DOGS W/A**HOLES

“Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at bar when suddenly, Steve throws up all over himself.

"Oh, man, now Jane'll kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the cleaning bill."

So, they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually, Steve staggers through his front door and his wife proceeds to give him a real hard time. "You reek of alchohol and you've puked all over yourself. You're disgusting!"

Speaking very deliberately, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can esplain everthin'. Itsh snot whatch jew think. I only hadda coupla drrrinks. But thish other guy, yazee he got sick on me... he coun' hole hizzz...likker. He said he wazzz...real sorry an' he gave me twenny bucks for the cleaning bill (hic)."

Jane looks in his shirt pocket and says, "But you have forty bucks here."

"Oh, yeah, I almos' fergot, he sshhhit in my pants, too!"”

“roflmao!!!!”

“ROFLMFAO”

“hahhhhhaaa! lol!!”

“ROFL!!!

This was the best laugh I've had in years! Thanks, FG.”

“Sometimes ...

when you cry ...

no one sees your tears......


Sometimes...

when you are in pain...


no one sees your hurt...


Sometimes...

when you are worried...

no one sees your stress......


Sometimes ...

when you are happy ...

no one sees your smile ......












But fart just one time.....”

“I love it...!!
Hope no one can see me laughing
loudly all alone!!”

“LOL strat, you da man! We gotta share a trail some day!”

“BTW, strat, yo' mama plays a washboard!”

“mamma plays a sqweezebox, daddy never sleeps at night...”

“"Her music fills the whole damn street!"”

“An American moves to Unst, the northernmost of the Shetland Islands. It is beautiful, wild and remote.

After he has been there for 3 months, he has yet to meet a soul. Then, one night, there is a knocking at his door. He opens the door to find a great bear of a man standing there, over six and a half feet tall with a flowing mane of hair and a great bushy beard.

"Hello, neighbor," says the giant,
" M'name's Ferguson, Angus Ferguson and I've come to invite ye to a party."

"Well gee," says the American, "I've been here for over 3 months now and haven't seen a soul and now you're standing here inviting me to a party. That's really swell. Won't you please come in?"

The Shetlander has to duck as he comes through the doorway. "There'll be music, grrreat Shetland music, with pipes and drrrums and fiddles!"

The American replies, "Well, that sounds nice. I like music."

"And there'll be dancin', wild, foot-stompin' Shetland dancin'!"

"Well, I was known to be pretty light on my feet in college. I never had a problem finding a dancing partner."

"And there'll be fightin', wild, head-buttin', eye-gougin', bone crrrunchin' Shetland fightin!"

"Well, I was on the boxing team in college. I figure I can hold my own."

"And there'll be sex, wild, screamin', hair-pullin' no-holds-barred Shetland sex! Aye, laddie, it'll be a grand time!"

"Well, I've been here for over 3 months now. I could really use some attention from a woman. What shall I wear to your party?"

The great Shetlander puts a huge paw over the American's shoulder, nearly covering it and replies "Och, don'nae worry 'boot THAT, laddie! Come as ye are, it'll only be you and me!"”

“Hey! Y'all are gonna hurt my feelings if'n ya don't start laughing at my damn joke!”

“i cant get over how funny it was
ok, ok maybe a litle thick”

“Gee, thanks.”

“i heard that last week on garrison's show. did you also like the one about the cowboy?

running girl”

“"A Prairie Home Companion" has been one of my favorite shows for over 20 years. I should have known that others on this board would listen as well, LOL. I did think that a Scot imitating an American accent was funny as hell!”

“I like the Shetland one, I heard it years ago (except about a guy in Maine). Two good ones from FG.”

“A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it >board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya #&%!$ one goat . . . "


I posted a version of this before (I searched it on google using the punchline tonight)... but Strats fart joke reminded me of it.”

“LOL!”

“A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to
her
mother in Poland.The man tells her it will be $300.
She exclaims,"I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get
a
message to my mother in Poland!!!"To that the man asks, "Anything"??
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"With that, the man says,
"Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the
door."
She does.He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out
and
takes hold of it with both hands.The man then says, "Well, go
ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her
lips, she says, "Hello....mom?"”

