Drugs, Alcohol and Children

“I would like to hear what folks out there think about the following situation/issue:

I am raising 3 teenage children. I understand that adolescents need to find their own path in life as they grow and develop and that sometimes that means that they will experiment with drugs and alcohol. No big deal to me as long as it doesn't become a habit. Marijuana, alcohol, etc. are not part of a healthy lifestyle for an adolescent. To me that's indisputable and since they are my kids I'm not about to debate that.
Adults should be free to do as they wish, as long as they don't affect others.

What I'm wondering about is this:

I have have relations who think that it's OK to smoke pot with their own kids and other's kids and have allowed my own son (15 at the time) to drink (a very small amount) of alcohol (whiskey). Definitely not the end of the world, but not the kind of thing I wanted introduced at that time and not by someone else other than me.
Do I think that this person is horrible, evil, etc.? Do I think that I'm superior to this person?Heck no ....he's a very good hearted person who otherwise is very good to my kids. I just think that it's bad judgement. He has not apologized and has not assured me that he wouldn't do that with my kids. I miss this person's friendship but I feel strongly that I need to put my kids first.

I've limited my kids exposure to this relation.

What would you do?”

“Jo, I'm not a mom, but I'd like to think I'd do the same thing you have in this situation. Limit their contact with this person, and make sure what contact they do have is supervised by you. You're right, your kids need to be first.”

“I've been in a similar situation with my own son and I made the same choice you did. He was restricted to spend time with these friends of mine only when I could be there also. It's tough when you have been disappointed by your friends. And these friends of mine (a married couple) had kids his age that he had grown up with. That made it even harder. Just stick to it though. It really is the right decision whenever you put your child first.”

“I think you made the right choice. I disagree that experimentation with drugs by kids is no big deal as long as it doesn't become a habit - adult behavior is another matter.”

“skullcap....this situation is very similar to your's. Our kids have grown up together too. It's hard to limit the contact because the person is otherwise a wonderful guy.

violin

the experimentation thing is a hard issue and I respect what you say. As a parent I'm in a tough spot walking a tightrope somewhere between condemnation and approval.

It's hard enough dealing with the influence of other kids (immature individuals). I would hope that adults would just be adults.

thanks

smiley girl

still got snow up there?”

“Sadly I don't believe that kids today have the chance to be a kid. The age of innocence keeps getting younger as today kids are getting forced in to early maturity by forces that are beyond their power.

You'll be hard pressed to find a 'Clever' style family nowadays. You really need to be your childs best friend something many parents I have a feeling don't try hard enough at because of certain factors.”

“Jo, I think it's a good decision. Newergirl is obviously not a teen yet, but I would hope to follow your decision making style when she is. As far as her father and I are concerned, a little "experimenting" can be the door to hell. It certainly has been for him and, only by the grace of God, was not for me.”

“Children will get enough exposure to these things anyway, without help from adults. I think you're right to keep a close eye on these relatives. It's one thing to accept the fact that children will probably do these things at some stage, and to handle it in the right way when it is discovered - to encourage it is a different matter.
The decision over the alcohol is your and not theirs Jo.”

“JO: You done good.

If I had a relative who thought carbonated beverages were wrong for their teenage kids - I would not give them carbonated beverages and when they came over, my kids and their kids would not have them. That's simple common sense and decency.

The fact that your relative is so attached to alcohol and pot that it overwhelms common sense, decency and respect for your parenting is worrisome. Why in the world should drinking and drugging matter that much?

Even if we forget about drugs and alcohol, there is a question of respect for a parent. Even if your relative thinks your ideas are nuts, your relative is getting in between you and your kids by actively going against how you choose to raise your kids.

Add to that there is good evidence that marijuana is not good for developing brains and there is a huge amount of very important brain development going on in adolescence.”

“Ped has a good point Jo. If they feel that strongly about using, then they may have a bit of a problem w/ it. I wouldn't want that person teaching my kids about alcohol use. Chances are, they aren't going to teach them how to use it in a healthy manner.”

