Cute Joke

“Now if he would just give them some logic, take away PMS & menopause and give something to level out their emotions, it would be a start..........”

“Hey Catskhiker, you have to do a little better than that !

I mean if you change a joke that dumps on democrats to one that dumps on republicans you have to change other things as well.

Ronald Reagan diving in the water C'mon, that is so obviously a chapaquidick reference it makes the whole joke lame.

* * *
The airplane was in trouble and could only last a few more minutes.
The captain called the flight attendant up to the cockpit and asked how many parachutes they had.
Three was the reply.
The captain asked who were the VIPs on the flight.
Ex-Presidents Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter and Senator Edward Kennedy.
The captain asked that they be brought up to the cockpit and explained the situation to them and explained that they only had 3 parachutes and that as 2 former Presidents and a distinguished Senator they should be the ones to use the parachutes and live.

Jimmy Carter: "But what about the common people?"

Richard Nixon: "Screw the common people"

Ed Kennedy: "Do we have enough time?"”

“I didn't change the joke. Copy/Paste, that's me. If I'm gonna doctor anything, it will be cartoons. But then I have to know the person to custom fit it. I found out today, I made my (work)partner famous in Iraq. All his toons are posted on bulletin boards there.

I don't hold anything sacred & I have thick skin, so anything goes.”

“Clooney pranks pal with fake art gift

George Clooney once made his best pal Richard Kind display a ghastly discarded painting in his home for two years, after pretending he painted it himself.

Hollywood prankster Clooney, who was best man at the former Spin City star's 1999 wedding to Dana Stanley, worked on the elaborate plan for 12 months, before putting his pal through the two-year embarrassment.

He says: "I remember finding a painting that someone had thrown away. It was out by the garbage and I drove by it a few times. They were waiting for the trash collector to pick it up. It was this gigantic, awful painting.


"I finally stopped and picked it up and took it home and signed my name to it and framed it. And for about a year, my buddy Richard would go, 'Hey, you want to play golf?' And I'd go, 'I can't. I've got art class.' And then on his 40th birthday I said, 'My art teacher's really proud of me but this (painting) is the first one we're both really proud of. You've been so supportive, I want you to have it.'

"It hung over his couch for another two years and everyone knew except for him. So they would show up and go, 'That's an amazing painting!' and he'd be (confused)."”

“"batman and robin" was a pretty good practical joke too”

“"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up”

“Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spagetti?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?”

“Hold your index and thumb about 2 inches apart.

Are you looking at it?

Good.

Want to know why women are bad at math?

Because all our lives we've
been told by men that this is 6 inches”

“It not that easy. Belieeve One Inch Wang.”

“You just need somebody that will take the time & care (4 hours) instead of 10 minutes.”

“1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates dot Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily,it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bstards <
4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.

7. New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
13. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

15. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

16. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show
in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.”

“catskhiker... That was pretty funny.... especially the one about people getting Asian characters tattooed on them....”

“YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.”

“OMG...I hate it when people email me a question and they sit ten feet away from me!!”

“lol, thats SOP in my office!

with cc to everybody else that might have teh slightest inclination to care what your saying.”

“I had a coworker downstairs from me who actually preferred that I email him rather than stroll down. He'd get all pissed for me breaking his concentration, but if I sent him an email I'd get a quick courteous response.

***

Roam, Eventually all the cc's stack up so the email is 50 miles long and parts of the conversation are repeated a dozen times, right?”

“Phew. The cell phone is still in the belt pouch.”

“How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it
at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you
can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.”

“AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, A WEST VIRGINIA COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED.



SO THE HUSBAND WENT TO HIS VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN.



THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE. "A LESS COSTLY ALTERNATIVE," SAID THE DOCTOR "IS TO GO HOME, GET A CHERRY BOMB."



"LIGHT IT, PUT IT IN A BEER CAN, AND THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."



THE WEST VIRGINIAN SAID TO THE DOCTOR, "I MAY NOT BE THE SMARTEST TOOL IN THE SHED, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."



"TRUST ME," SAID THE DOCTOR.



SO THE MAN WENT HOME, LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT







"1"







"2"







"3"







"4"







"5"







AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED, PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND.



THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN TENNESSEE, KENTUCKY, ARKANSAS, MISSISSIPPI, AND ALABAMA”

“I recently picked a new primary-care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or other alcoholic beverages?"
"Not to speak of," I replied.
Then he asked, "Do you climb ladders to put up Christmas lights? "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me quizzically and said, "Then why do you give a #&%!$ if you live to be 80?"”

“A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and
his wooden leg so he writes to a costume company to explain hisproblem. A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spottedhandkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:


Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg upyour @ss and go as a caramel apple.


Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.”

“That wasn't cute. ;-)”

“A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha I've just won the lottery, pack your things!"

Martha replies, "Fantastic! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?"

"I don't care", says the man. "Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."”

“This isn't so much of a joke, but more of an outrage.

I took my dog to the vet last week, he was lethargic, wasn't eating much and didn't seem to enjoy the usual activities that really set him off. So I went into the vet's office and waited....and waited...and eventually got to see the vet. He said he needed to give my dog a general check up first and proceeded to do so. After which he said he wanted to try something rarely done on dogs these days. I agreed because I was concerned about my pet. So the vet grabs a kitty and rubs it up the right side of my dog, then down the left side, finishing with the tail. He then says he'll be right back. He come back in with a needle saying: "He just needs a vitamin B shot. Nothing to worry about. The bill will be $545.00 please." Well I thought this was insane, nearly 600 bucks to check out my dog, rub it with a kitty and give it a Vitamin B shot? So I asked him. His response was:

"Oh sure, 45 dollars for the check up and Vitamin shot, and 500 for the CAT SCAN."”

“SPRING CLASSES FOR MEN only BASICS IN BEING MARRIED
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED SOON.

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step,
with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and
The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into
The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hour s
beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking
In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going
To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.”

“A lot of those classes should also be opened up to Freshman college students. I saw my son's dorm room last week. Then I went home and for reason's I still can't explain, I wondered into his bedroom. Let just say I won't make that mistake again. At least not until the toxic clean-up crew finishes.”

“Speaking of vets,I took one of my snakes(8'boa) to the vet last week. The doc found the problem right away though.Said he was suffering from Reptile dysfunction! LOL”

“A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my
hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said.............. You've Got Male."”

“Doesn't it seem that more and more
physicians are running their practices
like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and
the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.

So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out
and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.

So she wrote down his height, weight,
a complete medical history
and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in
and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.

So the nurse gave Buford a blood test,
a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Buford to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in
and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor asked,
Where?

Buford said,
Outside on the truck,
Where do you want them ???”

“Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you don't
Want to be seen.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.”

“A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a
moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.”

“Doh!”

“I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a
monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore
until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to
place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Dick
Cheney, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican
of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not
know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on
someone else's money.

Thank you.


George W. Bush Monument Committee

P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far”

“Wrong thread.
The mean spirted political thread is the one you should be looking for. ;-)
This thread is for Cute Jokes.”

“what he said
last edited: 6/09/06 1:11:13 PM”

“C'mon guys, it was a little cute.”

“I agree it was a little cute the first time I heard it. Think that must have been in the 60's. Pretty sure it was about FDR that time.”

“maybe we could start a new thread for cute mean-spirited political jokes”

“It "fits" Bush & Cheney like a glove !”

“Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit
you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The enginee r fumed, "What's with those
blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with
that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens
keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a re creational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one
week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."”

“I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try
to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend' s house.
Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes
and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to
use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like
that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and
said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't
let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you 're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.”

“Now, those I like.”

“Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?




Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
"Things are going to get ugly"”

“that was a little anticlimactic”

“I perferred the whole SHERIFF of ROTTINGHAM and the Witch from "Robin Hood Men in Tights" by Mel Brooks

Actually it means that even the most beautiful woman has the ability to be an ugly witch (IF SHE WANTS).”

“Beware of conmen in UK, Nigeria tells citizens

Crime-infested Nigeria, famed for its email scams, has warned citizens travelling to Britain to watch out for conmen who use tricks to rob or rip off visitors.

Fraudsters in Britain might pour tomato juice or other substances on your dress and then offer to help remove it, robbing you in the process, the information ministry warned in its first-ever travel advisory obtained by Reuters on Thursday.

The conmen, who are mainly white, but also include east Europeans and north Africans, might also pretend to pick up an object from under a potential victim's seat to distract his attention while he robs him, it added.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060622/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_crime_nigeria_britain”