Depression

“HPD, do you actually consider those posts to be helpful?”

“i guess i'm glad for the ignore feature, right? not even going to peek. learned my lesson. he's not really worth cutting over. too bad i didn't realize that last time.”

“Nimblefoot - I don't see any of your posts helping. I'm challenging her thinking, while you're encouraging her thinking. In my estimation, I should be asking you that question.”

“yesterday i helped two people to get through the day/night without cutting, one of them was having a severe anxiety attack. it felt pretty good to be useful to someone. it's odd that i can do for others what i cannot do for myself, although i have heard this echoed many times by others like me while in the hospitals. the nurses told us that it's not uncommon for most of us, like there's some kind of missing connection in our brains, something not fuctioning. i wish they'd find the medication that filled in the gaps there. this one isn't working yet, or either. i've tried so many now.”

“HPD I'm sure someone can help you with that problem..try a priest.

The comment about internet therapy was not a joke, it helps to talk to people like this, at a distance so to speak.
I understand Dizzybtch what you said about God saying "no" to you. I begged and prayed for someone to live once and the answer was NO and I am still angry about it. I understand where your coming from.

I hope you find what works for you and I wish I could offer some advice or solution.”

“i know you weren't joking phoenix, i wasn't either. because talking to people in my RL wouldn't not really be cool, i have several websites with friends, probably about half of whom are dealing with some of the same issues. we help each other get through, and even those who are sane help me out. and i'll tell you something, i know damn well i wouldn't be alive without them. they know me well enough to know when i need a hug and know when i need a push.

my anger at God isn't about Him saying no to me now.”

“FVCK”

“SH1T I MISS THE DAMNED EDIT FEATURE! IGNORE THE DOUBLE NEGATIVE.”

“it's all negative”

“Hey Nimble -
What'd hpd say? I have him and that whole lot of s#it slingers on ignore - and am dam proud of it :)”

“Funny how the ones complaining are the ones throwing around all the #&%!$.”

“You know...with all possible insult to the Rev Pat Robertson....I do not see God as some "Santa on Steroids" able to wish pain out of existence.

In my faith I understand that the world is a result of "natural consequences". That being said, "Bad things happen to good people, and Good things happen to bad people."

I had a close family relative who was into 'Claiming" stuff. She would "Claim that GOD would make the weather nice", or "Claim, God would change this and that".

It became evident that God didn't exist for us to call like "1-800-Solvemy fVckup".

SO I wondered "Where is God in time of crisis." As I grew in my understanding an love of "living life" I found that CRAP happens. Hell I see CRAP happen everyday of my life.

Then, rather than expound on how God was absent because "A" or "B" happened, I began to look for God's presence in Horrible events.

Rather than trumpeting the terrible things that HAD happened to me. I began to be thankful for the people and events God let show up when I was in my greatest Pain and suffering.

I have had to stand there and console and help a family when their 19 year old son put a large caliber pistol to his head and took an permenant solution for a temporary problem. I have stood there and given HOPE to people when we brought the horribly burned and disfugured remains of a family member were removed from a fire.

And (as my faith grew) my understanding of dealing with pain grew. Today I don't want to get caught up in continually looking back at events I can no more change than the weather. Rather I look forward, I look for the small moments that prove my value and worth.

I had a mostly crappy weekend (mixed crappy with some good moments). This morning was (due to lack of sleep, fighting off a cold, and other crap) pretty bad. As I drove to work the pain became overwhelming.

Then I got to work and opened an email from another friend (who has really written the book on "My Life went to #&%!$ but I am still breathing"). She had written one of the most thoughtful, understanding letters to me placing a bunch of stuff into perspective. She gave me experience, strength and hope and REALLY made my day.

Whether she knows it, whether she believes it SHE took a moment to become and earthly manifestation of God's promise of his Love for me.

In my faith God is My true Father. And as any Father he is wise enough to know that there are lessons I need to learn to make me better. There are lessons I need to learn so that one day I might help another person, and there a lessons that apparently my actions show I am just BOUND AND DETERMINED to learn (LOL).

I do grieve those people in so much pain that their only desire appears to be "bring someone else into my crap so I don't feel alone suffering."

In my experience I can show someone who has experienced geometrically worse than ANYONE on this board. The difference is they use their experience to show others that there is strength and continuity.”

“dizzy - what you're hearing is no, but He might just be saying not yet.”

“WHOA there Day..stop inserting "common sense" in this thread...LOL. EXCELLENT COMMENT”

“well, it's easy for me to say that when I'm not feeling what she's feeling, but I've gotten what I thought was a no, and later realized it meant not yet.”

