joke

“i went to see Gallager(sp) on sat and he told this cute joke

where would you find a turtle with no legs?









right where you left him..



hehehehehe
i need a vacation!!”

“You're just all wet from the Sledgematic!”

“i got to go on stage.
unil he yelled at me because i cant hullahoop the right way.
ill post the pics when i get back”

“Going on stage with Gallagher would amount to an exercise in futility. Unless you got to swing the Sledgematic. That would be cool.
Males going onstage with Judy Tenuta would also fit the same category. What were you thinking???”

“How do you call a dog with no legs?














You don't call him; you have to go get him.”

“You can call him all you want, but that will be self-defeating behavior.”

“Call him 'Cigarette'. After dinner you can take him out for a drag...”

“goto www.joecartoon.com funniest cartoons in the world. There is one about a dog with no legs”

“Mr. Sung Wong and doctors in Northern California are puzzled after Lin Wong gave birth last Thursday. The baby was white!

Why are they perplexed?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.”

“LOL! Good one!”

“And you people complain about MY puns.”

“Pass the cornflakes.”

“What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look
at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at
the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers .. and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you! How upset you must be. But don't
fret about it She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder What was I thinking?
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! To bad nobody likes
your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you .. Have such an
ugly baby?

8.. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ..
that you're not here to ruin it for me.

9. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go .. would
you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably
need it again.

10. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

11. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... Almost
Lifelike!

12. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept
your promise.

13. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for
my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and
chew toys.

14. We have been friends for a very long time ... what say
we stop?
15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're
here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever
find out who the father was?

17. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you
terribly and think of you often.”

“Subject: Sad But True
> >
> > I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but
> > sometimes we need to pause
> > and remember what life is all about.
> > There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who
> > wrote the song "Hokey
> > Pokey," died last week at age 83.
> > It was extremely difficult for the family to keep
> > him in the casket.
> > They'd put his left leg in, and . . .
> > well, you know the rest.”

“"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"

- Anon.



(perhaps this should be posted to 'Inspirational Quotes' instead?)”

“A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."”

“One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"”

“A horse and a cat were walking across a field when the horse fell down an old well. He shouted up to the cat “Quick, go get the farmer and tell him to bring a rope and his BMW”.

The farmer showed up and, sure enough, he was able to pull the horse up with his BMW.


The next day the horse and cat were walking through the field when suddenly the cat fell in the well.

The cat yelled to the horse to go get the farmer and his BMW.

Instead the horse said, “I have a better idea. I’ll stand over the well and you climb up my schlong.”

Since cats hate water and this was the faster option the cat decided to give it a try and was soon up on solid ground, safe and sound.




Moral of the story: When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to get pu$$y.”

“Yawn...”

“A man was driving home in his Porsche, going quite fast at 70 mph, and passes a moped. The man in the Porsche watched with delight in his rear view mirror as the moped rider struggled to regain control from the wind blast of the Porsche.

After letting out a short chuckle he looked in his rear view mirrow and saw a little dot. It grew bigger and bigger and bigger and the next thing he knew, the moped went whizzing past him.

The guy in the Porsche was shocked, and sped up and caught up to the guy on the moped and passed him again, this time going 100 mph. The moped rider once again struggled with his balance after the Porsche whizzed past him, but recovered.

The man in the Porsche chuckled again. "I got you now", he said to himself. But he looked in the rearview mirror and saw a tiny little dot. It grew bigger and bigger and the moped swooshed past him again.

"Dammit, no!" The man in the Porsche exclaimed. He downshifted and brought his car up to 140 mph and passed the guy on the moped again, who came very close to losing complete control this time but somehow recovered.

"That ougtta do it," said the man in the Porsche. He came to a red light and stopped.

Looking in his rearview mirror, he sees the guy on the moped slowly approaching, huffing and puffing with exhaustion. The moped stops alongside of the Porsche.

The Porsche driver rolls down the window and asks the guy on the moped, "What the heck you got in that thing? You passed me when I was going 100 mph!"

"Nothing, man," said the guy on the moped, struggling to catch his breath. "That first time you passed me, my suspenders got caught on your car."”

“What's pink and drags the ocean floor?












Moby's Dick”

“"Key Warehouse computer assistance; may I help you?

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have

a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other

cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office lights are off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office lights then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."”

“A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "come on, Dick, we're leaving."”

“what does A.D.D stand for?















add silly

ok jokecame from my 10 yr old son..”

“Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off
his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs."Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta."”

“You know how you shoot a unique elk?







Unique up on him.





You know how you shoot a tame elk?







Tame way.”

