Pennsylvanians, take note...

“ALTOONA, PA—During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great state of Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit" and "a total hellhole."


Above: Gore greets diner patrons in Scranton, a city he called "the absolute worst place on Earth."
"Over the past few days, I have traveled all over your state and met many of you. And what has impressed me most is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has been the same: 'Oh, God, get me the #&%!$ out of this dump,'" said Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12 million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to everything that makes America great."

Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."

Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore continued: "During this presidential campaign, I have had the opportunity to criss-cross this great land. At each stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the courage and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap, you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I could possibly defend as your next president. I do not even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am sure I don't want to know."

Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johnstown Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the Sorghum Queen pageant. The vice-president was overheard making numerous inflammatory comments off-microphone, including, "Get these #&%!$es out of here" and, "This is someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant, attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No #&%!$ing way."

Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capitol in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag, shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the shreds. He then delivered a speech in which he shared the tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered during his travels through the state.


Above: The skyline of Pittsburgh, which Gore called "maybe even worse than Scranton."
"Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New Castle," Gore said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long after, she gave birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined, 'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,' I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat. I mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked up like that?"

Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Shippensburg, who fought bravely in the Second World War and raised a family in a house he built himself. When the Social Security Administration failed Herman—because, I don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't get them—he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man that no one could stand to be around. What a loser."

"And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaughnessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence Hall's caretaker for the past 60 years—the longest anyone has held the auspicious post," Gore said. "And, between you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."

Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheesesteak sandwiches? They taste like #&%!$. I wouldn't feed them to the dogs they're probably made out of."

Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Monongahela Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on the steps of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the verbal assault.

"Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is sheer agony," he said. "A second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous non-people. I would have left Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every last one of you grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You exist outside of the human community, and when I am in the White House, I will make sure that the whole nation—indeed, the world—understands that fact with no ambiguity. I will not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horrible graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and good riddance."”

“Hereo???? Sheesh...”

“LMAO!”

“Why him I oughta...!”

“I didn't know Gore visited this area since the last election, but Scranton does suck in a lot of ways. The population has been steadily declining, the city has been under distressed status for 10 years, widespread corruption and crushing taxes on a mostly low income and elderly population. Business that does come here does so because they know people will work for peanuts. On the plus side I've seen worse places and the surrounding area has some nice spots. The outdoor life is good at least for now, but that's changing fast too and is declining.”

“where did you get this information?
Since i currently reside in PA., i have not heard of such a thing..and yes i must agree that there are some parts of PA. that have had some declining revenue, but due to industry pulling out of the state and having them made in another country that produces it cheaper...expecialy the steel factorys. But from where i sit business are booming and so is the realistate..
ps.. not that my opinion counts here..”

“My sister moved to “Pennsyltucky” (as she calls it) several years ago. She agrees with everything President-elect Gore said about the state.”

“President George "Dubya" Bush issued a statement this mornig with regards to VP Gores visit to Pennsylvania. In a brief response the President asked:

"Pennsylvania? Didn't Dracula live there?"”

“My ex-wife was born in PA. heheheh.”

“He probably thought he was in Florida.”

“FWIW, I live in Pennsylvania and I think it is a beautiful state. :-)

And richb and mouse, you took FG's post far too seriously!”

“Shhhh, Fritz, don't blow my cover, man...sheesh!”

“you are totally correct... im sorry...pleeeeeese forgive me...”

“Uh, Fritz. I hate to point this out, bud, but you take mouse too seriously... ;-)”

“you are totally correct... im sorry...pleeeeeese forgive me...”

“LOL!!!”

“you are totally correct... im sorry...pleeeeeese forgive me...”

“Anytime now, "Catholic Priest" will show up...”

“I sure hope so. I'm not even sure what I'm apologizing for.”

“Ah hay-uve SEE-yunnned!!!”

“You mean to say the Al Goof did't pi$$ off Pennsylvania's electoral votes???

I was trying to imagine as I read it the tone of Gore's voice. It cracked me up. SNL kinda stuff.”

“Man charged with assault on sheep

Somebody was making nighttime visits to farmer Terry Patterson's sheep barn in the 600 block of Big Mount Road in Paradise Township, police said.

Patterson told police he saw the evidence of several sexual assaults on his sheep, but never the intruder.

So he installed an alarm and intercom system.

It sounded about 3 a.m. Tuesday. Patterson went to the barn while his wife, Cindy, called 911.

Patterson told Northern York County Regional Police he peered in the barn window and saw a man assaulting a sheep, according to an arrest affidavit filed in District Justice Gerald Shoemaker's office.

Bruce Charles Englar, 53, of the 4600 block of Bentz Road in North Codorus Township, is charged with felony burglary for entering a building with the intention of committing a crime, namely, having sexual intercourse with a sheep.
[...]
Englar allegedly told police he was just petting the sheep. Northern Regional Lt. Mark Bentzel said it was not a reasonable explanation for being inside somebody's barn at 3 in the morning.
[...]
last edited: 3/10/05 4:21:19 PM”

“D'they call me McEwen the wall builder?
D'they call me McEwen the bridge builder?
D'they call me McEwen the house builder?
But ya screw just one sheep!”