joke

“So this drunk walks into a bar.

A troll says "I'd stick a cue ball in your mouth to get a drink."

The drunk gets flustered and doesn't know what to say.

The troll says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a drunk"?

So the drunk stands up and says "You better pet him first, he looks mean."”

“You can pick your friends







You can pick your nose







But you cant pick your friends noses.”

“Can too!”

“haha you are all too funny!

OK heres a lame one my boy told me-

what do you call a row of bunnies jumping backwards?
















a receeding hare line.

sorry, i couldnt help it.”

“screw it :(”

“Baby Planes



A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"


The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to go up to the front of the plane and ask the stewardess.


So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"



The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, go tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, go have your mother explain that to you”

“mapleleaf, bad girl!”

“hahaha!! Good one!”

“ha”

“* giggle *”

“An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent tom interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his
progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events,in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land,Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that? "”

“why doesnt smoky the bear have any children?





















every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel
(credit to aussie)”

“I think that joke is pimp!


8)”

“LMFAO”

“I think I like Maple's and Gemini's jokes better.

yow.”

“its not very pc, i know. but it was told to me by a woman (or is that womyn?)”

“I couldn't tell ya.”

“Guy walks into a bar orders 10 shots

Bartender: Whats the occasion
Man: Celebrating my first Blowjob
Bartender: wow thats great!!!

Man slams down all ten in rapid succession.

Bartender: So you need another, it's on the house
Man: Nah if ten of them can't get the taste out I'm sure another won't help.”

“Dear Tide:


I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it
since
the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.
In
fact,
about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My
husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing
led
to
another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as
well.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't
come out. After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of
liquid
Tide
with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came
out
so
well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have
to
write a letter to the Hefty bag people”

“Anybody seen Treebeard lately?


(that BJ joke is a true classic, LOL)”

“Yah, but when guys tell it, it's usually only 3 or 5 shots.

Do women know something we don't?”

“I was about to say something, but these alarms started going off in my head ...”

“I thought I heard something...”

“This place is a minefield, LOL”

“i told the baby planes one to my boss and she now loves me. perhaps enough to look the other way this afternoon when i tell her that i'll have that power point document tomorrow, no later today, after all...”

“Whose the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
- the guy that can carry a dozen donuts AND two cups of coffee!

Whose the most popular girl at the nudist coloy?
- the girl who can eat the last donut!”

“I wouldn't think the donut guy would be that popular.

The hole in the donuts is not very big.

What is long and thin
Covered in skin
Red in parts
Goes in tarts ??





Rhubarb, what were you thinking!!”

“A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.”

“The truth be told at last......

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the small table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he
squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he
roars.

Mamma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you
two idiots? It was Mamma Bear who got up first, it was Mamma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Mamma Bear who made the coffee, it was Mamma Bear
who
unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Mamma
Bear who went out in the cold early-morning air to fetch the newspaper, it
was Mamma Bear who set the damn table, it was Mamma Bear who put the friggin cat
out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now
that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs and grace Mamma
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to
say this one more time...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****G PORRIDGE YET !!”

“lmao Smiley!”

“How to say "I Love You" in 25 languages....

English .. . . . . I Love You
Spanish. . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . .. ..... Je T'aime
German . . . . .lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . ... . Ai #&%!$e Imasu
Italian . . . . .. . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . Jag Alskar


Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Missouri, Mississippi, Montana,
Louisiana, Virginia,West Virginia &
Kentucky . . .... ...... ....... Nice Ass, Get in the truck”

“Worldwide Survey....

Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked
was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure......


In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.”

“Russian:

Я тебя люблю
”

“With all due pre-apologies to my catholic friends...

The priest in a village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the nuns and altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.”

“did you hear about the pirate who burnt his own ship down?









he was convicted of ARRRson.”

“Demographics

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people”

“???”

“You live in Memphis when:

1. You didn't know that anything but pork can be bar-b-qued.
2. You saw Elvis at Krispy Kreme.
3. You have never been to Graceland.
4. A 95 degree day with 85% humidity is a good day.
5. It only takes three rain drops to cause traffic to slow to a crawl.”

“groan...
"???"
stikmon
08:51:33 AM
09/09/03

sorry you didnt like it.”

“You live in the bootheel of Missouri when:

1. You drag a canoe or kayak down a dry creek bed for two days.
2. Your male dog humps all the other dogs on the trail.
3. You groan at Mapleleaf's jokes.”

“hee hee hee, the "Granola" part is the best!”

“Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" She cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice. "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far
away......................

"We're down here...."”

“Oh, it's gonna be one of THOSE days, ey? OK.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?










A: The sex is about the same but the dishes are backing up.”

“Subject: New Bra Invented


An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers more support and
prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a
large
group of men beat the #&%!$ out of him.”

“Some folks pay a lot of money to take Dr. Phil's test, but you can do it for free! Oprah took this test and she got a 38... It's very interesting, but don't be too sensitive about your results! The test is pretty accurate, and it only takes 2 minutes. Ready? Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) Black
c) Yellow or light blue
d) Green
e) Dark blue or purple
f) White
g) Brown or gray

9. When you're in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

Use this to add up your total points:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1


Check out your results:

OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should handle with care. You're seen as rather vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible,cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to friends and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.


If that didn't display right, you can also find it at:
http://www.jokemonster.com/c/jokes/jokes_138445.html

I scored a 43”

“Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic cop from Utah that got arrested?
A: He was handing out IUD's.”

“31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible,cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to friends and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

id say thats pretty accurate.”

“30 points here.”

“fussy plodder”