“Once upon a time there was a little kid who wanted a turtle for a pet. Every day when he woke up, he asked his dad to get him a turtle for a pet. His dad said no, he didn't want him to have a turtle for a pet. Wouldn't he like a dog better? No, says the kid, I want a turtle.

So finally, one day, on his way to work, the dad stops in at the pet store and buys a turtle for his kid, and takes it to the bar where he works as a bartender, and puts it on a shelf under the bar.

Five minutes before closing time, this drunk comes into the bar, sits on a stool, and asks for a beer. The bartender refuses, because he's closing up and wants to get home. Oh come on, please, says the drunk. I'll drink it really fast. So the bartender relents, and serves up the drunk's beer.

Well, the drunk stretches out that beer as long as he can, just nurses that thing. He looks around the bar in a drunken fog, and sees the dartboard on the wall across the bar.

"Hey!" he says, "You got a dartboard in here! You got darts, and stuff?"

"Yeah, we got darts and stuff," says the bartender.

"I wanna play! I wanna play!" says the drunk.

"Hell no," says the bartender. "As drunk as you are, if I give you the darts, you'll probably trip on your way over there, fall on the darts, hurt yourself, sue the bar, and I'll lose my job. No way."

"Oh please!" pleads the drunk.

"No way! Now finish up that beer and beat it!" says the bartender.

"Oh please, " says the drunk, "I'll throw them from right here, sitting on the stool."

"From here?" exclaims the bartender. "You won't even hit floor from here!"

"I betcha I will," says the drunk. "I bet I get a bullseye!"

"Okay big guy, here you go," says the bartender, handing the drunk a dart. "Now remember, don't get off the stool."

The drunk takes the dart, stares at the dartboard all the way across the bar with his sodden gaze, leans all the way on the stool, and throws the dart as hard as he can across the bar. To the bartender's amazement, the drunk scores a bullsye!

"I did it! I did it!" exclaims the drunk. "What do I win? What do I win?"

The bartender, still in shock from the drunk's amazing feat of dart-throwing skill, looks numbly around the bar for something, anything to give to the drunk to get him out of there. He spies the box with the turtle in it, stuffed in a niche under the bar.

Now, the guy doesn't really want his son to have a turtle for a pet. They're lousy pets. You tell 'em to sit, that's good for a week. Tell it to stay, you can go to college and come back. So he grabs the box with turtle in it and hands it to the drunk, who happily staggers out of the bar, and hopefully home. The bartender finishes cleaning up the bar, locks up, and goes home himself.

A month later, the bartender is closing up again, when the same drunk walks in.

"Hey you remember me?" says the drunk, just as sloshed as he had been the previous time.

"Huh?" says the bartender, having pretty much forgotten the event.

"The dartboard, remember? I hit the bullseye from right here when you said I couldn't do it."

"Oh yeah," says the bartender. "So what can I get you?"

"I betcha I can do it again," says the drunk.

"No way," says the bartender. "No way could you make a shot like that again in your boozy life."

"Gimme a dart and let's find out!" says the drunk. The bartender hands him the dart.

The drunk takes the dart, and just like the previous time, leans all the way back on the stool, throws it across the bar at the dartboard on the other side, and bingo! bullseye again!

"I did it again! I did it again!" cries the drunk. "What do I get this time?"

"I dunno," says the bartender, "What did I give you last time?"

"Lessee," says the drunk, trying to pierce the haze of his alcohol-clouded memory.

"Oh yeah, I remember!" says the drunk. "That was a roast beef on a hard roll!"”

“Mmmmm, those escargots are really crunchy when you take out the yukky old bit of chewing gum :oP”

“Herbert had just met Chummy, and they were sitting on the bench at the end of the dock, discussing the lobstering. Suddenly, Herbert looks up and sees his wife walking down the dock towards them, and she's walking with Cindy, who happens to be his girlfriend. In a panic, he says to Chummy, "Man,you've got to help me, that's my wife walking down the dock, and she's walking with my girlfriend, you gotta hide me". Chummy looks at Herbert and says, "That's funny, I was just about to say the same thing"!”

“My Dad just emailed me this. Cracked me up pretty bad, but maybe some of you will wonder what is so funny, who knows.


This story tells a lot about where we live.



A couple of red neck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other red neck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The red neck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"”

“My Dad emailed me this. I am sure that it is pure fiction, but here goes:

Subject: Think You're Having A Bad Day...check out these actual
cases:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver
ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with
very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied
at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along
as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called
for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped and the stretcher fell dumping the husband
out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still thinking that you are having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.”

