you cannot
believe. New York, forget it. Fruitcake city. Down island, we've got
fruitcakes. Spread them crumbs around. That's right, we want
'em around. Keep bakin' baby. Keep bakin'."



Hey, what are those little green things?”

“Oh the nurses drink, the doctors drink, the patients do the same.
while we are psychoanalysed we sip our pink champange.
before I'd leave my padded cell they'd have to break my arm.
I'd be a lunatic to ever leave the funny farm.”

“Gracias--that's the one and I could hear Mr. Buffett as I read it ;)”

“The pads are too squishy.”

“You're quite welcome, there, Quickpace.


If anyone isn't completely wacked-out just yet, this will surely send them over the edge, LOL”

“i talked to that stupid thing for 2 hours... are you sure? why do u feel this way? are you saying no just to be negative? are you telling me to shut up? would u like to #&%!$? what would it mean to u if you got sex? why do u need cheese?

this thing puts up almost as good of a conversation as some of my friends, or a legislature ;)”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“I know I'm in the right place when I find other buffet lovers! Keep on singin'”

“LMAO! i think i've come to the point where i can spot a Tilt Post from about line one.


i tend to stay away from the see food buffet myself...”

“a little cheeseburger in paradise is good for everyone”

“Uh-Oh, the newbie found the asylum thread. She's one of us!”

“How could she miss it after we installed the giant trap door!”

“Gets 'em every time!”

“Whack E. Nutt, at your service. Just got that from the tough guy naming service.”