“Yo dizz, I tried sending you an email, however it bounced back to me as undeliverable.”

“Unbelievable.

What's this interwebs coming to?”

“Snow conditions have been the pits here. Yesterday I decided to drive to a X-country ski centre that has packed trails in the hopes of doing some ski-ing; we had got a few cm of snow the previous night.

About half way there my cell. rang. It was Monique at the credit union and she only wanted to know if I wanted my pension cheques deposited automatically. Now I should have taken care of that a year ago, but if I could do things like that I'd still be in the classroom.

Anyway, dealing with the bank pretty much ended my day and I drove home. I did bring in some firewood and shovelled the stoop and after a while was able to cook and eat dinner.

Weird. Only a few years ago I was planning to climb McKinley and in 2 007 flew out to Seattly in the hopes of climbing Rainier, but I was already past it.

Nothing major, but mental illness is a
b!tch.

Just wanted to share.”

“Did you eat your greens?”

“There's pills for it. I took an AT.”

“Dewd that's a mighty large pill to swaller.......”

“I will just nibble away at it one day at a time.”

“You go on the AT as therapy? You are/were depressed?”

“yes, were”

“me too”

“You must have a long neck to take a bite out of the AT every morning”

“discovering backpacking got me out of my worst depression a few years ago... and has helped with every one since. It may not work for everyone, but it helps me”

“I am just greatful that when those overpowering moments hit I have friends and the willingness to call them.”

“yeah, definitely. Hell, I never would've gotten into backpacking in the first place if not for a couple friends who were willing to stumble out into the wilderness with no knowledge or experience for a few nights just to ease my unhappiness...”

“The outdoors is good for the heart & soul. Head out to the ski centre again real soon, Gremlin.”

“Hello. i'm alive. i survived the lastest cut despite her attempt.

i finally have the diagnosis i knew decades ago but doubted. DID. Disassociated Identitity Disorder. or multiple personality disorder for those who remember Sybil.

you've all known me as Pamela, although my craziest funnest moments are dizzybtch my alter. Pammie is the only other that i know of. my daughter being with me on fri the 22nd cinched the diagnosis. they used to think it was the alcohol, but she was there to report exactly how much i drank, which was less than two drinks.

i cut very very badly on friday night the 22nd of january. i had a great time with my daughter and her fiancee celebrating the fact that i had achieved 4 weeks without cutting, but afterwards on the way home i disassociated and one of my other personalities cut me so horribly that i lost more than 25% of my blood volume this time, the most ever. i don't remember that night, i woke up the first time staring into the face of a paramedic at santa margarita river, and the 2nd time sliding into a CAT scan machine because i was having seizures, and then i woke up saturday evening in the ICU. i was in ICU from saturday until tuesday, a few more days in the hospital until they could stabilize me for a trip to the psych ward at the VA hospital. i just got home today.

i'm going to be ok. i just don't know when. i have a million appts made for me in the next several weeks/months. i'm on a new medication in addition to the others. they won't do Electro Convulsive Therapy for me yet.”

“Prayers, girl. Be well.”

“thank you toejam. the more dx's i get, the easier to get a handle on what to do next.”

“Dizzy which one'a those naughty rascals cut you so badly? And where did she do the cutting?

Nachurly prayers from WNC.”

“i don't know, pammie or dizzy. take your pick. as if that wasn't bad enough, one of them took pics and emailed them to friends. cheezus i hate this. i can handle my own cutting, it's small and reasonable, theirs is out of control.”

“i have a little money. the guys spent about two thirds of my lump sum distribution from the veteran's administration while i was in the hospital, but i am trying to hold a little of it, 500. i want to go somewhere, anyone want to do something with me?”

“still has to be in state close by. other things i have to take care of, and i don't know if i will need any of this money if they #&%!$ up anything else.”

“I’ve avoided posting just because I have nothing to offer as to the subject pedx wanted to bring up. I have no advice. What I will offer is my complete sympathy.

I’m a very up-beat guy. I’m reasonably happy most of the time. I’ve had days where I’ve curled up in bed and wanted the world to just leave me alone. I thought that was depression.

After my operation in September, they had me on Oxycontin and Oxycodone. It worked well for the pain but I had no brain. I got tired of the stuff and decided to reduce my dosage so that I could wean myself off it.

Maybe I should have read the warning I subsequently found on a website saying, “Warning, sudden reduction in dosage may cause severe depression.” Sometimes I’m not real good with directions.

