boo hoo

“what with everyone commiserating and grieving today, it's made me feel like doing the same. i'm really extra-sad today. i thought it would make me feel somewhat better to post this...you guys are so cool and always make me think and laugh and whatnot...and just putting it into words i think will help me.

earlier this summer, my 19-year-old brother died, of what was apparently an overdose. we were very, very close, and he was just about the best person i know...he always made a point of telling everyone he loved them, and he was incredibly outgoing and funny.

last night, i talked to my mom, and she told me that the authorities finally came to the conclusion that it was a heroin overdose, which i know he had never done (at least up until a few weeks before he died, which was the last time i saw him).

my parents went to see the police night before last, and were told that the people who sold it to him were being charged with murder, not only because they sold it to him, but because they apparently helped him inject it, because as my brother's friend said, he was too messed up on other things by the time he bought it to have even been able to inject it himself. the girl who sold it to him is the niece of my best friend from elementary school, and now she and her boyfriend face up to 40 years in jail.

my parents are just reeling from shock that he was even into drugs. it makes it worse because it seems that my brother's friends who were with him that night, and even their parents, lied to my family initially about what happened, about how and when he died. also, my mom said she'd talked to my brother the very night before he died, and he told her about how depressed he'd been lately (he was taking Paxil, and also antidepressants), and that he was starting to have memories of being abused by a close friend of the family. he promised that he'd never to anything to hurt himself, though...

when he first died, it seemed very unreal, and i wasn't even overwhelmingly sad...it seemed to me like my brother was there with me, and that he was laughing and joking about everything, and making me feel better, like he always did. but now i really miss him, and i feel really bad for my parents, who now have to go through all the court proceedings and everything... i feel bad about whatever he was going through before he died. and also i'm going through the guilt stage because i was supposed to be the older, wiser one, whereas in reality i always used to party with him.

but his friend Holly said that he was such a positive, wonderful person that she imagined that when he died he became a part of the sun or something, and i thought that was a very good way of putting it.

i just needed to vent...”

“Sorry doesn’t really cut it but all I have are words. My brother-in-law got kicked out of his sixth heroin rehab this summer for continuing to use. He was looking so good and healthy but now he looks nearly dead. It’s a killer on the family and I have at least a little appreciation for where you are. Sorry.”

“You have my condolences. Go for a little dayhike, it will make you feel better. Nature has a way of doing this.”

“no words that I can say will ease your and your family's pain...Go in peace and find God's solitude and strength...hike a mountain and watch a sunset and cry.”

“You really can't blame yourself for something like that, Lyra, but I think you know that. Loss of a loved one is probably the most difficult thing that we as humans face, I think. It reminds us of our own mortality and it's hard to let go of something that was once so tangible and real and rely on the feelings and memories of that person. Just give it time, girl.”

“That's very sad, Lyra. It sounds like you and I are similiar in that things may not impact us right away, but we feel it more down the road. My condolences and thoughts are with you and your family.”

“My heart goes out to you and to your family and to his loved-ones. Like Violin said, there`s no words to make this bitter pill better and sorry doesn`t seem like much when it`s to late to do anyone any good at all.


They tell me everything happens for a reason and I hope that`s true. You can`t undo his death now by putting the blame, or guilt on you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and pray that things will get better for you.”

“thanks you guys, you're all so sweet! it does feel better just to talk about it. i was just thinking that, Artex...i felt like something was wrong with me when i wasn't sad along with everyone else right at the beginning...”

“Hugs, lyra. C'mon out and hike with us sometime, I'll have your hugs ready and waiting for you.”

“It's a sad day indeed, but even sadder knowing of your loss. Bless you and your family.”

“I'm much the same way...no reaction until much after. I think it's not so unusual to react that way. It takes time to sort things out in your mind. Lyra, I know it does no good but I am sorry for what you and your family have gone through. I wish you peace.”

