Kinder, Gentler ULTRAPacker

“I have turned a new leaf. I am now the nicest guy you could ever meet.

You may insult me if you'd like. I won't retaliate.

I pledge to always turn the other cheek.
I pledge to make at least one person per day feel happy about themselves.
I pledge and end to newgirl-chasing.
I pledge my allegiance to Trail Talk.”

“Hello ULTRAPacker.”

“Hello, Miss. I see you have jumped into the fray here. I welcome you. You are seemingly a brave and intelligent person from your posts. Please feel at home here.”

“What's he up to?”

“Steve Hiker, I forgive you.

Be at peace with yourself and with people of other races.”

“Thank you very much Ultra. You seem very nice.”

“WARNING!!!! It is a trick of the Dark Lord...I see you ultrapacker, for what you are...a suckubus...waiting to pouce on us from behind, and rip our heads off and suck our souls from our dying corpses, only to leave the empty shell to lie and decompose in the underbrush...

Be not fooled by the smiling face...The Dark Lord is cunning, and Ultrapacker is one of his closes allies and supporters...you have been warned and I will fight you, you evil demon from heII.”

“Stick man don't you have medicine you should be taking?”

“you are being watched.”

“Stikmon may be right...

ULTRA has many faces, as does the beast.”

“I'm waiting for the somas someone slipped in ULTRA's drink to wear off.”

“It wasn't me.”

“All come on Packer. I liked you better when you were an @sshole.”

“miss limpy=ultrapacker?”

“What have they done to our PACKER?”

“...frontal lobotomy...








I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy...”

“People are just never satisfied, now are they?”

“yeah sure, ULTRAdik

now that you pushed scared & made newgirl want to never come back to this site”

“Is this like the new Nixon?”

“build him a pine box he's finished

no one ever recovers”

“"A dream, only a dream...

Newgirl was the most fascinating girl I've ever known.
Since I met her, I could no longer eat styrofoam.
Usually girls would crowd around me when I go to the store
But I told them I was too busy for them, rearranging my sock drawer.
Because after all I'm such a manly macho stud
And I make the other guys look like a giant glob of mud.
Anyway I saw Newgirl at the dance benefit for the "Save the hedgehogs" Foundation.
I was thinking, "Thank goodness I left my date behind at the train station".
I spotted her from across the room
She was making towers out of cheese blocks in gloom.
She said she felt uncomfortable with everyone staring at her.
I said, "That's what you get for wearing nothing but a glow-in-the-dark
clown nose and swim flippers and green and purple polka dots all over your body; it might create a stir."
I asked her where she was from and she said, "Earth."
She said this in a way that had a touch of mirth.
"Did you know I used to be a pogo dancer?", she inquired.
"Don't you mean'go-go' dancer?" "Oh, so that's why I was fired!"
She said she wanted to be a nun
But they were'nt allowed to race around a crowded antique store on tricycles while singing the Hungarian National Anthem backwards and having a fight with a cherry Hi-C filled squirt gun.
I'll never forget our first date.
It was really great.
She drove me in her car which was colored like a yellow flower.
She was driving it backwards in the wrong lane on a rainy night without our lights on and going 143 miles an hour.
We went to see a movie about giant psycho teddy bears that killed
orthodontists with fingernail clippers and my, how the blood splattered.
I didn't even mind when Newgirl burped through the whole film and laughed in a shriek so loud that all glass objects within a 19 mile radius shattered.
But the rest of the audience did, so they threw her out.
But I didn't want to leave with her yet, because I was trying to catch the neato car chase scene I heard about.
After the film, we stopped to visit a blood bank and she asked for a souvenir.
Then after that, she ran over a cute baby deer.
She ran over it three times, as I recalled later.
Then she said, "Wait, I already have something in the refrigerator!"
After the date we stopped in her apartment, room 5A.
Of course, it would have been nice if she'd parked the car outside first, but what the hey.
I can't quite come up with good words to describe her place yet.
But she showed me the cute way she dressed her pet.
I told her it must be hard to put jeans and a tie-dyed T-shirt on a housefly.
She said all she had to do was give it a good try.
She said she was half Dutch, half German, half Japanese, half Italian, and half Irish.
And half Bulgarian, half Russian, half Spanish, half Mongolian, and half Swedish.
Her skin was smooth and her hair was long.
When you honked her nose, it went "ding dong".
She had a good personality and her looks were awesome.
I loved it when she made me brush her teeth and floss 'em.
She would say, "Let's make love on the cot."
And I'd say, "But that's what we're doing now!" and she's say, "Oh yeah, I forgot!"
Her voice was so placid,
I loved the cute way she made a funny face when she said words like "nitroglyceric acid".
She'd hang around graveyards to get ingredients for stews
and enter circular saw blindfold frisbee competitions to try to win artificial tattoos.
I loved her from her hands to her feet. From her elbows to her knees. From her cerebral aqueduct to her Achilles tendon.
Even when she juggled lawn mowers for some guy named Brendan.
She left me and I miss her.
Now I hope an electrified cactus will walk up and French kiss her.
If you see her today, teaching ballet to ducks,
Tell her that she still owes me 20 bucks.
Tell her that I'm doing well,
And for all I care she can go to a really hot place where people wear red suits and it's really hard to ice skate."
ULTRAPacker
11:04:19 PM
10/14/02”