The madcap adventures of Psycho Squirrel

“Well, crap, that didn't work. Harrrrumph! The caption was supposed to read, 'If Psycho Squirrel's a mom, ya might want to keep this in mind before ya murder it'. (I'll get this $hit figured out one of these days, mumble, mumble, mumble...)”

“sorry FG but thats not funny thats pretty sick. the thought that someone even went that far to do an expreimentlike that is sick!
whats the fricken point?
sorry but not funny!”

“Leaf, that's not an experiment. It's what happens when well-meaning but ignorant people try to care for wild animals. Read the article, you goofball!”

“Isn't it high time to Ban Father Goose?!!”

“Watch it, Fiddler! I know where you live! Mmmwwwwwoooowaahahahahahahahahaha!”

“"Well, crap, that didn't work. Harrrrumph! The caption was supposed to read, 'If Psycho Squirrel's a mom, ya might want to keep this in mind before ya murder it'. (I'll get this $hit figured out one of these days, mumble, mumble, mumble...)"
Father Goose
11:18:05 AM
08/13/02






this just goes to show you to read before you leap!

sorry father but correct your mistakes before i jump all over you next time (hint,be quicker)”

“just kidding father goose.
all i ok in the goose land today:)”

“Ahhh, another day of frustrated computer geeks spending their time as squirrel wannabes. Let's see your best graphics.”

“I haven't seen Geobeet lately.
He must be up to something.

”

“hay what geo said....


bring on the naked sqirrel!!


i know one of you sick TT'ers have it!”

“OOOH there he is!”

“OK Geo: You deserve an explanation. Here goes:

The Squirrel Conspiracy



WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. IT'S TIME TO BE PREPARED.

THE PAST

In the past the world's ecosystem contained two very intelligent, advanced animals (okay their were more than two but the other do not count in this story). These were squirrels and humans. There were many types of squirrels (the main being the european red squirrel) but all lived in peace with mankind. This all changed with the arrival of the grey squirrel.

THE GREY SQUIRREL

The grey squirrel was created in a high-tech laborotory connected to such powerful names as the FBI, CIA, KGB, MI5, MI6 and QVC. It is unknwon whether the squirrels were created as a secret Cold war weapon or whether they are alien hybrids but their past is defantely murky and well hidden.
Whatever the origional purpose was, the squirrels have now become a major threat to the safety of mankind.

THE CONSPIRACY

There are two main conspiracies associated with the grey squirrel. Either way we are in trouble.

1)The squirrels were created by a secret, and rather shady,government organisation (now known as Slabulbus) to help them in their plotting. The squirrels are used as spies and foot soldiers and are the main weapon of this hidden, fascist group. The only way to stop the squirrels would be to take out the lunatics creating them.

2) The squirrels were created for a secret, but peaceful, use by the government. However the squirrels escaped and now seek revenge against mankind. The squirrels must be planning to destroy the human race to become the ruling animal of the planet. They are beleived to have some sort of alliance with Slabulbus even if they were not created by them.

SKILLS OF THE SQUIRREL

The squirrel has many skills of which it can use in it's deadly pursuits.

1) Cuteness:- By looking cute the squirrels can impose a false sense of security on uninformed members of the public. This makes it easier for them to infiltrate the homes and gardens of thier enemies.
2) Agility:- Squirrels are extremely agile creatures. They are fast sprinters, long jumpers and have very good grip when scaling
walls. I have even seen squirrels training on miniture military assault courses.
3) Numbers:- Squirrels breed at an ridiculous rate which means that a large army of squirrels can literally be formed overnight by a small, but busy, platoon.
4) Teeth:- Squirrels can actually give quite a nasty bite when cornered.
5) Flight:- Some squirrels have developed a thin layer of skin that is webbed between their limbs. The squirrels can use this like wings to glide from high altitutes.
6) Weapondary:- The squirrels have a surpirsingly large arsenal of weapons. Above the usual throwing nuts, more advanced squirrels can carry gas nuts, exploding nuts, miniture semi-automatic pistols and twigs.

THE RED SQUIRREL

Some of you reading this may be wondering what has been happening to the red squirrel during all of this anarchy. The grey squirrels tried to corrupt the reds into joining them. Other than a few defections the majority of the red squirrels refused. In revenge, the grey squirrels forced the reds into ghettos and starved them. Many innocent red squirrels died for their peaceful beliefs. In retaliation, small groups of red squirrel freedom fighters were formed. These were collectively known as "the red army."
Only by allying with these peaceful cousins of our enemy can we fight the squirrel terror together.

DEFECTIONS

In the beginning of the red/grey war there were many defections. A few grey squirrels broke their mould and joined the rebel reds as inside spies. However, a small group of cowardly reds also joined to grey squirrels for protection. It has also been known for squirrels to dye their fur so that they may infiltrate the enemy bases. Therefore, during the revolution, you must not discriminate against a squirrel because of it's colour. It's not safe and it's not PC either.

THE HIERARCHY

There is a complex heirarchy within the squirrel community. The squirrels you will find in your gardens or local parks will be the lowly ground forces. Do not bow to the urge to fight these no matter how easy it appears. Even if you can erradicate the squirrel threat to your area, the higher ranked squirrels will be informed and a larger retallition army will be sent. It is not sure whether the leaders are squirrel or human but they are no doubt foreboding. To truly join the revolution you must help to expose the leaders so that we may destroy the squirrel hierarchy and throw them into disarry.