“It is the saddest, when someone survives through childhood and is just ready to go out into the world, then something like this happens...
I wish I had something comforting to say.
Thanks for sharing. Maybe someone else said something that helps.”

“Lyra - I'm sad w/ you. My brother is also my best friend and I can't even put into words how it would feel to lose him.

I'm sure Holly is right... He probably became part of something more beautiful than we could ever imagine. I like her suggestion that he became part of the sun.”

“Lyra, I am so sorry to hear the tragedy of your brothers death. May the beauty of the world around you remind of the beauty of his soul.



(and I pray this works!)”

“My thoughts are with you today. I hope you and your family find peace somehow.
It does feel a little better to talk about things. Im glad you did it here with your friends!
Ill have a drink for you and your family tonight and ill say a pray for your brother aslo”

“Sorry lyra. I hate it when bad things happen to good people.

I know what you mean about not feeling overwelmingly sad at first. My mom died in a car wreck the day after Christmas almost 3 years ago when she and my dad were visiting. I didn't feel really sad until the next Christmas when she wasn't around. It gets a little easier every year, but we still miss her.

Take care-”

“I'm one of those people who burst out at the first piece of bad news. My sister is the opposite, much like you, lyra. But she rarely shows emotion to anyone. Each grieves in their own way.

So sorry to hear about your brother. I hope in some way all of us help, even if its just for a minute.”

“Lyra, I can't even come close to imagining what you and your family are going through. My heart sincerely goes out to you. Sometimes venting is good. Your welcome to do it here anytime.”

“oohhh, you are all so wonderful!! i wish i could give you all a big hug right now. i'm tearing up all over again... it did work, Pathman...beautiful! thank you all so much.

Aero, i'm really sorry about your mom. it's good to hear other people saying they react the same way i do...”

“I miss SkinnyKenny to some times but I kno he is happy gettin rats at the nother farm some wher in Flowerda. My daddy says we can not go visset him tho cuz they dont let no dogs aroun ther.

If it will make you happy you can come to my hous and skratch my belly. I will lay down good so you can see my belly good and skratch it. You can skratch my hed to cuz I will not bite off yer arm.”

“Lyra - yes, different people have different ways of dealing with things. I had the same thoughts when I've lost someone in the past.. I wondered what was "wrong" with me because I didn't outright cry or grieve right away. For me, the more I reflected on the situation as the days, weeks, and/or months went by, and also felt the loss in everyday life, then it hit me harder. Human emotions are very complex, therefore we all deal with situations differently. I ultimately, and thankfully, realized there was nothing "wrong" with me..”

“Sweetheart, that is just awful.
That boy was way too young to die.
My oldest son is 19.

For me anyway, things like this just reinforce what I have known for a long time.

And that is that we are on our own.

We must be able to make it on our own in order to be there for or with others.

Its a different take on the idea of loving oneself in order to be able to love others.

I certainly don't mean to sound callous but we must keep some reasonably hard "bark" on us .

At the same time we must cry when we must.”

“LOL!! thanks for not planning to bit off my arm, Sarabelle :-) i'd come pet you anytime...just stay away from my butt!!

it feels really good that you and others understand about that, Artex. i felt strange about having my parents cry all over me, and not be crying too...

i hesitated to talk about this here, partially because i didn't know what my own motivations were for doing so, or because i thought it might not be appropriate. but i'm really glad i did...it's so weird that i feel like i'm friends with people i've never met! weird, but good.”

“hi Lyra,

I don't think it seemed like he was gone because he isn't really gone. I believe he is still here helping you through this, just like you said.

No guilt! Don't even think it. Concentrate on the good times.

I don't know what that Delayed Reaction thing is about. When my grandfather died, it didn't really hit me for over a year. It must be one of those nutty psychological defense mechanisms.

And Yes! Get outside! Run up and down some of those hills! Go check out that Billygoat Trail.

I know you'll feel better soon.”

“Ouch! Damn, Lyra thats a hard one. I dunno where to begin.

