I need a way....

“I need a way to MURDER my co-worker!!

his office is across from mine. I cant see him but I can HEAR him!.
1. his chair squeeks all the time (I tried to sneak in and oil it but it didnt work)
2. its Feb, and he is still singing Christmas songs.
3. he is an ASSwipe!!



so i need your help on different ways to get rid of him?”

“Cuss him to death.”

“put a whoopie cushion on his seat...”

“Christmas songs?? yep, he has to go. you live in NY...talk to your friend Vinny.”

“LOL


hey geo, where is Tony when you need him ah???”

“Tony frickin G here, yo, somebody call or what?”

“Youse gotta job fer me?”

“find the best looking woman in the office who has a mean jealous husband,,,,call the husband anonymously and tell him the a$$wipe is doing the wife and bragging about how much a wimp the husband is....”

“We can be more creative!

For example:

Put the person on a plane to Iraq.

Invite the person to see a new housing site, while their pouring cement.

Gotta be better ideas!

Sarabelle?”

“Take em on a long hike in the woods and lead him off a cliff-”

“does he go by the name Jello Fog :>)”

“Get one of those cheapie white noise generators. That'll help.”

“not sure but he is about as annoying as you are!!”

“This doesn't really apply to your situation, but you might try them anyway...

Top Ten ways to keep people out of your office:


10. Pick your nose the entire time someone is in your office. If
this alone is insufficient grounds for their immediate departure,
eat the boogers.

9. Sing "Do-Re-Mi" continuously while other people are in your office.

8. Whenever someone comes into your office, offer to show them the pictures
of your vasectomy/birth of your child.

7. If someone comes into your office to ask you questions, answer the
first calmly, then answer each subsequent question with an increased
level of hostility. If they make it to ten questions, climb on your
desk and scream the answer at them. Make sure spittle comes out
of your mouth, just for effect.

6. Mumble something just below audibility, but make sure the words
"grave", "body", "axe", "mutilated" and "decomposed" stand out.

5. Always eat pinto beans for lunch. Fart loudly when someone comes
in and say, "Boy that was a good one!"

4. Rub or scratch your head constantly while others are in your office.

3. Be sure and tell everyone about how you've joined this great new
encounter group. Be sure and mention that you are all going to
"shed your containers" this weekend.

2. Put your head in your hands and say "get out" over and over.
If this does not have immediate effect, begin beating your head
on your desk and scream "Get out of my head! Shut up!" repeatedly.

1. Scratch your entire body shouting "Get off me! Get off me!" If this
does not work, begin removing items of clothing. Note: this method
may have reduced efficacy for attractive females.”

“Sorry Maple, but #5 sounds like you!”

“. Mumble something just below audibility, but make sure the words
"grave", "body", "axe", "mutilated" and "decomposed" stand out.

this would be sweetttt!!!!!”

“Yeah bring him bping, Honest officer he just got up and ran right off Giant Ledge, mumbled something like "I can fly"”

“knowing this moron he will be singing "I can fly" (from Peter Pan)the whole way down!!”

“I've got on of those in my office as well, Maple. When we moved back into our newly renovated cubeville they placed us as far apart as possible.

He'd have his PC set to make all these silly train noises every time it did something, he'd play his CDs loudly, he'd whistle and cup his hands and clap them so it was really sharp and loud. I'd complain about him and he'd be asked to stop, then he'd come right over to my desk and stand in front of me and clap and whistle. Sounds pretty juvenile doesn't it? The guy is 64 years old. He also has this big loud mouth (he's from Baltimore) and conducts all his personal business at work.

He should've been fired years ago (he's so noisy because he's bored with his "job") I was hoping he'd get himself fired during the last budget process since he screwed up a kajillion times, but no...just more work for me.

So let me know how ya make out!”

“So let me know how ya make out!"
twigeater
11:47:45 AM
02/10/03



uummm you mean like a phone call from jail??”

“lol...twigeater...There's a woman like that (though nowhere near as bad) in the cube farm near me. The only real problem I have with her is her phone time. Every day, she gets a call from one of her adult daughters at work, and then she spends from then (about 3:30ish) until time to go home, discussing her personal problems in detail, in her very loud British voice. I'm getting better at tuning it out, but when I am working on a hard problem, it's really annoying. And it happens nearly every day. I love it when she goes on vacation....”

“... you could start by spiking his coffee with LSD, that's always good for a few laughs and then maybe he'll kill himself by jumping out a window or something ;'}

.”

“Hey Bit, use a British voice of your own and tell her she's the frakin' Weakest Link”

“Unfortunately, I work for a Big Corporation with an Official Harrassment Policy and behavior like that is Frowned Upon. Every one has to play nice, that is, unless you're the only person who translates our technical documents into Japanese, then you can get away with Bloody Frickin' Murder and no one will say anything.

They were talking about not having enough documentation resources. I piped up and said, "We could always take away <insert name of woman here>'s phone, productivity would go up 100%."

Everyone laughed nervously.”

“lol, Bit”

“LOL maple, I was hoping you'd have better results.

The bosses complain about him, all the way to the Commissioner - but they don't do anything. They told him not to do the online crossword puzzle, so he prints it out and does it. He sees nothing wrong with this. And they still let him get his newspaper at work!

Not only is he annoying and wastes time, but whatever work he does is wrong. I don't let it stress me out though, it's just work and that's the way it is - now that I don't have to listen to him that is! :)”

“You know, Twig. Every place I ever have worked has at least one character like that. The one that can't seem to lose his/her job and you wonder how they are working at all. Raises a couple of red flags about hiring in American biz, doesn't it?”

“yes, I know I post to TT all day (pretty sure my boss is aware of it) but I get at least 10 times more work done and it's done right!”

“Maple, you could always drop some subtle hints about Brian the Stalker around the office.”

“I know treebear, it's amazing to me. My next boss may be some guy who knows nothing - however, he is very good at nodding his head and agreeing like he knows what's going one. Then comes to me to get details. But hey, my job will be secure - he needs me, lol!”

“almost like working for a ventriloquist's dummy, Twig...”

“Okay, here's what you do. Set up some hidden speakers in his office that are attached to a microphone and an effect pedal that drops your voice down 5 octaves (they make these for guitars) in your office. The next time he starts doing something annoying, just whisper "satan" very slowly into the microphone. He'll eventually get freaked out and think he's coming down with schizophrinia or something, then you can tell him that he's a freak like that guy in "A Beautiful Mind" except that he's way stupider and will never amount to nothing.”

“So the guy in Maple's office is alternately channeling Mary Martin and El Asso Wipo.... THIS, I gotta see. Post photos and streaming audio so we can pass on the torture to other deserving folks!

Karma babe, Karma!”

“An English accent in Alabama?”

“It was a long and winding road, gremlin...”

“Tell me about it (I guess).”

“Up until now, I didn't even realize I work with mapleleaf.

*squeeeeek*”

“I can just see Mapleleaf leaving work nonchalantly with Violin's head in a duffle bag”

“not a duffle bag silly, a violin case!!!!!!!!”

“I stand corrected...”

“gee MORON has a new tune!

The Ally Cat song.


GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR”