joke

“So Scrotchy is a selfish lover then? It's all about YOUR orgasm isn't it?! What about OUR needs?

Somebody hold me...”

“Come to mama,.. oh wait, you CAN'T!

moohahahhahahha”

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,
and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
attend
church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
what'd
you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."


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“TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling
me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about
it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God,
I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good,"
said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time
I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"”

“Cats, man, mentioning the holy name of Flora Macdonald in connexion with loose women is just not done up here. She was the heroine that disguised bonny Prince Charlie as her maid and helped him escape to Skye from whence he fled to France and then Italy.

It is also the name of our first woman Prime Minister up here (a Conservative who is dating a socialist from the New Democratic Party).

I'm not really serious, of course; there's no offence taken.”

“I just heard it this morning.


What do Kmart and Michael Jackson have in common?








They both have little boy's pants half-off.”

“Hahaha, that's a good one”

“st showed up in the e-mail. With this weekend's forcast I thought people could use a good

60 above zero:
Floridians turn the heat on.
People in New England plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian and English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it turns cold.

ZERO:
People in Miami die - or return to Cuba.
New Englanders close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians go to Mexico.
People in New England get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in New England get frustrated because "the caah won't
taaht".

275 below zero:
In the universe: all atomic motion stops. (Absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below zero
Far below, Hell freezes over.
In New England, Red Sox win the World Series.”

“A bunch of guys are sitting around in the pub, when one of them gets a call. It is his wife, calling from the hospital. He tells his drinking-mates... "my wife has just given birth to a twenty-five pound baby boy, next round is on me". His friends are amazed at the weight of the baby, but the new father says...that's not unusual, he's a good, healthy Canadien boy, no different than any other healthy Canadien baby boy. So the new dad buys a round and rushes out to see his new baby.
Three weeks later, new dad comes into the bar and his friends want to know how the baby is. They're wondering ..If the boy was 25lbs at birth, how much would he weigh now, three weeks later. Dad says "seventeen pounds". "What?! how come he weighs 17lbs now" asked the friends.
"He was just circumcised!"”

“I musta been in the pool.”

“Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children
>what their fathers did for a living.
>
>
>
>All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, farmer, doctor,
>lawyer, computer engineer, etc., etc. But Little David was being
>uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father's
>occupation.
>
>
>
>"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret. He takes off his clothes
in
>front of other men. Sometimes, if there's a really good offer, he'll go out
>to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
>
>
>
>The teacher, deeply shaken, hurriedly directed the other children to a
>project in their workbooks. She took Little David aside and asked him, "Is
>it really true, what you said about your father?"
>
>
>
>"No," said Little David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was
>too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."”

“what if he said "beaver" instead of "bush"? that might be less mortifying”

“yeah, I felt bad posting it...but it was funny anyway”

“Begging your forgiveness but I can't jokes from people who have beavers on their money. Wait they have the queen too, yes? Make that TWO beavers on your money! LOL!”

“gem that's a good joke!”

“Subject: Racetrack Field Trip


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh”

“LMAO....hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahah.........omg.....”

“LMAO....hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahah.........omg.....”

“oops......”

“Nobody ever call me well-endowed. That jockey one lucky guy.


I very sad.”

“LMAO Maple!”

“Haaaaaaaa. Funny”

“Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again!"”

“A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, but as soon as they saw the pastor the room quieted down, he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink”

“boy was it that bad?”

“Well, yes, but don't fret. Divinity's wasn't any better.”

“Divinty's was HILARIOUS!”

“Thanks :)”

“Lol you all are an easy crowd. If you thought those were funny I have a ton of jokes I should dig up that I never could get anyone to laugh at.”

“go for it Stick...I love classic jokes!!!”

“What do you get when you play a country song backwards??

You get your job back,your wife back ,your truck back and you get your dog back.

I know I know ,everybody has heard that one but its an oldy but a goody”

“A man walks into a saloon, sits down at the bar and pulls out a twelve inch pianist and a tiny piano which the pianist begins to play.

The bartender exclaimes: "Wow! Where did you get him?"

The man pulls out a lamp from his other pocket and explains its a magical lamp. Rub it three times and your wish will come true.

The bartender asks if he can try it to which the man says sure.

The bartender grabs the lamp and rubs it three times. All of a sudden the bar fills up with a million ducks.

The bartender exclaims: "WTF? I didn't wish for a million ducks?"

To which the man responds: "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"”

“A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”
stickmanwalking
11:37:09 PM
08/06/03”

“ba-dum-dum!”

“A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Florida seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves , whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them”

“That's so funny, I think I'm gonna barf...”

“Bit, can you take pictures and post them?”

“Yep...hang on”

“I've seen worse, lol...”

“ok thats it,

I have one husband up for sale.

any takers?”

“I dunno if that's legal, even in New York, maple.”

“for what?
selling your other half?

pp[iifffttt
who cares!
he goes to the highest bidder”

“sorry
last edited: 11/29/04 3:25:34 PM”

“sickos”

“A joke an Israeli once told me (it makes a good Parable).

A woman goes into a Kosher butcher shop on a Friday to buy a chicken to roast for the Sabbath. Shops are always busy on Fridays as people try to do business and scurry home before sunset. She takes a number and waits a while until her number is called.

"Give me a nice clean Kosher chicken" she tells the butcher.

The butcher wraps up a Chicken, weighs it and gives it to the woman. A while later, she reappears before the butcher and shouts angrily "this isn't a kosher chicken."

"All my chickens are kosher," says the butcher, "they are inspected under the supervision of Reb Lynievsky."

"Well his inspectors missed one because it stinks, it can't be Kosher."

The butcher picks up the chicken and puts it to his nose. "It smells fine to me, but you're the customer" he says, and hands her another chicken.

A while later she comes back and says, "Oy what kind of place are you running!? Can't you give me a chicken that's clean!? This one stinks to high heaven! Phew!"

This repeats itself several times, to the point that shop begins to empty as almost every one has headed back to the Sabbath. After about the sixth return, the butcher goes into the back room, slaughters a bird, defeathers it in the machine, washes it carefully and brings it out to her. "This, lady, I promise you is the freshest bird you have ever bought in a butcher shop!"

Moments later, she is back again, complaining about the horrible stench. "Ewww, what a stench" she whines as she drops it on the butcher counter.

This time, the butcher sees the problem: "Look lady, if the smell bothers you so much, keep your nose out of its ass!"”

“hahaha so gross!”