Feeling numb for a while is a pretty OK way to deal with things. When I learned by best friend and former roomate from college had killed himself, I was disappointed - but my reactions were mostly all in my head... and the thoughts came without much obvious emotion. I was also getting married (my wedding invitation was forwarded to his parents who told me he had died).

The powerful stuff was mostly underground, it came out in different ways over the next 10 years. And different things came out.

About 8 years after he died, I was back in Austin Texas (where we'd gone to school together) and I borrowed a friends bike to drive around the neighborhoods where I used to hang out. I'd loved him like a brother and wondered if more tears would come that day. I spent most of the time riding around and cussing him out for being such a stupid #&%!$.

When you get hit this hard everything you feel or don't feel is OK. With time, it fades, but it doesn't disappear.

I still love him, I still miss him, and I am still pissed off.”

“lyra, honey, you are worried about what is appropriate on TT? You talk to us about anything your heart desires or you need to get off your chest. Imagine anything being inappropriate on TT;-)”

“To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die.
A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal.
A time to laugh, a time to weep.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to build up, a time to break down.
A time to dance, a time to mourn.
A time to cast away stones.
A time to gather stones together.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time of love, a time of hate.
A time of war, a time of peace.
A time you may embrace.
A time to refrain from embracing.

To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to gain, a time to lose.
A time to rend, a time to sow.
A time for love, a time for hate.
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.

The Byrds”

“Oh Lyra, I am so sorry. When you first emailed me about your brother, I was startled because I knew there was probably a lot more to the story and I wasn't sure whether you knew it or not. But yes, some people don't feel grief in loud, in your face, ways. The thing about drugs is that they can be fun, have a party, no big deal, and then somewhere along the way, they can become terribly ugly. You did not do this TO your brother, and you did love him.

Maybe there is something that you can do to help heal the pain you feel, like plant a tree for him, with a plaque at the foot with his name on it. We have a tree at school planted for an eight year old boy who fell out a window, landed on his head and died. Children who never even met him, know his name because of the plaque, and even demand that windows be opened from the top, not bottom, as a result.

I hope you feel better soon, and come hike with us. The offer is always there for you to stay at my place before or after a hike.”

“Good idea Lyndys, We planted a Maple Leaf tree for my mom at the church she liked to go to. It has her name on the bottom of the tree. When im in PA, I go and visit it. It's known as the Sylvia Tree.”

“lyra, I realize the loss will always be painful. However, turn you sorrow into positive energy by finding a way to help ensure others might not have to go through this.

Even small acts of kindness or concern for those who need help can provide great rewards that we might not even be able to observe. Spend a day with a child who doesn't have enough parental support. Volunteer a day at a shelter. Exhibit an act of kindness toward someone who is struggling. Show the world that it is a better place not only because you are in it, but also because you care about the others who are in it with you.

Never wallow in the despair of death. Rather live in the Hope of Life.”

“point taken, pamster. :-)

Tilt, i think you are 100% right, he isn't really gone at all.

Ped, i'm sorry about your friend...i've suspected that my experience in the future might be as you've described.

that song is completely apropo, Geezr.

that's a really good way to think about it, Lyndy...make something positive out of it. Tarpy's mom suggested my mom might get into drug education or something to help her deal, and to turn her experience into something that might help others. and thank you so much for the offer to crash at your place! be very afraid...i'll most likely take you up on it soon! ;-)

Drew and i have/had really similar personalities, always wanting to try anything new and different, and sometimes really positive and sometimes really depressed. i think he knew just how fun, and just how ugly, drugs could be, and i think both of those things were attractions. sometimes you just can't keep someone from doing what they want to do. but still, i hope that because Drew was so well known and loved, his friends will think twice about what they do on a spur of the moment...

that's very good advice, chili. the worst thing i could do would be to eek all the negativity i could out of this experience. it would be a waste of a beautiful life to do that. Drew really was a good example for how people ought to treat each other, and i think i could learn a lot from following his examples.”

“The positives are enormous.

