joke

“One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but
had
no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength
to cross this river." Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim
across
the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of
times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,give

me
the strength. And the tools to cross this river." Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the
river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of
times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he

also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength and the

tools-and the intelligence-to cross this river." And Poof!
God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a
couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge”

“yeah...dumb men.

:-D

hahahahahahaha!!!”

“LOL Yeah good one! :D”

“...whereupon 2 strong men promptly had their way with her.

...later that day another hiker heard cries for help. Investigating he found the naked woman tied to a tree.
"this is not your lucky day is it miss?" he said as he unbuckled his belt.

(fading banjo music)”

“hmmmmm, okay......

Anyhow, most of the women I know are not exactly Captain Cook when it comes to navigation ;op”

“Now that is more like it!”

“I hate having to break down my directions to people in terms of left turn, right turn, but most people give me weird looks when I say stuff like, "OK, now turn north onto the Parkway."

And just to prove that it's not always women, I was sitting in my truck at a stop light on the way home from work a couple of years ago, when some guys in another car waved at me to ask a question. Now, this was a clear, sunny afternoon, and the sun was already well on its way to being down. Their question? "Which way is north?" I wordlessly pointed in the correct direction.”

“i hope that post showed up in my Sarcastic Font!
;-)

what the hell is that, Manuka?? it's not funny, i'll tell ya that much.”

“Anyhow, most of the women I know are not exactly Captain Cook when it comes to navigation ;op"
ynamiynami
10:21:20 AM
04/24/03

I remember reading somewhere that a man can correctly tell you which direction north is 70% of the time, but a woman only 30% of the time.

Manuka, no offense dude, but that was in very poor taste.”

“I'm tempted to pull out the old here but will refrain. It's something about sheep not being able to cook...

I'll give ya this gem.

A guy walks up to a good looking, well dressed woman in a bar and begins his opening line when she spins around and says, “Look, I just want to screw someone. I don’t care how or where. I’ll screw ‘em at my house, their house in the park. I don’t care. I just want to screw someone.”. The guy stops in his tracks and says, “Hey! I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”.”

“i'm almost like a compass...I know where north is to a few degrees like clockwork..
i also have a weird habit when i move to a new place of lining up my bed in the same direction as i've had it since i was little.”

“This reminds me of watching "The Newlywed Game" and the question "Which direction does the sun set at your house, north, south, east, or west?" Always good for a laugh.”

“OPIE - That explains your magnetic personality. ;)”

“yea Opie, i just get these strange headaches and the only way to get rid of them is to travel west. Kinda strange.”

“Asylum


A psychiatrist gets a new job at an insane asylum, and he's making his rounds for the first time.
"What's your name?" he asks the first patient he meets.
"I am Napoleon!" the patient replies.
"How do you know that?" asks the doctor.
"God told me so."
"I did not!" yells a patient sitting nearby”

“blech!”

“fart!”

“huh?”

“you guys are nothing but a bucnch of wind bags.”

“Better not be in the area when I belch today, you know garlic bagel for breakfast.”

“I am ashamed that you posted a joke that makes fun of window-lickers. You are a bad, bad person.”

“then report to the

I am ashamed

thread.”

“A priest walks out of a rectory to find a young boy sitting on the sidewalk.
Priest: What are you doing there son.
Boy: Oh just shaking up an old bottle of turpentine and watching the pretty bubbles. You know father turpentine has got to be the strongest stuff in the world.
Priest: I have to disagree with you son. Holy water is the strongest stuff in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a baby.
Boy: Well I still think turpentine is stronger. If you place a drop of turpentine on a cat’s a$$ it will pass a motorcycle.”

“blech times 2!”

“Three men were to be executed by guillotine: a banker, a lawyer, and an engineer. With the local village priest on hand to offer up the usual prayers for the condemned, the banker was first in line. He steps up and has his head positioned on the chopping block, then the executioner lets the blade go ...but it gets stuck half way down. The priest proclaims that it must be a sign from God, and that the banker is innocent and must be immediately released. The banker is released. Next comes the lawyer. Same thing happens - the blade gets hung up and doesn’t complete its fall. Priest declares the same good fate for the lawyer, and he is also released. Lastly, it's the engineer's turn. He steps forward, looks up at the blade, and says to the executioner, "I think I see what the problem is."”

