Cute Joke

“unfunniest joke thread ever!”

“Just ran across these old zingers from Hollywood Squares...if you don't know who Charlie Weaver, Paul Lynde etc are///Sorry they were a hoot

These are CLASSIC'S from the Old Hollywood Squares TV Show:

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions

----


Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

---

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

---

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

---


Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

----

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


--


Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


---

Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

---

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter ... and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

-----

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

----

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

----

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

----

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

----

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

-----

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

-----

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

----

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

----

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

-----

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

-----

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?

A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

------

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


-----

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


---------

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

-------

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?

A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

------

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

-----

Q: Do female frogs croak?

A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.”

“Hilarious! (I remember those guys - now I get the jokes!)”

“At the end of every show, they used to run a paragraph-long disclaimer. Among other things, this disclaimer said that the stars were provided real answers and joke answers. I was crushed to think that they weren't so clever or funny.”

“It seemed obvious, even then, but very funny.”

“A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"”

“huh-huh...huh-huh.....he said "laid"....huh-huh”

“Thirteen Differences Between Men & Women

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing”

“The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.


I don't buy toilet paper there any more.”

“It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - to relax, I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things started to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking....." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open; the library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a higher power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye:

FRIEND, IS HEAVY THINKING RUINING YOUR LIFE?

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

That is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems.....well, easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step: I joined the Democratic Party.”

“TT is the biggest recovery group in existence for that problem. There has been some significant progress made by those posting here.”

“In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.”

“The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is
Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future”

“... the Iranians aren't Arabs.”

“A couple of elderly Ladies unwhittingly happened to be following Lorena Bobitt after her dastardly deed. As they followed, Lorena tossed the knife out the window, then she threw the formerly attached organ out as well. the wind caught it and it happened to bounce off their wind shield.

After a couple minutes, the passenger said," hey Ethel, Did ya see the size of the D*ck on the bug we just hit?"”

“Now, that was funny, jackstraw.”

“how is a severed pienis cute?”

“Her lips said "No" ...

Her eyes said "Read my lips"”

“"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."


Not Bad...”

“wonder how backpackers do on that measure - we probably hike a lot further than that, but I bet we drink more (on average, as a group) too. So, maybe about the same mileage?

I think i should get a grant and do a study.”

“Not much chance since you already pay to do both:)”

“knowing our government, you could get that grant.”

“Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before
an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says,
"OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode
and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair - no matter how big they are.”

“There were two potatos standing on the street corner. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?”

“The one that takes your money after you #&%!$ it is the prostitute.”

“Good guess!

It is the one with the sticker that says
I-da-ho.”