Friday funny thread

“Make me laugh!”

“Yikes- you scared em all away Phae!”

“I'm so bored.”

“LOL read a book :P


I am reading "Islands of Solitude- Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail" by Jim Manning right now.”

“What? NO FUNNY? I thought there would be something here!”

“A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's #&%!$ off.

Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl was just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden,the #&%!$ smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his nine-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few
minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"”

“LOL!”

“lol turtle”

“I just fell outta my chair!”

“no how is it that the "clinical" term for what you guys have that we don't have got censored out, but dick made it through? i guess because nobody (i hope) is named p**is”

“I was afraid this might happen.

Don't worry Phaedrus, Stratdewd will return one day...”

“careful free :)
glad i could oblige you all...”

“there's nothing wrong with that name Turtle ;o) - I saw a guy, obviously with that name, wearing a t-shirt with "Girls Love Dick" on it - may have to get one.... t-shirt that is”

“LOL!!!!

Very nice Turtle, very nice.”

“lol...ok I am just going to remain seated on the floor if you all keep that up”

“So I'm sitting at home when I hear some rumbling around on the roof. I got and look and there's a gorilla up there.

Hmm...

So I call the animal control and the lady tells me they've been looking for it since it escaped and they'll have someone right over.

About 10 minutes later a guy screeches to a stop in a zoo van, jumps out, grabs a ladder and the leash of a german shepherd. The dog looks up at the roof, licks its chops and sits quietly. The guy sets the ladder gainst the house and hands me a pistol.

"Listen, this dog is specially trained. I'm going up on the roof, and I'm gonna knock the gorilla off with this baseball bat. Then the dog will attack the gorilla and subdue it by biting its genitals until it submits. That's the plan, got it? good."

"wait," I say, "What am I supposed to do with this pistol?"

"Duh!" He says "If the gorilla should happen to knock ME off the roof, SHOOT that #&%!$ING DOG!!!"”

“lol phaedrus :)”

“Uhoh, I hope sarabelle doesnt see that one.”

“Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.



The first blonde said, "Easter is where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."



St. Peter shook his head and sent her to hell.



The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."



St. Peter once again shook his head a little harder this time.



The third blonde said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that commemorates the fact that Jesus was betrayed by Judas. The Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."



St. Peter said, astonished, "Very good!"



Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."



St. Peter fainted.”

“hmmmmmmmmmm... I've heard some of these jokes before, but they were from an alternate universe, <G>”

“I thought this was the Friday drinking thread.”

“Nothing funny about drinking. That's serious business!”

“LOL”

“Make you laugh?

Do you like French jokes?”

“Not biting, bacpac. We're being nice to each other today.”

“We are?

What is the fun in that?”

“Yeah bacpac, today everyone is NICE. Go to the group groping thred and find out :)”

“heh heh heh . . . .
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man
realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, to look out
the window and says "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts
back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures,...points to his eye, then points to his knee
....and finally makes a raking motion. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife finally understands and signals back. She first points to her
eye.... next she points to her left breast.....then she points to her
butt.... and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man
can even come close to understanding that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was
that?"

She replies, EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH”

“Good one bazooka joe”

“LOL!”

“i bet you're fun to play charades with spike :)

bazooka joe...i loved that. i found myself encouraging the baby...”

“have you guys seen the Heinekein Commercial..shows a bar..all of a sudden a midget walks in, then a priest, a nun, and a rabbi, it then pans over to a blonde(trying to open bottle upside down), a brunnette, and a redhead. It then shows 3 polish hockey players at the bar, a guy walks in with a duck under his arm, a blind guy, a devil messing with the blind guy, and then a horse walks in...the bartender looks at the camera and asks...what is this..some sorta joke?”

“"I am afraid the knockabout comedy of modern atomic physics is not
very tender towards our aesthetic ideals. The stately drama of
stellar evolution turns out to be more like the hair-breadth
escapades in the films. The music of the spheres has a painful
suggestion of -- jazz."

-- Arthur S. Eddington, Stars and Atoms, 1926.”

“What did he say?”

“I am afraid the knockabout comedy of modern atomic physics is not
very tender towards our aesthetic ideals. The stately drama of
stellar evolution turns out to be more like the hair-breadth
escapades in the films. The music of the spheres has a painful
suggestion of -- jazz."

-- Arthur S. Eddington, Stars and Atoms, 1926.”

“Oh, that clears it right up.

This is fun.”

“What's that got to do with the farmer's daughter, Tilt???


From Garrison Keilor:

All the moron jokes
All the polish jokes
All the blond jokes
Are being recycled as George W jokes”

“I don't explain jokes anymore. Either you get it or you don't.”

“Bazooka Joe, that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Thanks!”

“YOW!”

“An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but
it was very hard work.
His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
potato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried
the
BODIES.
Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Bubba”

“A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice
whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money,
go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and
ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing
happened. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your
house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the
voice, though he was very troubled by the event.

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he
came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice, he
became increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his
job, sold his house, gathered all his money and headed to Vegas.
The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him,
"Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he
set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table."
The man did as he was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put
all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for
chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good
luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched
the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number... 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."”

“Have you heard the one about the sidewalk?


It's all over town....”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a #&%!$, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can
find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet. --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne”

“ya'll are cracking me up!”

“What do you call two thespians in a canoe????



Fur traders!!! Thank you,,, Good night Cleveland!!!”

“huh?”

“A guy was in a bar talking to a girl. He was about to buy her a drink when she said, "Before you buy that drink, I just want you to know... I'm a lesbian."

"Oh really?", the guy says, "How are things in Beirut?"”