Dirty joke

“lol”

“SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST.

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is REALLY REALLY important.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,
The Blonde”

“A man is going to come to the door asking to see my boobs? Boy, is he in for a disappointment!”

“That's why I keep a gun by the door.






j/k! lol....”

“That's right!

I just BOOBY trap the front porch.”

“Ow! That hurt.”

“Damn he got me last week and posted it on the web! What should I do now?”

“Send pics!”

“Post'em on webshots.”

“HAHAHAhahahah!”

“Give us the web address.”

“http://home.comcast.net/~welder1956/att00003.htm" target="_blank"> coming and going ”

“anyone got a cigarette?”

“Pedxing, my finger got tired....”

“pretty good.”

“An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living
room with the father
and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for
the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2
retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you
suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You #&%!$ her
again."”

“That's funny!”

“Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night. And even though they were too old to make love, they would sneak off to a quiet corner where she would hold his #&%!$ in her hand as they sat together.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said,

"Parkinson's."”

“HA!”

“LMAO”

“Wow, that was bad.”

“A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."”

“Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss,can I sqeeze past you?"

"Why dont you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shlt instead."”

“A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."”

“Who does this remind us of?…
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed young man thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"”

“a bloke needed a little but only had a fiver..."well the only one we have in that price range is Sandpaper Sally" said the madam..."go up and knock on the first door on the right".

The bloke goes upstairs expecting the worst, and knocks on the door, which is answered by a BEAUTIFUL Blonde, with a GREAT body....as you can imagine they waste little time getting down to business, but the bloke has to back off and exclaims, "Yeeow! you are ROUGH inside, now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally! Isn't there anything you can do about that?"

"Sure" says Sally, and she goes into the bathroom...a few minutes later she returns, they start again, and it is SO much better...Later, as the bloke smokes his cigarette, he asks: "What did you do to make it so much better?" "Oh nothing" Sally replied, "Just picked the scabs and let the puss run....."”

“yuk”

“A farmer is going door to door selling peaches. He knocks on a door and beautiful young women answers the door wearing nothing but a thin silk robe. The farmer says howdy miss, would you like to buy some peaches. Well I don't know the lady replied. Are they as firm as these? (rubbing her breast). Oh yes! replied the farmer. Well are they as fuzzy as this? (showing her P@$$%)Oh yes! replied the farmer and he immediately started crying. Why are you crying asked the lady. Because! replied the farmer. The locust ate my corn, the weevils got my cotton, and now you are about to F***K me out of my peaches.”

“In Maine there are some unussually large women. If you go to the local shopping center, you'll soon understand why there are benches all over at the malls. I have seen a good many men with a beer gut, but let me tell you, when you see a Maine woman who has decided to go for it, no man can get as large as the women can get. I have seen some that are in excess of 400 lbs. (No, I didn't weigh them, but some of these had to be pushing 5-600 lbs.) I am dead serious, these ladies were huge.

Anyways, on to the joke. I am looking at some of these ladies and a buddy pipes up: That's a Maine Man's dream women. She'll provide heat in the winter and shade in the summer.”

“twiggy's gonna get you!

lol”

“She's already heard it....”

“that sandpaper sally one was so nasty”

“These two Frenchmen walk into a bar in Tunisia, where the first thing they notice is that the bartender is a camel. So they walk up to the bar, and the first Frenchman orders a Bloody Mary. The second Frenchman thinks for a minute and orders the same thing.
The camel turns around, mixes the drinks, turns back and sets them on the bar. The first Frenchman picks up his drink, takes a sip, and proclaims "Zees ees zee Best Bloodee Mharry ah have avar had"
The second Frenchman bangs his fist down on the bar and shouts "Hoot, Laddie, who bean a'tellin ya ahm French?'”

“i don't get it”

“try reading it with one eye closed”

“I did, I even tried reading it with both eyes closed. Same thing. I don't get it.”

“whew. i'm glad i'm not the only one.

i was feeling left out/dumb/confused”

“Maybe you have to be French to get it.”

“I don't think either guy in that joke is french,


but I don't get it either.”

“Subject: Horse for sale


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the
once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he
picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's
twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit?"”

“lol...”

“The guy sounds like Elmer Fudd.”

“Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A pig rolled in the mud...

Wanna hear a clean joke?
It took a bath...”

“Was the pig naked?”

“only a guy would ask that...”

“Yeah, and we're proud of it!!!!”

“A policeman spots a very drunk man in the parking lot outside of a bar, very confused, swaying, and holding his keys in his hand.

Officer: Is there a problem?
Drunk: Someone stole my car!
Officer: Where was it?
Drunk: At the end of my keys!

The officer looks at the drunk more closely.

Officer: Sir, why is your dick sticking out of your pants?
Drunk: Holy crap! They got my girl to!”

“LMFAO”

“i like that one. ill have to remember it”

“A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered
their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they
had put out into the yard scoots back into the house as they leave.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get

the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will
be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says as they drive away. "Stupid #&%!$ was hiding under the bed. Had
to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cabdriver hit a parked car...”