lord of the bacon rings

“oh my, there is so much that i must not type...”

“That booty will sure enough be shakin after I email Free tonight and explain the 'Story of the Bacon Ring' to her. Her screams of horror should be audible on the East Coast.

I don't dare email it from work.

Sorry CMB, it's got to be done.”

“LMAO You wouldnt...i know you wont! :P”

“Well Free, you are from S. CA.
You just might like it.
Just be sure and eat before reading the email. Dry heaves hurt.
tarbubble - Sounds like someone clued you in on the real story.”

“no. but Free mentioned shaking her booty, and well, booty is a word that implies many things, and... i've kicked the Free/CMB horse an awful lot. i was just restraining myself.”

“tar - Send me your email and I'll give a sanitized version of the Story. ;)”

“i'd rather have the sanitized version!! :O”

“Trust me, when you meet Crazy Mike, you'll get the Director's Cut...”

“tar bubble at yahoo dot com

i'll be kind of afraid to open it, anyway.”

“The SPECIAL Cut only available from some of CMB's pirate web downloading sites.
(shudder!)”

“have you heard the entire tale, as told by Crazy Mike? It is a woeful tale, full up of horror and mirth. A Tale not for the faint of heart, but one that will fill you up in the end. A tale that brings tears and sounds of ectasy. It is a bemoaning tale of tradegy woven with ins and outs.”

“No, but I've gotten the Cliff Notes version. Like Wuthering Heights, that's all I can bear to hear...”

“Read the first goof...I guess that was a pretty dirty movie for 1939!

Wuthering Heights goofs”

“Goofs for
Wuthering Heights (1939)

....Continuity: Cathy's muff disappears when she turns around after entering the room....”

“Does that mean that her ass was showing then? lol...”

“We should be hearing screams from the West Coast anytime now.... ;)”

“JOKE OVERLOAD!!!!”

“ah yes. the bacon ring is exactly what i suspected it was, with a nice little story behind it. what a sweet anecdote.”

“sweet? I wouldn't know, but I'd guess otherwise.”

“see, that's the problem with the internet. the complete lack of tone and inflection.

it's a tender, fond remembrance of a lost love. the saga and the tragedy of... the bacon ring.”

“Oh, tarbubble, my sides hurt from laughing!
You slay me gurl!”

“Hmmm... So you're saying the bacon ring was tender AND sweet?


Hmmm.”

“ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG LMAO”

“All I got to say is....
...


...


...no actually i dont have anything to say about that. I am speechless and i think I will never sleep again.”

“HOLY SHI!


80”

“You crazy bastard!”

“Not Again...Bitpusher,You guys leave Wuthering Heights alone.It's the HOTTEST movie EVER..”

“BTW, where is the lord of the bacon rings?

Isn't he tired of taking a sabatical yet?”

“I think I read on another thread that Spirit Coyote ate him.”

“We are aiming for many more bag nights next year!

If you wish to speak with mike first you must take a number. When your number is up, I will give you several forms to fill out- one being a questionaire. It will tehn take 4-6 weeks for me to approve or dissaprove. If you are not approved you may pick a number and start an apeal of my rulling. If you are approved I will notify you by mail in 4-6 weeks. Then you must make an appointmet. Be forwarned Mike is booked untill the end of april and slots are filling up fast.”

“Damn it's be easier to get to see da Pope!”

“The rules are the rules. Now go stand in line for your number..theres a 45 minute wait.”

“If I have a bottle of scotch, can I get in quicker?”

“She's keeping him in a hole in the basement of their house!”

“That is why he is going to need some scotch”

“WK, your ok, youve been approved a long time ago. When do you wish to see him? I think I can move around some dates to fit you in somewhere.”

“SS...how many times must I say it? We do not HAVE a basement. I have, however a hole I made him dig in the garage where I put him if he's being naughty.”

“It's a trick, WK!!!!
Don't go near their house or she'll put YOU in the hole!!!!”

“but mike wants a hole buddy :) come on over WK. Your first night in tehre I will even let you have a blanket.”

“Man there's one I'm glad WK won and I didn't. Mike's hole buddy.

Way to take one for the team WK!”

“Oh crap! What just happened?”

“I feel like bacon for lunch. BLT anyone?”

“I'm in the mood for tuna or tacos.”

