Depression

“friend of friends

yes MarkO, it is vague

They found him 9 months ago, flatlined, brought him back, fought for his life. For 9 months he fought various infections and almost died several times. Lost ability to speak. He died last week of lung failure, a consequence of all this. No autopsy was done at the time of the incident because they brought him back, and i can only speculate the fight for his life was superceeding their need to determine if it was an overdose or bad batch of illegal pills.

Tragic story.”

“Good Lord HPD thats terrible. I spent a significant time Friday night on the phone with a friend who is really deep in depression. By Saturday morning I had let myself get dragged into the swirling hurricane that is depression. I was about to bottom out.

THEN...miracle of miracles (granted this next part should be Bragging on Kids) my son put on a PS3 and we started shooting our way through the games. In no time he had found a way to get my mind out of that endless circle of negativity.

God stepping in when I couldn t”

“Sounds to me rather like your son stepped in when his daddy couldnt help himeself, huh?”

“the hypocritical scathing continues”

“Euro he was there to help, but the kicker is I had to WANT to break out of the pain.”

“The kicker is that you must have done something right as a father, to have a son who was there to help. Absolutly No hypcritical scathing intended.”

“I never took it as such. Yeah he has grown up so much since a couple years ago. He actually told his Christian Cell Group that he credits a lot to the discipline I tried to instill in him.”

“you forgot ... (LOL)”

“

feeling unwanted and worthless?...”

“Euro, been there...hell keep ending up there occasionally. Then I take positive steps to crawl out of my self imposed "exile" from people who really value me.

I know how tough it can be. One of my very close friends just keeps refusing to even try to look for the positive. As a result I had to decide that until they want to turn around...there is nothing I can do. Its tough, but the first rule of rescue (be in swimming or anything) is that you must take care of yourself first.

I lived with a real and pretty much professional victim for years. Sadly this person had learned that when they were "sick" they got attention.

Trust me you are not unwanted and you are definitely not WORTHLESS.”

“noooo, I don't feel unwanted and wortless. Not at the moment. I promise.
It's just this picture of the poor doggy. I saw it a couple of days ago, and I kept returning to that picture, staring at his eyes. I don't know, in a way it sums it up for me, in many ways, you know? Maybe I can't really express it, but this picture says more than many words?”

“It says, aww man, this isn't the gourmet canned food I usually get. Why do you hate me?”

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean: "Its tough, but the first rule of rescue (be in swimming or anything) is that you must take care of yourself first. "??
What about the old firefighter codex: "You go, I go"?”

“You are not supposed to create another casualty, and you will be useless to help somebody in the rescue if you are that casualty.”

“It reminds me of this thread. People who are still in danger are the ones providing the life-lines, and those are the life-lines the ones in danger are grabbing.”

“Euro...um thats a great line, and Backdraft was a nice movie. Sadly there is a huge difference between trying rescue a person who wants to be rescued and getting injured or killed trying to help a suicide.

Personally the toughest lesson to teach young medics and firefighters is that they must take care of themselves first.”

“If you've ever taken any kind of wilderness first aid course, you would learn that too. Not just in firefighting.”

“id have to agree that we are the toughest to save. but i have to say that iv never ever hurt any police or parmedics who came to me. i just cant be like that. iv argued with them but thats as far as iv gone. i wont take anyone with me. thats just not right.”

“And yet everytime they go out on a call you make them take a chance of some idiot pulling out infront of them or them being hurt on a call.”

“i didnt call them. and i will be certain not to put myself in a place that they are ever called again.”

“Wow, slow down:
Firstly - please, I was just kidding. I knew you knew that line. And you know I know.

Secondly - The moment we go out of the house, or drive our car, we put our life in grave danger. If you have an accident, then emergency personel will put their life at risk by resonding to the call, to save your life. Whenever we put out life into a situation where we might need rescue: hikers, cyclist, sailors, housewifes, the pregnant, old, sick and diseased ...pretty much about everybody of us at any time, might be responsible for a rescue worker putting their life at risk.