“It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep, she has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath.
That, right, the sign outside reads:

Super California Mystic
Expert Halitosis”

“It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.”

“CHARLOTTE, North Carolina (AP) -- An 8-year-old boy was mauled to death by his father's four pit bulls, and prosecutors were considering charges against the father ranging from child neglect to murder.

Roddie Philip Dumas Jr. was attacked in the fenced-in yard of his father's home Friday. Neighbors and a postal worker who heard the boy's screams rushed to the scene.

The boy's father, Roddie Philip Dumas Sr., 29, and his girlfriend, were inside the house but did not come outside until the dogs had already severely injured the boy, officials said.

"One had him on his neck. Two had him on the side. And one had him on the leg," said Edward Threatt, a neighbor. "They were pulling on him just like you do a rag doll."

A letter carrier threw his mailbag and then a wooden block at the dogs, which then ran away, Threatt said. But neighbors and police said the father then came outside and told the letter carrier to get off his property.

The boy was taken to a hospital, where he died.

After searching Dumas' home, police charged him with drug and firearms felonies.

Another responsible gun owner.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/South/04/17/fatal.mauling.ap/index.html”

“After all the press on how dangerous those animals can be, anyone that still insists on keeping them should be put in a room with 10 of them and steaks strapped to their body. I love animals, dogs included, but pit bulls are up there with bears and tigers as animals that just shouldn't be kept as "pets".”

“They are not dangerous if raised by intelligent caring people.

Any large breed of dog is very dangerous when raised by stupid irresponsible a$$holes who simply want a gun with legs.”

“"Another responsible gun owner"

How about 'Another POS parent, that doesn't care about his kid until something tragic happens'”

“He didn't care even then!

A letter carrier threw his mailbag and then a wooden block at the dogs, which then ran away, Threatt said. But neighbors and police said the father then came outside and told the letter carrier to get off his property.
”

“You're right Phaedrus.

But he'll be all teary eyed and sorrowful as he recounts on the stand (if he takes it) how he 'only left him alone for a minute'”

“I've personally known a pitbull who flipped, BTW. He was raised in a loving environment and was a good dog for his first year and a half, but got very mean in the summer after his first birthday. My friend who had rescued him from the pound as a puppy got bit and his girlfriend was attacked a day later. She got away by jumping the fence from the backyard into the alley, and still got several bites on her leg.

They took the dog to the vet who couldn't find anything wrong with him, and they tried to keep him, but he just was too unpredictable to keep as a pet. They had to put him to sleep.

It can probably happen with any dog, but this time it was a pitbull. I doubt I'd ever want to try to own one.”

“you oughtta see me 6 yr old when he get pi$$ed at his big brothers.....WHOA NELLY!”

“The time me and mauler spent 2 nights in the woods with the homeless in key largo, they owned 4 pitbulls that were tied up in the woods all the time, I wouldn't go near the things... I usually like dogs, but if they'll bite my hand off i don't like them so much.”

“I don't think USA likes responsible gun owners.

The 8 year old's father sound like a "redneck". Sorry if I'm stereotyping.”

“some breeds are unpredictable, my uncle has a pit bull named Herschel, he used to any way, don't know about now, the dog was aging some back then. Anyway Herschel was a big baby, but I still wouldn't wanna try to sneak in on them.”

“we have a dalmation, Buckshot is his name. best dog i ever had.

lots n lots of peeps have told me they thought dalmations were nasty, mean, aggresive, ill tempered, dumb, worthless dogs.

buckshot dispells all these myths. he is as perfect as a dog can get. they are not for everyone cuz they are pretty large and very rambunctious. but for our family, he fits the bill. he loves hiking, rastlin with the boys, getting loved on, running miles with buffalobabe, and pleasing us. he obeys 10 or so commands with eagerness....

my point is, love yo dog, train him well and correctly, love him some more and most any dog can be a great dog. some may flip out...go bad....just liek some people do...”