Men VS Women

“Snif Snif...you know...the Priest read that at my wedding.....”

“Hyway is either a very wise or very brave man. ;-)”

“Hey, even beatings from women can be pleasurable.”

“You know years ago my younger brother and his wife had the immense pleasure of hosting the mother of a friend of theirs for a weekend during a wedding.
The mother arrived on Friday Afternoon...and my brother who is a bit ...conservative (LOL)....was ordered to BE ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOR.

Friday they pick this woman up. She starts whining about the car (SUV) then she #&%!$es about the crowded highways (she is from LA???). In no time short my brother and his wife figured that this woman was in a permenant snit. Saturday morning bro cooks breakfast, she #&%!$es about the MEAT, and the COFFEE....the wedding is on Saturday and byt Sunday morning they are both ready to strangle her. She was supposed to be on a 4 PM flight but sitting at the breakfast bar having food they cooked she looked up from a story in the paper about some screw up in the White House (last Administration) and said,"Thats Whats wrong with this country...Men. They need a woman in the White House to REALLY CLEAN UP THINGS."

My Bro couldn't handle the pressure and it slipped out ...he looked up and said<" You mean like a MAID?"

His wife broke up over that. The woman stood up walked to her room, got her stuff, called a cab and went to the airport at 10:00 am to wait on her flight.”

“XL, i don't get it. of course the whitehouse needs maids, cooks, interns, cigar holsters, and other female occupations.

what's the problem?”

“God went down to Eden to see how Adam was getting on.
"What do you think of life Adam" said God. "Well" said Adam "It's quite hard work and a little boring and, well, just a little lonely too".
"Don't worry" declared God "I've been working on a solution to all these problems. I'm going to create a Woman. She'll wash and cook for you and she'll have sex with you whenever you want. Infact she'll do everything you can imagine".
"That sounds great" said Adam "but how much will this Woman cost me?"
"I was thinking an arm and a leg" answered God
"That sounds a bit steep what can I get for a rib"”

“dayhiker, are you saying the woman we got was from the low bid? ;-)”

“Thanks Sacco...you made my point.”

“God went down to Eden to see how Adam was getting on. He found him lying back on a grassy field with a huge smile on his face.
"So, what has made you so happy?" asked God.
"Well," replied Adam, "Eve and I just discovered what happens when we couple our bodies. It was incredible and I named it Sex."
"That's wonderful," said God. "Where is Eve now?"
"Oh, she went down to the river to wash up."
God frowned then said.
"Damn, I'll never get that smell out of the fish now!"
last edited: 6/21/06 3:19:05 PM”

“So this is the woman-bashing thread then?


Do you see how many chicks you attract when you start talking like this?”

“But Ruby, baby! I was just in here to tell the other guys to knock it off! I swear!”

“1. Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

2. What are a womans 4 favorite animals?
Mink in the closet, Jaguar in the garage, tiger in the bedroom and an a$$ to pay for it all.

3. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote between his toes.

4. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

5. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.”

“The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following

Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.



3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.



5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.



6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.



7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even rememberingyour buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.



8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.



9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.



10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.



11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.



12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.



13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.



15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.



16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.



17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.



20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man

While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!



22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.



23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.



25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.



27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.



28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.



29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each
is listed below:



"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"



"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
balls to say, "You're next!"



I hope this clears up any confusion,



The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.”

“Yeah, that pretty much covers it.”

“I’d like to amend rule 22:
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
If talking at the urinal one may only look at the wall in front of them unless zipping up. Under no situation may you look in the direction of the other man urinating.”

“Dude, you forgot to number every single rule #1 -- that's important. :D”

“the guts vs balls one is classic!

i knew a guy a while back that came home with a buddy at like 2 am, drunker'n cooter brown. He stomped into the kitchen and down teh hall and hollered at his wife - "Hey, wake up and fix us f'''n breakfast!". Which she did.

Then she walked to the table with two plates of eggs and sausage and dumped in the drunks laps and went back to bed.

true story - scouts honor - the wife told it and the husband just sat there nodding and laughing the whole time.”