EXTRA DANGERS

While fighting the great squirrel war there are a few things you should remember. One of these is that the squirrels have human allies. These are a great danger to the revolutionary as they are not only bigger or stronger but have opposable thumbs and can work technology easier. This is why you must never reveal your real name in public while despensing revolutionary papers as thus. You must also never underestimate the intelligence of the squirrel. The squirrels you see in the park are the lowest in the heirarchy and they are not stupid. I would not like to go head-to-head against the leader squirrels. Another thing to remember is that the squirrels have a very powerful research group that conduct vile experiments on their own kind. We have already seen the success of the flying squirrel, who know what thier next weapon may be.
The last, but possibly most important, warning is that the squirrels have a very good secret service. Stay on your toes. They could be watching you right now!

US AND THEM

I myself did not beleive the truth when I first heard it. However I was convinced by an inside source. One day, about a year ago, I found a red squirrel sitting on my window ledge, one story up. I wasn't sure how it got there but realising that it was an endangered species (How naive I was) I took it into the house. I was surprised to find that it could speak english (although in a rather squeaky, slightly Irish sounding way). He told me that he could not tell me his real name but that he went by the codename Mr Snuffles as that was what it's first human contact called him (a six year old girl called Alice, now believed to be held by the squirrels for interogation)
Mr Snuffles had been put up in an orphanage by his parents who were being starved by the greys. He was brought up by a group of revolutionaries. His goal was to find as many human allies that he could, destroy the squirrel empire and find his family. I agreed to find help through the internet while my dog (a champion squirrel-hunter) stood guard. Only one question remains. Are you with us or are you one of them?”

“oh god this is going to be a long and painful day!”

“A debate between 668 and psycho squirrel???

I need a beer.”

“Nice try but everyone knows that red squirrels are more than a little unbalanced.”

“hay chili36 you have an extra one??”

“ML, I think this one will be worthy of a 12 pack.”

“Frankly I think this is another lame attempt to divide the squirrel population. Grey squirrels fighting red squirrels. That's just what the man wants! Divide us, weaken us and keep us down!”

“AH HAH!

quik get geo!”

“Come on people!
Look at the source! How much closer to the beast can you get? Are you really going to believe him?”

“When I get my hands on that little $hit, the grays are gonna be one man short!”

“Psycho Squirrel is beginning to sound a little like Jesse Jackson.

Next thing you know, he will want us to call him "Reverend" Psycho Squirrel.”

“WTF???

Psycho Squirrel already has a degree in Divinity ?”

“Good. Hope he said his prayers!”

“Well yes, there are squirrels of the cloth. After all a squirrel does not live on nuts alone. Like all of gods creature we require spiritual nourishment.”

“I've seen Chicago grey skerls drop from tree, hit the pavement and get up running. Nothing like red or pscho skerl.”

“"Frankly I think this is another lame attempt to divide the squirrel population. Grey squirrels fighting red squirrels. That's just what the man wants! Divide us, weaken us and keep us down!"
Psycho Squirrel
12:29:06 PM
08/13/02

I am a civil liberties lawyer and I think you have a case here Psycho Squirrel. If you are in need of representation, please let me know. I would be honored to assist you in defeating these TT squirrel haters!”

“Shark befriends rodent!”

“Be careful lawyer, your client is about to get caught up in a scandal .”

“All are welcome in the defense of liberty and the freedoms that made this country great.
”

“"TUFTY THE TRAFFIC SAFETY SQUIRREL SINGS
WHAT IF GOD SMOKED CANNABIS"


im sorry but i just couldnt bring myself to listen to this song. im already on the verg of getting fired becasue of you squirrel. and if i do get fired because of you. then look out for me cause ill be alot harder on you then geobeet. remeber one thing....
ive got a bunch of ny pigons that will fly down there and...and.. well you can guess the rest!”

“How many computer geeks does it take to fill up a squirrel thread with riveting graphics?














Answer
Just go back and count 'em!”

“oh man did i just threaten a sqirrel? can i go to jail for that?

god i need a life!”

“You muckraker!

I was young and immature. Surely we all had, ummm, "youthful indescretions" But that's all in the past now. I was was drunk, I was lonely, I NEEDED THE MONEY”

“You better bet you did.
And my lawyer was right there!”

“ML you did just threaten my client and as soon as I can secure a warrant, I have half a mind to have you arrested. In the meantime, I'll be securing a restraint order that prohibits any and all contact with my client.”

“alright, i'm addicted. NEVER shoulda got near this thing.
i'm going to save the whole ordeal to disk and bury it in the backyard in a time capsule.

in the aftermath, it will be the only documentation of the real deal”

“what?
im now going to get sued by a fricken squirrel?

ok who is your lawyer?”

“Well, PS, go ahead and admit it.

Where you the one on the left, the right, or in the middle?”

“Darn skippy missy!

Keep that crazy woman away from me!
And here I was thinking that you were a nice person and all.

I'm so dissapointed in you.”

“PS as your lawyer, I advise you not to answer that question.”

“You can't tell?
So now you are going to compound it with the bigoted statment that "They all look the same to you"

Nice.”

“oh man was I just threatened by a sqirrel?



please tell me im seeing things!”

“i don't think anyone here involved will be able to look at tree clinging rodents in the same way again.

squirrel discrimination/abuse.

p-squirrel- theft w/intent to distribute?
geo- premeditated genocide


gong. gong. gong. gong.”

“You think YOU are being threatened?

Geobeet wants to do this to me

And worse too!

I just can't feel sorry for you.”

“oh man i cant take anymore....geo just give it up man your losing any ground you had on this thing!




ps sqirrely man
im not scared of you!!! (sticks tounge out and sends razzberriers towards you)”

“I have to admit there PS, even with your,,,ummm,,,checkered past,,,you do have a point there.”

“Finally, reason starts to sink in. You people are tough.

ML, you just keep your distance.”

“geo, you better get your squirrel away from me NOW~~
cause i can not be responsable for my actions!



take that you nut case!”

“I am my own squirrel. I answer to no man.

Take what? I didn't see anything?”