April Fool's Day Funnies

“A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy father and thy
mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a
family) nswered, "Thou shall not kill."”

“A doctor was in the supermarket and as he went to sign a check for the food, he noticed he was holding a large rectal thermometer in his hand.
He said "Damn! Some butthole took my pen!"”

“...This is really too good to wait on

online confessional”

“Geraldo Rivera is an excellent reporter.

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!”

“Can't doubt his accuracy...”

“Your Penance

My child, go forth and say ten "Hail Marys" and ten "Our Fathers." And remember, based on your confession, the authorities are likely to contact you soon. Keep in mind that the sanctity of the confessional doesn't apply to Web sites, so don't even THINK about suing us!”

“i don't have a joke but I will get one of my kids today after school. I did like artexs' idea of the computer screenshot. (thanks artex for posting it).

Now I need an idea how to get my 12 year old!!”

“Where can you find a dog with no legs?








Right where you left him.”

“Lol, Phil.. Good joke. When Maple and I saw Gallagher, he told that joke to a 5 year old girl on stage using a turtle instead of a dog”

“I heard it this way:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him. He isn't going to come to you.


Then there is: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.”

“I was thinking
that women should put pictures
of missing husbands
on beer cans.

I was thinking
about old age and decided that it is
when you still have something
on the ball
but you are just too tired
to bounce it.

I thought about
making a movie for folks my age
and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have found at my age
going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.

I was thinking about
how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more
as they get older
- then it dawned on me -
they were cramming
for their finals!

You know
when people see a cat's litter box,
they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"

I' ve thought about those employment applications
and that blank that always ask
who is to be notified
in case of an emergency.
I think you should write . . .
Good Doctor!

I've always wondered
why they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do
.. . write to these men?
Why don't they just
put their pictures
on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could
look for them while
they deliver the mail?

I thought about being rich
and it don't mean so much
Just look at Henry Ford,
all those millions
and he never owned a Cadillac!

If you jogged backward .
would you gain weight?

I wonder
what you call a pocket calculator
in a nudist camp?

I wonder
if Adam ever said to Eve,
"Watch it!
There are plenty more ribs
where you came from!"

I have decided
is the VCR of our minds.

I have noticed
when you blow in a dog's face
he gets mad at you?
But when you put him in a car
he sticks his head
out the window!

Also:
You have to fight
to give a dog a bath,
yet they'll sit out
in the rain for hours on end.

I'm not into working out!
My philosophy:
No pain, no pain.

Have you ever noticed....
Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac?

I think the reason
most people play golf
is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.

I'm desperately trying to figure out
why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets”

“ Beware!!

dont say I didn't warn you”

“Damn you to hell, simer. :-P”

“Blow one off near Simer, will ya?”

“As a public service I am offering thios advise to those who click simers link. Hold down the enter key.”

“You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, The best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war”

“you can't say it was my fault you decided to click on my link, i told you not to, and on april fools day even? some people just aren't very smart, it even gives you a warning after you click on it... 'are you sure you want to continue?' and you blame me for your stupidity?”

“Ouch! Someone got the perfect bite on an April Fools post:

http://wilstar.com/holidays/aprilfool.htm/" target="_blank"> AMC Board ”

“'course the guy could have been trying to give the Fooler a laugh but keep others from being fooled.”

“simer, I resisted it at first, but it was too tempting once Artex posted LOL. If you hold down the enter key you can go thru that whole sequence in about 5 seconds.”

“pedxing, I don't think that links takes us to where you think it does. Inconcievable.”

“That's nothing, I saw one once that had an infinate loop of those boxes, so you would never reach then end. The only way to close I explorer was with a force quit.”

“Did Violin post it?”

“An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents
that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped
her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him."

very sweet....”

“Yer right hway... this is the correct link:

http://appalachia.outdoors.org/bbs/messageview.cfm?catid=3&threadid=2137" target="_blank"> Fooled!”

“1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - mu-moos
with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe
her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry
mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip
lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white,
and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red DelSol and heading
for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is
Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, and Ken's boat.
10.Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a
little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11.Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she
sneezes,forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick
and tired of Ken sitting on the floor watching the tube, clicking
through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this
year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included”

“Violin wants to meet John Ashcroft”