Afternoon Joke

“If a man is from Texas, he'll tell you. If he is not, why embarass him by asking.”

“Do you know what the best thing about the Texas death penalty is?




Fewer Texans.”

“LOL @ must hike!”

“There are four men on a plane, a Frenchman, an Englishman,a Texan and a Mexican. The pilot of the plane, after having engine trouble, announces that they have to lighten the load or risk not landing properly. They man their parachutes, knowing the inevitable, and proceed to jump. The Englishman says, Long live the Queen, and jumps out. The Frenchman says, Viva La France, and jumps out. Then the Texan steps up and says, proudly Remember The Alamo, and pushes the Mexican out.”

“Ditto Tree!!!!!!!!!”

“Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges foreward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The train er is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies as hard as I could."

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"”

“A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her.

"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."”

“LMFAO @ the both of you!!!”

“One day as Bill Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorbacks. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''”

“Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Lyndon Johnson with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton looked on in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"”

“A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a couple of stops and started to get really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I will go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."”

“Three Old ladies were sitting on the front porch smoking their cigarettes and it started to rain. Two ladies went under the roof to stay dry and one kept smoking her cigarette.
One lady asked her "how come the cig. is not wet from the rain".
The old lady held it up and the cigarette was encased in a condom with the end pinched off to light.

Well that lady though it was a great idea so the next time she was at her freindly pharmacy, she asked the clerk for some condoms.

He looked at her with a grin, noting that she was about 80, and asked her "What size?"

She replied "it don't matter as long as it fits a camel"”