Thirdly - most of those who are suicidal, want to take their OWN life, and are not a Major Nidal Hasan or other amok shooter.”

“Euro...just checking...but I don t think Hasan shot any "amoks"....(LOL)

Euro you are right about putting your life everytime you go out. The problem is that for years I can remember if you turned on the lights and sirens people did the wierdest things.”

“I don't know what you mean with that last statement?”

“.....if you turned on the lights and sirens people did the wierdest things.

Freak Out!!”

“LOL..marko must know. Euro I have had people pull to the left then cross suddenly infront of us to go to the right. I have had them go straight through traffic lights (they had the red light) just watching the trucks coming on at them.

Then on the scene I have had people race by so close that we could feel the wind from their cars as they pass.”

“Anybody heard from Dizzy lately?”

“here i am. how are you doing grem?”

“prozac was my first SSRI. after 8 months without an orgasm, i finally figured out the connection.”

“I'm good, Dizzy. How ya been?”

“4 weeks cut free on sat. i've had ups an downs but this is good.”

“how about you?”

“OMG, 8 mo's no go bang! How does one live with such?!”

“it sucked ass naked. fortunately once you stop the drug it comes back after a while. but if you do SSRIs for an extended period you do risk losing it forever.”

“We haven't found medication that I can handle.”

“Side effects, or just doesn't work, Gremlin?”

“i have the same problem. might be because it's ptsd as well as depression. i am giving consideration to ECT.”

“cheezus have you people nothing to say at all?”

“Nobody wants to sarge you. I think ECT is junk medicine and that behavioral changes are the most effective. So I hope there's a group, therapist or non-judgmental loved one who reinforces the truth with you. Gaining control of your own life is the long-term solution, and if the meds aren't helping you need some help from people.”

“I've always had a philosphical opposition to ECT. I have to admit it does work for some people when nothing else does. It has saved lives. I've seen it happen with depression. I've never seen it help PTSD.

ECT can also cause enduring memory problems - I've seen that as well. It should be a last resort. It's not an alternative to life changes, working on one's self, or dealing with one's demons and one's spiritual life. But sometimes the others can't be done properly without some other help. I don't want to re-hose up the thread either.

I wish you well Dizzy and hope you find a better path.”

“i've done some research on it, and talked to others who have had it. i've asked my psych for a consult. i need to make sure that they do it unilaterally or i won't do it at all. it's just that i've been fighting this for over four years now, (and i realize that you have not known how long), and the last 18 months has been near deadly or i wouldn't consider it at all. meds have not worked yet. it's not something i'm taking lightly. i know the Exact risks. i'm far more frightened of it than you are. but i've almost died 4 times now since sep 08. i guess i was really hoping that someone here had experience with it and would be willing to talk. i want all the first person knowlege i can get.”

“I can tell you from my own experience with PTSD and severe depression that the only thing that helped get me to a better place when I was VERY ready to pull the plug was not medication.
Meds helped a little but what saved me was something I can't explain exactly.I changed my behavior, reached out to my friends and climbed out of that black hole. Prayer works..if you pray..pray more..if you don't pray..start now. I'm not inviting a debate about God, this worked for me, YMMV

It took 6 years of hell but I made it to the other side. Medication actually made me worse except for the panic attacks and I took something for them and I sometimes still do.

probably not helpful in a practical way but there it is. Random disclosure of personal drama to strangers= therapy by internet :-)”

