MorningJoke

“A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. He said,"You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued, looked at her four items
on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier'n #&%!$.”

“Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to

the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.”

“Yer crackin me up girlie!”

“What did one poet say to the other after the chicken crossed the road?

Man, that was poultry in motion.”

“Oh Lord,....maple's bored at work again.... :)”

“artex, as long as you keep your Pirate jokes at home :) LOL”

“"THE EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE"

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno..
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first
date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale

took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had
taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
overnight).
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home
late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when
she

gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra
latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in
the

middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which> she
did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
and let
her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his

car. They
stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her
pants and started peeing. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't
have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
herself. Her companion stood on the opposite side of the car
watching
for traffic
and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she
could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As
she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks
were firmly glued against the cars fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind
as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her

date's concerns about "what was taking so long", with a reply that
indeed, she
was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around

the car
as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she
looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the
giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
assessed her

dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem here. Both agreed it would take something hot to
free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking
about
what
had got her into this predicament in the first place, both quickly
realized
that there was only one way to get her free, so as she looked the
other
way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
butt

off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or
perhaps
that should be "pants down".
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
This presents a whole new definition of being "pissed off".”

“funny stuff, Maple baby! Aren't you glad the boss ain't there?”

“hehehe....your jokes are cracking me up!”

“What's a pirate's favorite musical instrument?

Haaaaaaarmonica.





Sorry Mapleleaf, I couldn't resist.”

“Not to detract from the hilarity of the frozen butt story, but it's urban legend:

http://www.snopes.com/love/dating/frozen.asp”

“yes true, butt its still a funny story....”

“no doubt, it's just that on another message board, people were thinking it was a true story.”

“mutt - kinda "anal" this morning. ;)”

“lol - yeah, why should I care what people think about the story. Sorry - I laughed the first time I read it.”

“yes and I have often wondered why the chicken wanted to cross the road in the first place...

never thought that he just wanted to get to the other side. so when you think about it, its pretty funny.

got it?”

“As far as Urban Legends go, it's pretty harmless. I like to debunk the "If you use a computer monitor too long, your eyeballs will drop out!" UL's though...”

“LMAO! This thred Rocks!”

“The tooth brush was invented in Tennessee..........if it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teeth brush”

“Jello Fog - you actually said something funny for once! :-)”

“what tha.............:>)”

“After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses (P = the problem logged by the pilot; S = the solution and action taken by engineers). Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.

> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.

> P: Dead Bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back order.

> P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
decent.
> S: Cannot produce problem on ground.

> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.

> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.

> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.

> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.

> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.”

“Ooops I posted that without the introduction that this was sent to me by my uncle on an email. MAybe it is making the rounds, probably fiction but still funny.”

“cute”

“A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide
open.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This
is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your
fly
is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier
had
told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to
check
out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her
counter
he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier
standing
in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I
didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags”

“A self-righteous minister was seated next to an attorney on a flight to Wichita Falls.



After the plane was airborne, the attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."



The attorney then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."”

“well it is funny don't ya know!!”

“Grandma's Packin'


An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then loaded her
shopping bags into
the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that
she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then
it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found
her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her
bags into her car and
then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore
himself in two with
laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men
were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman
described as white,
less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large
handgun. No charges were filed.

Brings new meaning to a senior moment!”

“Hey maple, the damn birds around here woke me up this morning, how about you?”

“These jokes.... Aren't funny.”

“hhmmm, but of course not phaedrus!

what else is new for you...”

“You want a funny joke? I'll give you a funny joke:

Knock knock.”

“Who's there?”

“so if you didnt find it funny, why bother to post it?”

“I tried to play along.”

“In the hopes that next time, you might post a funny one!

Knock knock.”

“well it may not be funny to you, but maybe be funny to someone else. everyone has a different sense of humor, thats what makes the world more interesting. i don't go around and make comments about your 1500 posts do I.
sorry, wont open the door for you. im afraid what may be behind the door. LOL”

“You don't understand, it wasn't malice that made me point out that the jokes you had posted were utterly devoid of humor, it was good will.

See, I'd hate to have you repeat one of them at a party somewhere and get that uncomfortable silence that is generally reserved for andy kaufman types.

Knock knock.”

“but if you get them drunk they may then find it funny!”

“i'll open the door only if your nice to me. can I trust you??”

“I find bacpac funny if I'm drunk enough...


KNOCK KNOCK”

“I love that "Andy Kaufman" silence. Or at least I'm used to it.”

“can i trust you?”

“nope

go bang on treebeards door

LOL”

“Hey, how'd I get into this?”

“Y'all have different doors at your place?”

“One goes in and the other out”

“There's a sex joke in there somewhere...”

“lol, Bit. Ok, let's see if we can make, i mean, find one...”