JACKASS - the movie

“what the hell is a "gooch"? you kids and your slang, i'll tell ya what...

sorry about the whole ruining-your-life thing, BB! :-)”

“Muss be one o' dem newfangled Noo Yawk type slang terms. It ain't on de list yet.”

“'chapel hat pegs'?

wow.”

“thanks. who the heck are you? :-)”

“Im amy wynn WOHOO!”

“Well, I'm not Ty Pennington!

HAAAAA-ha”

“oh god, the DECORATORS are staging a counterstrike!”

“You'd have to see Jackass: The Movie to understand. It's a little inside joke for us privelidged folks who have seen it. :-P”

“well that's just fine, Artex, but don't expect me to tell you what color high-tops Frank wears next. that's all i'm saying!”

“
How to show 'Jackass' fans a good time

Sunday, November 10, 2002

At the risk of sounding overly progressive, let me point out that the popularity of "Jackass: The Movie" proves the need to reinstitute the military draft so we can put these 20-year-old boogers back in the Army, where they belong.

"Jackass" amounts to a series of harebrained, juvenile, disgusting and, yes, sometimes ouchy stunts performed by a team of young men. One scene shows a guy decked out in mouse ears, with mouse whiskers painted on his face, crawling across a floor covered with cocked mousetraps. He is wearing nothing but bike shorts and white gym socks. Snap snap snap. He gets bitten repeatedly by the mousetraps. And he seems to enjoy it.

How does this differ from the Army basic training drill that required running into a tent full of tear gas with no gas mask on and choking until your nostrils turned inside out?

In another "Jackass" scene, a guy suited up in a jock strap and not much else hangs upside-down from a rope over an alligator pond with a piece of raw chicken dangling out of the back end of his jock. An adult alligator reaches up and snaps his jaws around the chicken.

Sounds like Army jungle training to me.

In a teaser for the movie, what they refer to these days as a "little person" leaps up and kicks himself in the forehead. If there were a draft, a drill sergeant could perform this service for him.

Then there's the scene where the baby alligator bites the guy on his chest and won't let go. "He's got my nipple, dude," he complains.

Seven words come to mind: I want to be an airborne Ranger.

There is a time in a young man's life when he needs to, well, mix it up. Back in the old days, the urge to holler "Hey, watch this," then leap headfirst off a tower into a kiddie pool, was filled by the military draft.

Guys, if you wanted pain and humiliation, the Army had a program just for you. It was called the draft, and it led directly to basic training. It took care of guys who, at that stage in their lives, wanted to engage in bar fights or water-ski with the rope around their necks. As soon as the Army got its hands on them with the draft, these guys found themselves performing similarly hairy and fulfilling stunts in training exercises.

They could pull the pin on a live grenade and toss it, just seconds before it went off. They could crawl through mud under live machine gun fire. They could get screamed at by a drill sergeant who said things like, "I ain't your mama, boy" while he made you do pushups from can to can't.

Nowadays, there is no draft, so young men have to create their own ways to handle their hormone storms. Which explains why "Jackass" is the fourth top-grossing movie in the U.S. Guess who's going to see it? It ain't nobody who knows how to play the viola, pal. It's young guys. It's young American males who wouldn't have to go to the movies to scratch this itch if they had a Marine gunnery sergeant scratching it for them.

So here's my suggestion. Empty the theaters filled with young male patrons watching "Jackass" and ship them to Fort Hood for their shots. Then put 'em in camo and let them have at it.

John Kelso”

“Some kid rubbed lighter fluid on his tee shirt, and had his friends tape him as he ran burning. Unfortunately they didn't put out the flames in time. He had burns to 80% of his body.

He tried to conceal his stupid act by saying he was in an accident...but the cops found a daypack with lighter fluid, a video camera and a burnt t shirt in it.”

“I finally saw it, while I was in Denver. We went to it Thanksgiving night. And I, am thankful for that film. Damn! So stinkin' hilarious! That last one (witht he X-ray) is so freakin' funny. When the dr. tells him not to tell anyone about it, I almost puked from laughing (which would have been very Jackass). Excellent film my friends, excellent.

You know what would be a perfect date. Eat at Taco Bell, go see Jackass, and then go hang out in Barnes and Noble reading books you do not intend to purchase. That is my ideal evening.”

“No boilermakers?”