“Random disclosure of personal drama to strangers= therapy by internet :-)” <---don't laugh, this is the only thing that keeps me from cutting myself on a daily basis. and until aug 08 i had not cut since 2001, and 1992 before that, 1982 before that, and never mind, we needn't keep going back. just trying to get across that i don't always do this sh1t. i have select groups of people i trust and recently decided to try and add this one. maybe just to see what the fvck would happen amongst the normies. you can see i've befuddled the hell out of them so far. see what you don't know is that i've been dealing with and fighting against this current depression since 2005. and i used all those little tricks you mentioned for a very long time. but they are afterall just tricks. nothing more than that. they do not fix whatever is wrong inside of your brain. and i did try talking with God about this, we've had many many conversations since this began. i ended up on my knees and begging. He said no. He can do that you know. just say No. but i'm angry with Him for so much more than that. i stopped going to church years ago, twisted my belly to be there. i still talk with Him occasionally, because other people need praying for. and He seems to answer my prayers for them. i've heard He doesn't bless the unblessable. so i've decided fvck it, i'm unblessable. and i live however the fvck i want. screw Him. i get more love from all the people he says are cursed than the ones that claim to be His. so He can take his blessings and stuff it.”

“Incredible Phoenix...Great..really great.”

“I guess it's side efeects, Stovie - they render me unable to function.

I find it interesting that Ped says ECt is ineffective for PTSD. I essentially have PTSD, or SSD (secondary stress dis-order as it's now called). Idf this is Pam's case - well, I don't know.

Basically, it's a long and bumpy ride and I don't have any useful advice, unfortunately.”

“Random disclosure...


if ever an exorcism needed to be performed, I think we have a good candidate right here on TT”

“another 24 hours without cutting. last night was closer than most nights. but i made it. i'm ok. my daughter is taking me out tonight to celebrate the fact that i will have four weeks tomorrow.

i don't think that ECT will take care of all the ptsd, but i think it will make a difference in the depression portion of it. i know they use it when suicidal ideations and attempts become life threatening. i saw the nurse pull up my medical records on the computer screen a few weeks ago when i went in for a follow up. ***MAJOR SUICIDE THREAT*** or some words to that effect in bold red lettering were at the top of each page she read. made me feel a little less human. but i suppose it's real. still waiting to hear from my psych.”

“From my experience and little bit of learning the long term solution is to get your brain re-wired. A psychiatrist told me he was prescribing me medication because I had taught myself to think about and perceive things incorrectly over several years. The meds temporarily rearrange the neural connections, but behavioral changes are more effective at doing this and last longer. Behavior changes need to be constantly reinforced, which requires discipline and help from someone who cares. There's nothing I know of that can permanently fix what's wrong in your brain because you have enough influence and control over it yourself that you can undo a temporary fix.

After doing a couple of self-help courses, a bunch of therapy and adjusting my world view I gave up the meds cuz the side effects were unhealthy and the depression itself had become easier to deal with. I didn't have a bad case of it, but it's something that I still have to keep on top of.

The idea of God helping you works. I think a 12-step program would help you and they have a healthier idea of God than most churches. God/the universe/whatever never provides an easy way out, but is present in your trouble, understands it better than you do, and wants you to succeed and be helpful to those around you. It takes a lot of courage and determination to fight your way through depression, but I think we were all born with the ability to do it - we are usually capable of a lot more than we think.

Finally, I'll share with you my favorite happy song. Go ahead and laugh, it works for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCmBTV08ylc”

“unfortunately the bad wiring is something that goes as far back as infancy, that's what my psychs tell me, (i have multiple doctors). so it's not easily overcome. they even say that it's possible my seizure disorder is part of it, children who are abused, molested can have abnormal brains in more way than one. weird, huh? i'm learning a whole lot. i was in DBT for a few weeks, dialectical behavioral therapy, it is supposed to teach you to change the way you think and react, basically what you are talking about. unfortunately they kicked me out for attempting suicide in november. silly isn't it. they tell me i'm not married to the idea of living so the program won't work for me. how do they suppose i'll get there without the therapy?

i know God works for other people, and that's fine. He isn't working for me. and i've never felt comfortable in 12 step programs, but i really don't want anything to do with any program concerning God now. i know almost everyone here means well with the God talk, but i'd Really like to stop talking about Him now. i have my reasons which i won't bother you with. besides His answer is no and i'm on my own.”

“sounds like you got God figured out. Genius.”