What I had of my friends life and death was a gift. Both have changed me, added flavoe to my being - given me something to offer. Both are blessings that I will not scorn.

I think what you were given and what you lost with your brother was all the more potent and powerful than my friendship was.

Bless you, Lyra.”

“Lyra, it's a beautiful day here in Montana and when I look up at the sun I'll think of your brother, as well as you.”

“Don't look at the Sun, Geezr!

<sheesh>”

“Lyra --

I am very sorry for you and your family.

This will have many layers for you . . .and you may be unpeeling them (the onion analogy) for the rest of your life.

Not all of the layers will be bad. It will impact you, how you live your life, heck . . .how you raise your children and countless other ways, and again . . .many of those ways will be positive.

I am sorry for you.”

“Although it is, I’m sure, a normal reaction, you really can’t blame yourself for your brother’s over-the-edge drug use. The experience with my brother-in-law has taught me that you really can’t change another person when they get caught up with addictive drugs. Partying with him doesn’t make you responsible. If all the people I partied with in my life turned to harder drugs, well… let’s just leave that there. In the final analysis, we’re only capable of controlling our own actions, and sometimes that’s a challenge too.

It really is nice (and odd) to have virtual friends you can turn to, isn’t it?”

“and HOW! :-)

i just want to say again how much everyone's words mean to me. thank you guys for making me see this in different ways, and for reinforcing what i've been thinking about...even if you are a bunch of titanium-ax-wielding brain-sucking aliens!
;-)”

“pssst! it's undead flesh eating zombies!”

“And Liberals!”

“EEWWW!! ick, ptooey! ;-P”

“that I prolly mite not smell yer stinky butt mebbe.
do;3”

“I think that's what today is really all about...all of us coming together.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. That kind of loss is very personal and sad.

I like chili's suggestion of altruism. Helping others is often a way I deal with (and heal) some of my own pain.

If acts of kindness can result from such sorrow, then it sort of makes it better...passing on the love, you know.

peace
<><”

“I am sorry I hope rays of sunshine can shine on you.

8)”

“Lyra,

I too lost a brother to drugs. I hope that, as time passes, you can find a way to look past the sensless nature of his passing. Seek meories of your brother, memories that reflect better places and happier times. If you dwell on the tragedy the pain can consume you. You become yet another victim of the poison.

It took me years to come to that realization and make my own peace with our own, similar tragedy. I can now think of my brother without the pain intruding on the moment, thankfully. I hope you can gain the same measure of peace in less time.

In any case, be comforted by the hope that time can indeed heal deep wounds - if you let it. I discovered that sitting alone and watching sunsets helped a lot.....”

“I will not tell you my sad story, but will say the blunt pain eases as time goes by. I will say a prayer for you and your family, to help ease the sorrow you feel.”

“Never to be put off again, or in a while
no more his laughter, or his warm smile
those won`t be his footsteps coming down the hall
no need to set a place for him at the table after all
gone forever now, the one that always loved to play
remember him in your heart, don`t let him fade away
cling to the ones you love, whatever you do
like before, he will always be a part of you
he came into your life and you got to watch him grow
little by little, you`ll have to learn to let him go
to each thing, there is a time and to each a season
maybe his passing will give your life a new reason”

“makes my problems seem so insignificant. also makes me see how important it is to pick good friends(thinking of my kids now). reminded me of something my mom sent me the other day:



IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.



hang in there hun...”

“I was unable to post on this thread when I read it yesterday, but I'll try now.

Grieving is a long, complicated and somewhat rigid process. Numbness comes first because, I think, it is a survival strategy. Anger is involved, as is sorrow and finally acceptance - but I think that scars remain pretty much forever. Counselling sometimes helps, if only to help us to understand the process.

I am sad for you; may God bless and keep you.

Doug”

“Lyra, it is okay to feel happy when you feel happy and feel grief when you feel grief. I hope that the sadness only occasionally or rarely grabs you, and that your memories of Drew are clear and bright.”