“the first story, a tv show called
CSI did a show about something like that something with the guys partner and blowing up his air tank. blew him into a forest and then the tank with the gas caught on fire.”

“Ha! Actually Lyndy, I know the first story is true- There's even a weirder twist to it- The diver and the pilot actually almost got into an unrelated fight at a casino a couple of days before the whole thing happened. What about this one, also true-

A man jumped off a building in an attempt to kill himself, not realizing that the building was under construction and therefore had a safety net designed to catch falling bricks around it. He would have survived, except that at the exact moment he passed a certain window on the way down, someone fired a shotgun in the apartment, filling him full of lead. The MAJOR twist to this one is, the person who fired the shotgun was his own father, who, when arguing with his wife, would threaten her with an unloaded shotgun. Being depressed, the suicidal son had only recently loaded the shotgun himself in an attempt to get back at his parents for some argument.”

“I wish I could edit these things right. No matter what it looks like on the message window, it looks chopped up in the thread.”

“Huh? Man that is way beyond bizarre!”

“one says to the other, 'Have you heard about mad cow disease?'

'Sure,' replied the other cow, 'but it doesn't worry me; I'm a penguin.'

I told that one in the staff room and a woman colleague said to me, 'Because it was black and white?'

I just said, 'Yeah.'”

“Sally the Penguin was driving her car one day, when all of a sudden the engine started to make weird noises.
She pulled over into the nearest gas station to have it fixed.
"How long do you think it'll take?" Sally asked the mechanic.
"Oh, about an hour." He said.
So, Sally the penguin went for a walk, and she found an ice cream parlor- Being a penguin, she loved ice cream, so she ate about five gallons of vanilla before heading back to the gas station.
"So, what's the problem?" She asked the mechanic.
"You blew a seal." He replied.
"Oh, no." Said Sally as she finished cleaning herself with a napkin.
"This is just ice cream."

(BTW, there is no actual evidence, to my knowledge, that penguins are partial to ice cream.)”

“An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter "Me want coffee"
The waiter says, "sure Chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.

A few days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about anyway.

The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Engineer, drink coffe, shoot $hit and then disappear for a few days.”

“LOL
VERY FUNNY”

“LOL
VERY FUNNY”

“LOL
VERY FUNNY”

“ooppss
my comp
hikuped!




I love penguins!!!
penguins rock!!”

“Gremlin...that person was a professor, right? When I have kids...I'll keep them away from your school. :o)”

“She's retired. Although, to think of it, I've always equated a good sense of humour with intelligence - and the lack of it......”

“Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"”

“Take your bad day out on someone you don't know.

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me? I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered the phone, I yelled "You're an A$$HOLE!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word a$$hole and put it in my desk. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an A$$HOLE!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me. I would have to stop calling the A$$HOLE.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, I made up a name. "Hi, I'm with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?" "NO" he shouted and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because your an A$$HOLE!"

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to back very slowly out of her space. I backed up a little more


togive her plenty of room. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving."

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling "You can't do that. I was here first! They guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. I thought to myself Here is another A$$HOLE; there are sure alot of jerks in the world."

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of the car. I wrote the number down. Then, I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling the first guy and yelling "You're an A$$HOLE!" (I now had him on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the BMW guy so I called him too.

I said, "I this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 100 Any St. It's the yellow house and the car is right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hanson."
"When's a good time to catch you?"
"I'm home evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Sure."
"Don, you're an A$$HOLE!"

Then I added Don's number to my speed dialer. After a few months of calling both numbers; yelling and slamming the phone down, it just wasn't enjoyable anymore.

So I came up with a plan.

I called a$$hole #1.

The man answered "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're an A$$HOLE! but I didn't hang up.
The a$$hole said, "Are you still there?"
I said "Yeah"
He said "Stop calling me."
I said "Make me."
He said "What's your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hanson"
He said, "Where do you live?"
"100 Any Street. It's the yellow house and my black BMW is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now. You'd better start saying your prayers!"
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, A$$HOLE!" then I hung up.

Then I called a$$hole #2.
I said, "Hello, A$$HOLE!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$!"
"Well here's your chance I'm coming over right now!" I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way over to 100 Any Street to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to channel 2 about a gang war going on over at 100 Any Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 100 Any Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction!! Watching two a$$holes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!”

“lol! I've heard that one before, but not quite the same...”

“so, a man walks into a bar, wearing a pirate costume with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender looks him over and says, 'so, what's the deal with the steering wheel?'

'Arrrrgh,' says the pirate.














'It's driving me nuts!'”

“What do you call a lesbian dinasaur?

















Alickalotapus”

“lmao”