“tis true though....I never told that guy anything about being napoleon.

sheesh”

“Kathy had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Anthony.
She called the newspaper and asked, "How much to put an obituary in the paper?"
"The cost is 50 cents per word," said the newspaper editor.
"Fine, please print, 'Bubba died.'"
The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a 7 word minimum charge.
Kathy thought for a moment and said, "OK, then please print, 'Bubba died. 1983 pickup truck for sale.'"”

“Blech times 3!


Geeez, where's Buddy Hacket when you need'em?”

“A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts””

“I heard on TV this past weekend that 9 out of 10 women are battered.

That's so sad.

All of this time, I've been eating them plain.”

“Bad, le Sub, real bad.”

“Makes you wonder what you've been missing, doesn't it?”

“2 peanuts walk into a bar. They were assaulted.”

“I walked right thru a screen door yesterday....I strained myself.”

“The name of my attorney is Susan Jones. I sometimes refer to her as Sue the Lawyer.”

“LMAO Craig!”

“Will somebody please tell a joke?”

“sign behind bar:

"Our credit manager is Helen Waite. If you want credit go to Helen Waite."”

“This truck driver walks into a bar.

A midget gets close to the truck driver and says "Give me fifty bucks and I'll grant three wishes to the next person who walks through that door."

The truck driver says "I'm waiting for a lady."

The bartender says "See that lady over there? If you stick a cue ball in your mouth that lady will take you home and make love to you all night."

So the truck driver says "Just put it on my bill."”

“This monkey walks into a bar.

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

The monkey says "Are you kidding? I'm a monkey!"

The bartender sits down and says "Look, you seem like a nice monkey. Give me a twenty and I'll make it worth your while."

The monkey says "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"”

“Okay, so a genie walks into a bar.

The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "What's it gonna be?"

The genie orders a Martini.

A dog says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a genie"?

The genie sits down and says "I'm a frayed knot!"”

“So this rabbi walks into a bar.

A genie looks at the rabbi and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to do anything you want, as many times as you want."

The rabbi says "Can you get up on the bar and do the Hokey-Pokey?"

The bartender says "You owe me ten bucks."

The rabbi takes a deep breath and yells "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking!"”

“So this guy walks into a bar.

A pig looks at the guy and says "I know I don't know you, but I'd love to give you a night you'll never forget."

The guy says "Can you stick a cue ball in your mouth?"

The pig shouts "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a guy"?

So the guy yells "All right! Where's that girl with the loose tooth?"”

“So this blonde walks into a bar.

The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "Look, you seem like a nice blonde. Give me a hundred bucks and I'll make it worth your while."

The blonde says "I'd love to go upstairs with you and show you more pleasure than you can possibly imagine."

A priest cozies up to the blonde and says "For a dollar I'll #&%!$ you and anyone else you'd like to invite along."

The blonde shouts "I can't believe you thought I was a duck!"”

“This kangaroo walks into a bar.

The bartender says "See that priest over there? If you recite the Carmina Burana from memory that priest will do the mattress Macarena with you all night long."

The kangaroo says "I'd love to take you into the back room and give you the best sex of your life."

A guy sits down and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help noticing. Aren't you a kangaroo"?

The kangaroo thinks a minute and says "Sure, but don't hit me so hard with the hammer."”

“So this priest walks into a bar.

A blonde pounds on the bar and yells "Hey. Why don't you hold this pencil between your ass cheeks?"

The priest says "Whatever."

The bartender says "What's it gonna be?"

So the priest yells "Who the hell is Tony Blair?"”

“This monkey walks into a bar.

A backpacker cozies up to the monkey and says "For ten bucks I'll do you right here on the bar."

The monkey leaves the bar and comes back in, three times.

The bartender says "Look, we don't serve monkeys here."

The monkey tosses back a Martini and says "Wash your hands and get me a cheeseburger."”

“Marvin's on a roll again!”

“Okay, so a midget walks into a bar.

The bartender takes a deep breath and yells "See that duck over there? If you grant three wishes to the next person who walks through that door that duck will take you home and make love to you all night."

The midget orders a Manhattan.

The bartender thinks a minute and says "What's it gonna be?"

So the midget says "You have a drink named Eric?"”