“The Lord of the Bacon Ring's prayers are answered!”

“Um. Think I'll wait 'til I get home before I click on that link...”

“Should be work safe bit.”

“
"Aye," said Legolam, "the river is under a spell, for it is named after the fair elf-maid Nesselrode who had the hots for Menthol, God of After-Dinner Drinks. But the evil Oxydol, Goddess of Quick Tricks and Small Slams, appeared to her in the shape of a five-iron and told her that Menthol was twotiming with the Princess Phisohex, daughter of King Sano. At this Nesselrode became wroth and swore a great oath to kick Phisohex in the gut and get her mother, Cinerama, Goddess of Short-Term Loans, to turn Menthol into an erector set. But Menthol got wind of the plot and came to Nesselrode in the guise of a refrigerator, turned her into a river, and went west to sell encyclopedias. Even now, in the spring, the river softly cries, 'Menthol, Menthol, you are one wazoo. One day I'm the elf next door and then, poof, I'm a river. You stink.' And the wind answers, 'Phooey.'


Bored of the Rings
Doug Kenney
Henry Beard
and The Harvard Lampoon

”

“What of Dildo Buggers?”

“Funny you should ask.....


"Well, I guess it's goodbye," said Dildo, taking Frito aside as they left the caucus room. "Or should I say 'until we meet again'? No, I think goodbye sums it up quite nicely."

"Goodbye, Dildo," Frito said, stifling a sob. "I wish you were coming with us."

"Ah, yes. But I'm too old for that sort of thing now," said the old boggie, feigning a state of total paraplegia. "Anyway, I have a few small gifts for you," and he produced a lumpy parcel, which Frito opened somewhat unenthusiastically in view of Dildo's previous going-away present. But the package contained only a short, Revereware sword, a bulletproof vest full of moth holes, and several well-thumbed novellas with titles like Elf Lust and Goblin Girl.

"Farewell, Frito," said Dildo, managing a very convincing epileptic fit. "It's in your hands now, gasp, rattle, o lie me under the greenwood tree, ooooo. Ooog."

"Farewell, Dildo," said Frito, and with a last wave went out to join the company. As soon as he had disappeared, Dildo sprang lightly to his feet, and skipped into the hall humming a little song:


I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and think of dirty things
Of deviant dwarfs who suck their toes
and elves who drub their dings.

I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and dream exotic dreams
Of dragons who dress in rubber clothes
and trolls who do it in teams.

I sit on the floor and pick my nose
and wish for a thrill or two
For a goblin who goes in for a few no-nos
Or an orc with a thing about glue.

And all of the while I sit and pick
I think of such jolly things
Of whips and screws and leather slacks
Of frottages and stings.




again,

Bored of the Rings
Doug Kenney
Henry Beard
and The Harvard Lampoon

”

“Bacon Rings with Avocado

ACTIVE TIME: 25 MIN
TOTAL TIME: 1 HR 10 MIN
MAKES 16 RINGS
ingredients

* 16 thin slices of lean bacon (about 3/4 pound)
* 4 large carrots (1 1/2 inches in diameter)
* 2 tablespoons mayonnaise
* 2 teaspoons hot sauce
* Salt
* 1 small avocado, sliced 1/4 inch thick lengthwise, slices halved crosswise
* 1 cup alfalfa sprouts

directions

1. 1. Preheat the oven to 425°. Lay 4 slices of the bacon side by side on a work surface. Place a carrot at 1 end and roll up the carrot in the bacon slices. Transfer the carrot to a rimmed baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining bacon and carrots. Bake for about 45 minutes, or until the bacon is crisp. Let cool slightly, then carefully loosen each bacon ring and slide it off the carrot, keeping the ring intact. Stand the rings up and let cool.
2. In a small bowl, mix the mayonnaise with the hot sauce and season with salt. When a carrot is cool enough to handle, cut it into 3-inch-long matchsticks. Save the other carrots for another use.
3. To assemble a ring, gently press 3 carrot sticks together with 2 avocado slices. Spread a thin layer of the mayonnaise mixture all around them and then roll in alfalfa sprouts. Gently press this filling into a bacon ring, pushing it in only halfway or just far enough to hold together. Repeat to form the remaining bacon rings. Transfer to a platter and serve at room temperature.”