Need a morning laugh? Try these...

“My company had it's holiday party last night. Maple and I had a great time. However, she was smart enough to take today off and I am at work (a bit hazy around the periphery). I could use a few laughs. Hope you do too. Here goes...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from mankeys and apes, then why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick or treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsely farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One thing nice about egotists; they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men; they think they are listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it!

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?”

“LOL! Those are good! :-)”

“1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an #&%!$.

2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

3. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

7. Hang up and drive.

8. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

9. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

10. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

11. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

12. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

13. Welcome to America...Now speak English.”

“"His Animal Friends"? LOLOL!!”

“Good asdditions, SG! Thanx ofr the input”

“A few more (Steven Wright this time)

I had a humiidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time”

“><< Taken from classified ads in newspapers:
> >
> > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> > 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
> > --------------------------------------
> > FREE PUPPIES:
> > 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
> > --------------------------------------
> > FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
> > --------------------------------------
> > GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 Lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
> > --------------------------------------
> > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
> > BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
> > --------------------------------------
> > 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/Offer
> > --------------------------------------
> > SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
> > --------------------------------------
> > TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
> > COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
> > EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
> > --------------------------------------
> > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
> > --------------------------------------
> > NORDIC TRACK, $300, HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
> > --------------------------------------
> > BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING, "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
> > --------------------------------------
> > HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE
>IT!"
> > --------------------------------------
> > HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
> > --------------------------------------
> > GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 Cents Lb.
> > ------------------------------------
> > NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
> > --------------------------------------
> > TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
> > WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
> > STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
> > --------------------------------------
> > EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
> > QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
> > --------------------------------------
> > OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN
>LEATHER.
> > --------------------------------------
> > JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
> > --------------------------------------
> > OPEN HOUSE
> > BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
> > FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
> > --------------------------------------
> > FOR SALE BY OWNER
> > Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
> > condition.
> > $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
> > Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
> >”

“Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii?

If the black box they find in a plane crash is so indestructible, why don't they make the whole damn plane out of it?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why are there locks on the door?”

“I'm sure you remember Colonel 'King' Kong from Dr. Strangelove. Here is the famous Survival Kit Monologue as recited by Slim Pickins (G-d rest his soul)...


"Survival Kit Contents check:

In them you will find:

One .45 caliber automatic,
Two boxes of ammunition,
Four days concentrated emergency rations,
One drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills,
One miniature combination Rooshan phrase book and Bible,
One hundred dollars in rubles,
One hundred dollars in gold,
Nine packs of chewing gum,
One issue of prophylactics,
Three lipsticks,
Three pair of nylon stockings

Shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff... "”

“One of my favs, Tilt! Great scene in a great movie”

“Classic, Tilt!”

“We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

Keep smilin' through
Just like you always do,
'Til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away.

So will you please say hello
To the folks that I know,
Tell them I won't be long.

They'll be happy to know
As you saw me go
I was singing this song

We'll meet again don't know where,
Don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day....”

“<VBG>”