Friday funny thread

“Ok, it's not friday....

Check this out anyway...trust me....”

“BEAUTY... "Arithetic" LOLOLOLOLOL”

“lol!”

“TIRED SOLDIER
The European train was very crowded, so the American soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked, and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong #&%!$ out the window!”

“Stop me if you've heard this one, hehe.
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "no" The next day the duck comes back and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "I told you yesterday, NO!" Next day, same duck, same question. This time the bartender says "If you ask me that again, I'm going to nail your beak shut!" Fourth day, the duck walks in and says "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No" The duck says "Good...got any grapes?"”

“  A Diet may be in order when...
   
   You can sell shade.
   
   You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
   
   You are diagnosed with a rare flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 34 more years to live.
   
   You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
   
   You discover you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
   
   You dance and it makes the band skip.
   
   Your driver's license says, "Photo continued on other side."
   
   -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-
   
   Factoids...
   
   How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
   
   No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
   
   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
   
   Sure I earn a seven-figure salary... Sadly, there's a decimal point involved.
   
   Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
   
   How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
   
   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
   
   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
   
   We gave our son a hint... On his room door we put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
   
   I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!”

“Yep!”

“The CEO's from Budweiser, Miller, Coors, and Guinness meet for dinner one evening.
The waitress comes over and ask the Budweiser CEO for his drink order. He orders a Bud, and likewise the CEO from miller orders a MGD, and the CEO from Coors orders a Coors.
The waitress then asks the CEO of Guinnes for his order and he replies.."I'll have a coke."

When she leaves the other CEO's turn and ask.."Why didn't you order a beer?"...He then says.."i figured since you guys weren't gonna have a beer, i wouldn't either!"”

“what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?








The taste.”

“Where's the funny thread?”

“How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

oh, hey..wanna ride bikes?”

“??”

“A Republican and a democrat are walking down the street and come across a homeless man. The Republican goes up to the homeless man, gives him $20, his buisness card telling him to come see him for a job interview tomorrow. The democrat is impressed.
They continue walking down the street and come across another homeless man. The democrat wants to show up the Republican. The democrat reaches into the Republican's wallet, takes out $20, keeps $15 for himself for Administrative fees, give the homeless man $5 and directions to the welfare office.
Now you know the difference between Republicans and democrats.”

“IT'S FRIDAY


got a good joke?”

“My boss thinks I'm actually going to work over time tonight.”

“Okay, so a pig walks into a bar.

A dog shouts "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a pig"?

The pig says "Can you pull down your pants?"

The bartender thinks a minute and says "Look, we don't serve pigs here."

The pig tosses back a whiskey and says "I bet a quarter I could hold this pencil between your ass cheeks and you'd laugh about it."”

“All right, a guy walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Look, you seem like a nice guy. Give me ten bucks and I'll make it worth your while."

The guy gets flustered and doesn't know what to say.

The bartender says "Hey. Why don't you get up on the bar and do the Hokey-Pokey?"

The guy says "You better pet him first, he looks mean."”

“So this midget walks into a bar.

A guy says "I'd grant three wishes to the next person who walks through that door to get a drink."

The midget takes a deep breath and yells "I'd love to #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

The guy gets close to the midget and says "Give me fifty bucks and I'll stick a cue ball in your mouth."

So the midget starts chanting "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"”

“U asked for it!”

“All right, a lady walks into a bar.

The bartender says "You owe me a dollar."

The lady says "Whatever."

A truck driver pounds on the bar and yells "I'm gonna give you oral pleasure like you wouldn't believe!"

So the lady yells "All right! Where's that girl with the loose tooth?"”

“All right, a kangaroo walks into a bar.

The bartender thinks a minute and says "What's it gonna be?"

The kangaroo takes a deep breath and yells "I'll bet anyone a dollar I can beat up everyone in the bar!"

A nun looks at the kangaroo and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to do anything you want, as many times as you want."

The kangaroo tosses back a whiskey and says "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"”

“So this duck walks into a bar.

The bartender shouts "Hey. Why don't you pull down your pants?"

The duck sits down and says "I'd love to #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

The bartender says "We don't see many ducks in here."

So the duck says "You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"”

“All right, a nun walks into a bar.

The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "Hey. Why don't you fly from here to the end of the bar?"

The nun leaves the bar and comes back in, three times.

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

The nun says "Moo."”

“ITS MARVIN,

dude, how's it hanging?

i miss you”

“Okay, so a drunk walks into a bar.

The bartender says "You owe me a quarter."

The drunk says "Whatever."

A bum sits down and says "Where's the bathroom?"

The drunk holds the bum over his Mai Tai and yells "Spit it out you bastard!"”

“Okay, so a guy walks into a bar.

A monkey takes a deep breath and yells "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a guy"?

The guy says "I'd love to go upstairs with you and show you more pleasure than you can possibly imagine."

The bartender says "See that kangaroo over there? If you nail your feet to the floor that kangaroo will #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

So the guy says "You're an #&%!$ when you're drunk, Superman."”

“Okay, so Marvin Gardens walks into a bar and sits down.

The nun asks him what he wants to drink.

Marvin says "Aluminum foil hat".

The cow says "We don't serve your kind in here."

Marvin says, "I wish I could do that."”

“In honor of Smarty Jones....

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"”

“3 guys walk into a bar; the 4th one ducks...”

“so what if it is not Friday
your going to laugh at this anyway!


http://www.lse.co.uk/media/pongfilm.htm”

“It's not Friday, mapes. ;-)”

“well DUH
go have fun dangit!!!”

“bump!”

“It's STILL not Friday, Mapes. ;-)”

“and your STILL not laughing!


oh maybe it was only funny to me, not like that would be the first time.
I amuse myself very offten...”

“It STILL isn't Friday.
8D”

“this hamster is killing
im in tears from laughing so hard...”

“strange sense of humor you have there Maple”

“LMFAO!!

Mapleleaf, your a nut!”

“How do you find these things?”

“It's Wednesday, at least in the U.S.”

“LOL from one of our very own

Marko you stepping up to the plate and admitting you sent them to me?”

“He sent them to me also. I forwarded them to the White House!”

“oh man this is so funny (well to me it is)
while trying to find a wheelbarrow for my compnay, I went to the Costco website

but they do not carry it.
but I did find this for treebeard...





http://www.costco.com/Common/CategoryMain.aspx?cat=20595”

“You won't take barley groats in payment, but you'll put your husband in a casket called "The Mother Casket"?

For shame.
last edited: 6/10/05 12:52:48 PM”

“LOL its the Norman Bates Casket”

“Casket?
I thought you were talking about the silk urn..

The Renaissance Urn Company offers a soft and comforting resting place for your loved one. These lightweight fabric urns are ideal for memorial services and scattering


Now THAT's funny!”