Holy Batnuts! I never knew I could feel that way. My world became a grey and dreary place where there was no hope for happiness and I saw no end in sight. I started to think a bullet in the brain would be a good way out. One day I held my daughter’s hand and just cried. I never knew that life could feel so endlessly bad.

A physician friend told me that the Oxycontin/Oxycodone had replaced my natural endorphins and serotonin levels (at least that’s how I understood what he was saying) He said it would take 4-6 weeks to get my body chemistry back to normal. It took every bit of 6 weeks to feel normal again.

I never want to feel that way again. And I now deeply empathize with anyone who suffers from severe depression. I hate the idea of taking meds to cure my problems. But I hope that anyone who suffers from depression finds every means necessary to balance their body chemistry.

Because depression sucks in a way that is incomprehensible unless you’ve been there.”

“when the VA didn't want to take out my gallbladder they gave me vicodin for four months, after a while i built a tolerance level par none, so they gave me morphine for another two months, they they took it out finally. they cut me off cold turkey one week after surgery. i have never used any narcotic longer than two weeks since then. OMGod, what a #&%!$! i pray to God no one ever gets caught in a narcotic trap like that. the physical withdrawal and the emotional withdrawal nearly killed me. i hate the VA sometimes.”

“btw, i'm probably going to have to withdraw my offer of going anywhere. i forgot to tell everyone, when dizzy or pammie took over my body that night, they either threw away or lost my eyeglasses, a $319 dollar item. they also threw away or lost my Boy Scout hat, an item of great sentimental value. i cried last night when i realized that my hat was gone. all this time i thought it was around somewhere, either in the house or truck. it's not. i hate them. they have #&%!$ed me over in so many ways i cannot count them.














”

“i forgot arclite, what i really wanted to say, was, Thank You.”

“I love the pictures.”

“Pictures are go0od. I can send ypou another turkey feather, Pam, and please take care.

You nailed it, Arclite. My friends know me well enough to foresee some of my behaviour, but they'll sometimes say something (never mean, though) and I realise they have no idea.”

“Nice shot of the Remnington 1100 ejecting, BTW.”

“Never mind Grims comment about sending you a turkey feather. The only one's that qualify are the ones you find. I pick up lots of feathers - all kinds. Yellow ones, blue ones, red ones, turkey ones, hawk ones, etc. I like to attach them to the dogs' collars ala headdress. Sometimes we get home from walkabouts looking like Comanche scouts - lol!”

“[img]Sometimes we get home from walkabouts looking like Comanche scouts[/img]

:-)”

“Lotsa wild turkey up here and we keep the feathers.”

“dizz and arclite, thanks for sharing. It's kinda nice that, as uncivil and downright mean as this message board can get, people are still comfortable to talk openly on this thread. I with there was something more I could say other than "hang in there." You have my support.

And Dizz, if you still want to do that trip, I think I'm gonna try and go to Joshua Tree over the weekend of the 20th. You're welcome to join us.

As for my own story, your talk of feathers really reminded me of it. A couple years back, I was in a pretty awful living situation. Long story short, my then-girlfriend (now wife)'s sister was living with us, and through the financial burden of it, as well as the burden of having someone I really don't care for sitting on the couch 24/7 watching horrible reality TV, our relationship was in a very bad place. I was broke, unhappy, and incredibly miserable at my job. Every day, the drive home from work (in traffic) was the most miserable, as I sat and just stewed in my own sorrow. Then one day I noticed a red-tailed hawk sitting on the lightpost over the freeway, so I started paying attention. I found out that usually no fewer than 5 red-tailed hawks would sit over the freeway every day on my drive home, and something about them gave me a little hope - a little happiness.

Eventually, not a minute too soon, we moved to the place we're in now - this tiny duplex up on a hill. the sister grudgingly got her own place, and shortly after, we got engaged. But I remember a single moment, the day we moved in. After lugging all our crap into the garage, I went out back on my own. There, no more than 30 feet above me, two red-tailed hawks hovered in place in the headwind, scanning the hill for food. I could've cried - damn near did. I knew everything was going to turn out all right - for the first time in a year, I had something to look forward to.

Those hawks live in a tree right outside my back door, and their feathers often land in the yard - I collect them. It's just so strange - so fitting. For about a year, they were all I had to feel good about - the last shred of happiness I was clinging to, and now, there they are every day like clockwork right outside my door.

I don't really believe in anything supernatural... realistically, I know there's nothing deeper to it other than the fact that the tree on the hill offers a good vantage point. But still... I like to think it's a sign.”

“Now, that's a really nice story. Love it, peps.
:-)”