Cute Joke

“LOL!!!!!”

“He he he ! ! !”

“I can just picture the guy from my big fat greek weeding saying this hahahaha”

“hahaha! youa have mea rollin ona the floor”

“Very Politiclly Incorrect.....




















I love it...”

“Maybe he will spray windex on me too!”

“I could see it coming (as it were).”

“Ah the nostalgia! I remember telling that joke myself - about 30 years ago.”

“Yeah, but it was a good one to revive, Ped...”

“A man entered a restaurant and sat down at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket and, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my #&%!$. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my #&%!$ out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your #&%!$ back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."”

“What do electric trains and breasts have in common?









They're intended for children, but men like to play with them.”

“A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right thru the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant you three wishes. I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great," the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said. "I want a house in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie," the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman for a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35", she replied. "And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."”

“A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"”

“lol Good one, Gem!”

“Gem's reminds me of an old joke I like.

A guy buys a new Cadillac and a friend from the office asks him how he likes it.
"Ah its a wonderful car, classy, comfortable - I love it. Only problem is that my wife wants to make passionate love in the back seat every evening."
"Why is that a problem?" asks the friend."
"She wants to do it while I'm driving."”

“lol. boy, my list is getting bigger and bigger.”

“LMAO, TOO FUNNY!!

can you tell tree is bored again?

im glad cause me makes me laugh when he is board.”

“This couple was having supper at a very fancy restaurant. As the waiter brought them their soup, the husband notice the waiter had his thumb in it. The husband didn't say anything, thinking it must've been a mistake on the waiter's part.

When the waiter brought them their main dishes...he had his thumb in their sauce. Again the husband didn't say anything.

Finally, the waiter brought their ice cream for dessert...this time the waiter's thumb was not in it. The husband asked the waiter about all three incidents. "Well, I've abit of artrithis in my thumb, and the doctor told me to keep it warm every chance I got" the waiter said. "You son of a #&%!$" the husband yelled, "Why don't you stick it up your @ss?" The waiter replied, "Oh, I do...when I'm in the kitchen".”

“An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a
fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until
it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not
taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother"”

“Now thats funny!!!!


8)”

“Too Clean! <G>”

“Cute ;)”

“LMAO!”

“Good one!”

“does it really work? I have...............Oh never mind”

“WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

because a vibrator can't mow the lawn, bastards!”

“I didn't even have to back up to read it!


;) ;) ;) ;) ;)”

“LOL yeah right”

“What about "self-love"?

I've always heard that causes bad vision and hairy palms.”

“Oh wait, you can't. Ha!

OK, so the young Italian virgin girl got married, and as was the custom in her village, the couple spends their wedding night in her mother's house. They go upstairs and begin to get undressed to get ready for their first night as a married couple.

The young man takes off his shirt, and his new bride sees his big hairy arms, and she runs downstairs to her mama.

"Mama Mama Mama! He gotta these big hairy arms!"

"Zakka zakka zakka! That's the way it is with a man, now go up-astairs and make-a the baby!"

So she goes back upstairs, and her husband has taken off his undershirt, exposing his hairy chest. She runs back downstairs again.

"Mama Mama Mama! He gotta hair all over his chest!"

"Zakka zakka zakka! That's the way it is with a man, now go up-astairs and make-a the baby!"

So she goes back upstairs, and this time, her husband has taken off his shoes and socks, and she sees that he's lost half of one of his feet in the war. She runs back downstairs again.

"Mama Mama Mama! He only got a foot and a half!"

"Zakka zakka zakka! You stay down here, I go upstairs!"”

“Aye Aye Captain !!

DEAR DIARY, DAY ONE:
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed
all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY, DAY TWO:
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some
whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be.
I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY, DAY THREE:
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me
to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY, DAY FOUR:
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK. Won about $80. The Captain
invited me to have dinner with him in his state room! . We had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay
the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY, DAY FIVE:
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided
to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The
Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and
again I declined. He told me if I didn't spend the night with him, he
would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY, DAY SIX:
I saved 1600 lives today .... Twice”

“A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,"You
can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."”

“lol”

“LMAO!”

“oh cute!! :-D”

“Subject: The Ostrich, etc.


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.48." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I! would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there ."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live."
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
---
A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a Pygmy standing beside a very large dead beast...
Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The Pygmy answered, "Yes."
The hunter then asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the Pygmy, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The Pygmy replied, "Oh, there's about 60 of us."
---
The sergeant was in a rare mood as he was drilling his company. He barked out an order: "All right, you ninnies, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one rookie stood still.
The sergeant stared as the rookie replied, "There were a lot of them, weren't there Sarge?"
last edited: 10/06/05 12:10:40 PM”

“A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.

"Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and

screams, then she pushes on her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes on her knee and screams, likewise she pushes on her ankle
and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
Well, no" she says "I'm actually a blonde."
" I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken”

“When you see an SUV for sale and it's only $299/month, is that for the loan payment or the gas it will use?”

“In Kentucky you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

So Bubba decides to save up and get a hang-glider.

He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he gets ready to take flight.
He takes off running and reaches the edge.

Into the wind he goes!

Maw and Paw Hicks are sittin' on the porch swing talkin' 'bout the good
ole days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen.

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up. "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops.

"I think you missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba.”

“A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.

- Did you dance much?

- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."”

“On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty. And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

So that is why:

the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family.
for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
and for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.”

“One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five euros.. a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five euros and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five euros, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3.
Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.”

“If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...”

“On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don`t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn`t work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don`t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. What`s wrong?" asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it`ll take me to find a lawyer?”

“An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life...when all of a sudden, a fairy-godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes...

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess that I would like to be rich."

***POOF***her rocking chair turns to solid gold!

"And, gee, I guess that I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

***POOF***she turns into a beautiful young woman!

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy-godmother.

Just then, the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

***POOF***there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine!

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch to her. Then he passionately takes her in his strong arms, bends close, and whispers in her ear...

"Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"”

“"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."
- R. E. Howard”

“One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. Believe it or not I've got some folks here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing over and over again. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George
said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer & I don't think I could do
that all day long".

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be
in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the
floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a spread eagle
pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked
in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."”

“God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his
bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He
thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one
of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to
see if he could hit a stump ten feet away laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God”