“Well, Bit, maybe you could throw in a shot of Bicardi 151 right before the film and a shot of something else equally horrifying before heading to Barnes and Noble. LOL! Always nice to get lit up before heading to the bookstore.”

“It makes the other store patrons funnier, doesn't it?”

“It could add an interesting twist to a twisted date anyway. LOL!”

“The other killer part is the golf carter stuff. That looked hilarious.”

“I'll have to rent it when it comes out and watch it sometime when my wife isn't home. Heck I dunno though, idiots trying to kill themselves, she might be up for it...lol...”

“It's obviously for immature people Bit. I'm not going to lie. It was disturbing, but very funny.”

“I have my immature moments, lol...”

“Glad you finally got to saw it, Newgirl! I agree, AWESOME flick. I died laughing. There's no point in watching this movie while drinking a soda, you'll only snarf it out your nose.

I loved the part with the air horns at the golf course. Tooooooo funny!”

“I haven't seen it but this thread makes me want to light myself on fire and jump from a moving vehicle into a pile of excrement.”

“LOL @ Violin!”

“Artex, I loved that part too. It was really funny when the guy started threatening to kick his arse!”

“what are you guys doing talking about this movie on the Trading Spaces thread??”

“Perhaps the movie convinced newgirl that Johnny Knoxville is a better catch than Ty? Hmmmmm?”

“Okay, Artex has touched on a legitimate issue here. I actually have considered this. Johnny Knoxville is pretty hot. He is also funny, I'd even go as far as to say that he is funnier than Ty. Ty is silly boy funny, Johnny is kick my a$$ w/ humur funny. When it comes right down to it though, Johnny seems somehow less . . . . what's the word . . . stable. So my true love is Ty, but if we broke up I would probably date Johnny on the rebound. LOL!”

“Ah ha, I knew it! :-)”

“so the truth is out! hey, i finally saw Changing Rooms. those British decorators kick the Americans' asses! for real.”

“I admit, Ty (chevy chase) from Caddyshack was pretty funny.”

“Lyra, they totally do don't they. There's this one episode where the guy designer who wears leather pants does this awful room. The woman who owns the house sees it at the end and she starts yelling (imagine a Brit accent hear), "This is cooomplete crap!" It's hilarious.”

“well, i've only seen it once or twice...maybe i caught some exceptionally good British episodes. the rooms actually looked like you wouldn't immediately lose your lunch upon entering them!”

“Lyra, I didn't mean to say that the Brits are bad decorators. I agree, they do alot of really cool rooms compared to Trading Spaces. I was just giving an example of how the Changing Rooms episodes are also funnier. The bad rooms are much more extreme! LOL!”

“oh, i getcha! AND, that reminds me!! i did see a bad one, a combo American/British version, and Paige was the host. it was beyond funny...the woman whose room they decorated was a total b-tch! she kept saying, "hmm...interesting. no, no, i do like it. that color is reminiscent of...shall we say, baby vomit? no, but seriously, it will just take some getting used to." LMAO! Paige looked like she couldn't believe what the woman was saying...”

“Oh man. His org. is honorable and I support what he's doing, but let's be reasonable. I doubt very much the Johnny Knoxville and the crew were out to steal his name.”

“It's a PR stunt. I should know.”

“LOL!”

“The movie is being released on DVD tomorrow!!! :-)”

“happy happy joy hoy.

yes I plan on renting this one.

(should I not have said that out aloud?)”

“Rent it? RENT IT? Good God women, it's so good that you must BUY it!!! :-)”

“I've never bought a movie before, this may be the first!”

“I think the DVD is supposed to have a couple hours of extra footage!! Sweet!!!”

“Oh geez...”

“Yes, this movie is a keeper. Something to show our grand kids just how sophisticated we were back in the day. LOL”

“a couple, try 5 extra hours. I know what I'm doing tomorrow!”

“Things pretty slow in Florida, eh Artex?


btw - I'll be buying a copy too.”

“Would you like to see my gooch?”

“LOL @ Pennsy! Dude, nice and slow, the way I like it.

I just bought it. I'm trying to resist watching it until tonight when a friend gets off work. He's dying to see it.”

“Damn. I'm never gonna get to see this. When a new movie comes out at the Blockbuster near me, it takes weeks before you can get it unless you sleep there overnight.”