The madcap adventures of Psycho Squirrel

“Oh yeah right, Like EVERY cannibal squirrel out there is me.

TOMATOES dude! I like to eat TOMATOES not other squirrels!”

“Just when you thought it was safe to back into the woods, the varmint returns.”

“I know an Adirondack chipmunk that would kick that tree rat's butt!”

“Driving through wyoming, we saw a lot of dead prarie dogs being cannibalized. Ick.”

“Maybe they're like the Martians in "Stranger in a Strange Land"”

“I guess we shouldn't be too hard on Geobeet for losing his battle with the squirrel. Even the second most powerful man in America, commander-in-chief of the greatest military ever has met his match.


White House loses tree to squirrels
http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/weird_news/4060935.htm " target="_blank"> Associated Press

WASHINGTON - A tree that has graced the White House's expansive North Lawn since the 19th century came down Thursday, the victim of over-aggressive squirrels.

Workers with chain saws, a wood chipper, a forklift and other equipment labored through the morning to fell the yellow buckeye that had towered over many of the grounds' other trees. After chopping off the branches and most of the top, the final large piece of the trunk hit the ground with a boom around lunchtime.

All that was left by the end of the day was a hole in the ground newly filled with dirt.

The tree was planted at an undetermined time before 1900, said White House spokeswoman Anne Womack. Unlike some of the trees on the grounds, it had not been planted for any special commemorative purpose, she said.

The tree's undoing was its appeal to squirrels, which burrowed so deeply they penetrated the layer that transports water throughout the tree. Groundskeepers had to spend a large amount of time tending the tree and shearing top branches as they died of thirst. Eventually, workers concluded the tree could become a hazard over the winter and decided it had to come down, Womack said.

"Over the last couple of years, for some reason the squirrels have just attacked this particular tree," Womack said.”

“Yet another Al-Qaeda-nature link...”

“hay geobeet has not been around for a very long time. what the he!! did you do with him PS.Fess up
first you eat his veggies then you push him down a Mt. now what?”

“running the al-quacks must take a lot of time.”

“lol”

“That is about the size of it, LOL.”

“Coons ripped open a bog of finch feed and the squirrels spread it all over my porch. Great. Now I'll have seed plants sprouting all over the place!”

“Positively evil creatures they are, and they always look so innocent. You chase them and they look at you with those eyes that say, "Don't be mean to me mither, I'm such a nice fuzzy little wuzzy!"”

“That little sumbeech must have sold my tomatoes and gone to Florida for the winter. When HPM sent my TT Tee, Psycho had scrawled his damn name on the return address!

HPM, could you just drop the little blighter off in Alligator Alley for me?”

“Bizarre! Actually a family of foxes in everyone's backyard would be much more effective. We had one for a while, and all kinds of plant eating nuisances avoided our yard. Now we are overrun with varmits.”

“Acutally, I find a fox around my house to be extremely effective as well.”

“An outdoor fox or an indoor one, LOL, Chili?”

“Did somebody say foxes. I, Fodor Sistrunk, am yearning for lots of American foxes.”

“Festrunk, I am Fodor Festrunk.”

“I am a softie for the indoor type, lyndy.”

“teh teh, chili36 seems to be enjoying his winter a little too much!”

“I tend to enjoy every time of year, lyndy.”

“If I could just train Psycho to eat the snow from the driveway ...”

“well geo, it seems your furry little buddy has found his way to the Island of NY.


he was out sat in the am tearing up our garbage.

twignut and myself tried to teach him how to dance. we got the water bottle and sprayed him with it. the silly thing loved it! took pics and will post tonight. so i got the garden ready for planting and he better not even think of my veggies.

got the kids making me a scare crow.

funny thing is, trying to find straw in New York.”

“Ahhhhhhhh, and this is where animal-loving Maple is going to go stark raving Loonytoons mad!

Squirrels are from da devil!”

“Trashin' your garbage, huh?

I eagerly await further reports as the Treewomen decend into squirrel-induced madness.”

“It's really not fun at all when you arrive at the inevitable realization that you truly are dumber than a squirrel.”

“no comment”

“Uh oh, now ya gone and done it, Geo!”

“I've been doing it ever since I left the womb.”

“EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate
to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with
steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.

No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

TORQUE.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front heel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity.

It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could.

This time it worked ... sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.

Picture a new scene.

You are a cop.

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.

Really...

Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing up the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing.

The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.

And a whole lot of Band-Aids.”

“I know, it's probably an urban legend, but I couldn't help it-- this was far too funny...

For some reason, I'm picturing DDX on his motorcycle with the squirrel attacking him....”

“Heh heh heh!”

“Where is DDX These days? Working on a new squirrel jacket?”

“Is that a squirrel in your pants or are you happy to see me?

”

“hotlinker!”

“Goldang, it looked fine on the preview!”

“Same on the Sarabelle thread, BTW.”

“Yeah, and on the size does matter thread too.

B@st@rds!”

“The site is hilarious.”

“Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4489792.stm”

“Wow.

It also reminds me of the rabbit from "The Holy Grail."”

“Run Away!
Run away!”

“LOL
I beat the Vile Man..
I beat the Vile Man..
I beat the Vile Man..

...and he can't stand it.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL”

“It must run in Psycho Squirrel's family. I found a clip of his cousin the Nija Chipmunk who took on a cat and won.

(work safe video)”

“Jeez! It's been a few years since I had a run in (attacked by) a chipmunk so I forgot how aggressive they can be. Cute video but I don't think the music could be any cheeseier.”

“Squirrel Family Attacks:

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1929127.html?menu=news.quirkies”