Paradoxes of the English Language

“We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.

PS. Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?”

“If corn oil comes from corn... where does baby oil come from?

Think about it.”

“Good one, Arty!”

“I know this isn't the point of this thread, but the beauty of the English languauge is that it has no hard fast rules. It is adaptable and quickly changes to fit the needs of a ever changing society.”

“Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one of them?

Why do they call them APARTMENTS when they are so close together?

Why do they call it a pair of pants when we refer to just one trouser?”

“Right, Hyway. Actually, in a way, that is the point. I love the English language, as screwy as it is. I guess that's why I seem to preoccupy myself with it.”

“The English language has no hard fast rules...

language rules has hard no fast the English!

You all understood me, right?!”

“Beech trees have beechnuts, walnut trees have walnuts, chestnut trees have chestnuts, but oak trees have acorns not oak nuts.”

“I have a headache!”

“LMAO @ Phaedrus!”

“There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.”

“The plural of goose is geese,
The plural of moose did not make the US Supreme Court (Edwin Meese).

He, his and Him. She hers and her ??

Plural of mouse is mice, plural of House ??”

“The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?”

“"If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?"

a knick-knack.”

“phaedrus are you saying that the same rules of grammar are being taught now that were taught around the turn of the century? When writing a list of objects does a comma have to be used before the "and" that comes before the last object. You may say yes, but just as many may say no. Depends on when you went to grade school.”

“I went to the dam to get some dam water. The dam man said I couldn't have any dam water, so I walked back down the dam road.”

“Hmmm...seems like a good place to post this.







Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895?

Take a Look:

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts.per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phoneticorthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.”

“Okay, hyway, but that's a far cry from English being some intrinsically poetic free-verse that shifts and changes with each new thought that arrives.

My wife is currently working on her PhD in medieval German, and you'd be surprised how much THAT language has changed and morphed, even in the last century.

I'd say the one thing that English really has going for it is that it's so ubiquitous - more ideas infused from more people into the fabric of the language more often.”

“holy sh-t, skully!! i get an F. and i guess Orthography is the same as Linguistics is now, basically? that's a college subject, sheesh!

i love words and the English language, but i don't really know the rules of grammar, or the parts of speech, or anything...not in a Naming Them kind of way. more like intuitively or something.”

“Yeah, Thanks, Skully. Now we all feel like idiots, LOLOL”

“phaedrus, what you said is more what I meant. The ability of the english language to adapt to the user over time. The inclusion of words and usages from other languages, that sort of thing. I only mention the comma thing because I am tired of getting told to put a comma before my "and"s. LOL Its not the way I was taught and I'll be damned if i am gonna start doing it now. (unless someone wants to pay me for writing then I'll change any and everything they asked)”

“It's a humbling experience, isn't it? One of my college professors (phD in chemistry--protein kinetics) sent it too me. If it's any consolation, she wouldn't have passed it either...”

“Sorry, hyway, I may have read more into your post than you meant. I thought you were kind of camparing English to other languages and saying that this is the reason English is better.”

“"My wife is currently working on her PhD in medieval German"


wow thats very cool, not to sound dumb or noisey but why is she going for that?”

“You'll get my comma when you peel my cold, dead hands away from it!”

“What, was, that, treebeard,?”

“I assumed she is or will be a college professor or a researcher. I can't imagine any other use for it.

Phaedrus, I don't think the English language is better at expressing clear, concise thought, but it does have a lot of flexibilty to allow it to stretch to any need that might arise, especially if you are trying not to express a clear, concise thought.”

“Yeah, hyway, as does any language. My stance is that English gets to do so more because it is used more.

Maple, She's going to teach when she's finished with school. And hyway's right, there's no other real-world use for such arcane knowlege (a point I try not to point out to my wife so often).

:)”

“LOl, but I still think its very cool.
she can curse you out in old german and you have no idea what she is saying.

hhmmm I know sign language, I could mess with treebeards head... fun stuff”

“English is a superior language. Most of the world's problems are caused by the non-English speakers of the world, and the English speaking nations of the world are usually the ones to fix them.”

“Mutt, this is not a politcal thread.”

“dammit bitpusher, you ruin everything! ;-)”

“No I guess it's not a "politcal" thread, per se, but there's definitely an undercurrent. I can feel it!”

“I set this up strictly as "word jazz". Just freeform thoughts that make interesting food for thought...”

“I have dabbled in German, and find it humorous when they concatenate words to create/describe concepts/ideas.”

“So thread hijacking and thread deterioration is no longer tolerated here? lol!

Language by nature has vast political ramifications.”

“You're ok, Mutt!

We're not alienating ya...

Good English, eh? lol”

“You're ok, Mutt!

We're not alienating ya

At least that's in line with the title of the thread, because it's definitely paradoxical to:

Mutt, this is not a politcal thread."

and

I set this up strictly as "word jazz”

“My English are good.”

“Soe iz myne.”

“I was talking to one of my students once who is fluent in four languages. I asked him what he thought of English. He liked it because it was "so rich". I have thought about that quite a bit. It makes it hard to learn, but the rewards abound.

Most of our jokes wouldn't work if it wasn't for our language. (My sister lives in Turkey and speaks Turkish fluently. She says that most of our jokes don't translate.)

My department chair is from Afganistan. He learned English there and came here for college in the late 60's to North Carolina. He couldn't understand a word. After he learned the NC dialect, he said if he went 50 miles he had to learn a new dialect. After NC he moved to Houston. He has lots of funny stories about the English language.”

“That Bitpusher is such a party pooper.”

“I know! I hate it when people cloud the issue with facts ; ) .”

“I'm no damn fun at all, lol....”

“There are three twos in the English language.
No wait... There are three toos in the English language.
No wait...
Awww, fergit it!”

“lol, M Silver...

One, won
Two, to, too
Four, for, fore
Eight, ate

hehehe”

“English test question: Use the words defeat, deduct, defense and detail in the same sentence.

Answer: "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."”

“Where is 2scoops when ya need him?

8)”

“Hint: Ya gotta sound it out to get the gist.”