“JO we have been through this with my 17 year old just recently. We found out he was smoking pot and limited the contacts that he was having...thought that was over but then he ventured into other areas. (is a long story) He seems to be getting his act together but you just have to do your best as a parent and try to stear them in the right way. Ultimatly it is their decision. You are doing good..hang tough!”

“Thank you. I will hang in there and like Tom Petty sings........... " and I won't back down".”

“Boy you're naive, JO. If you think smoking pot is the worst of your kid's transgressions, you're too stoned be a parent.

Why do people like Jo insist on breeding.”

“What's the gestational period for trolls, anyway?”

“You misspelled baiter, master!”

“I can't say for sure what I would do if in the same position. I know what I think I would do. I think I would do just what you did, except, I would inform the relative that if it EVER happened again, I would call the police and, since their kids were involved too,I would consider Child Protective Services (or whatever it's called in your neck of the woods).”

“master hiker

a. it feels good
b. to populate the earth with intelligent people to offset your spawn.

I never said that smoking pot would be the worst of their transgressions. In the grand scheme it's minor but it's still my call and not anyone else's.

vc2

I have.”

“Would you let your kids drive 90 MPH down a city street as a way to learn to drive?

Kids will do things they know their parents disapprove. They will do it more if you give them permission -- tacit or otherwise. At least make them do these things by sneaking around and feeling guilty about it. That gives more more to talk about when you have the frank discussion about their activities -- "Why do you still do it if it makes you feel guilty and you have to hide it?"”

“This is your kid! Report the jerk who is contributing to his delinquency to the police.”

“If they are not willing to honor your request regarding your kids...are they really your friends?”

“I learned alot in my life.My Mom brought me up well.I did do drugs and did drink but when I got to the 28 I just gave it all up.I think there is a limit on how much should be told to kids.The bad thing is that they think they can do all the things that we do and to them thats ok or worse they don't even think about it.In the world today I think it is very hard to be a young person.So many people to say so many things to you........Do thins do that listen to this and that...You sometimes give in and other times you don't.Kids can be very good on putting on a front and if the Mom & Dad don't ask questions then well thats just it.

Try to raise them the best you can and teach them what you think is right and wrong.After that it is up to them becuase by the time a child is 12 years old they at least in my mind can say yes or no and make some choice's on there own.

8|”

“A lot of people in my age group basically grew up "under the influence" and don't have any problem sharing what substances they have with their kids and their kid's friends (translation: your kids). They don't see anything wrong with it. Our best friends' son spent time in jail after be caught with pot he got from his friend's parents.

Not all teen agers are the same. Some are very easily influenced by others and if you know you have a child like that then it is your responsibility to make sure they are not put in harm's way. The biggest troubles my kids have had were with people we thought we had checked out or we trusted and they just got sucked in.

Some examples of things your child can get in trouble for by just being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people (besides sex, drugs, and alcohol): curfew violation, shoplifting, trespassing, vagrancy, car accident, jaywalking (my daughter's friend was killed jaywalking with a group of friends), and pornography (e.g., internet).

Any time your kid is "sleeping over" with a friend or relative, if you don't know EXACTLY where they are and EXACTLY who they are with, you can almost bet they are at risk.

Our policy finally became: "If you call up from someone's house and ask if you can sleep over, you are grounded for a week for just asking." (All sleepovers had to be arranged in advance between adults).

Gawd, I'm getting worked up just re-living all this.

Oh, yes. Your kids copy you more than anyone else (good or bad). My oldest three children and I have had some interesting discussions now that they are adults. What we said to them meant very little compared to our actions.

OK. I'll stop now.”

“What do I know? Not much. But what do y'all think about the correlation between kids being involved with sports and drug/alcohol abuse? The more involved kids are with sports, the less likely they'll do drugs/drink.”

“Artex - Nothing is fool-proof, but if a kid is involved with sports, Scouting, drama, music or other activities, they have less time to get involved with alcohol and such. What I noticed was that those kids found more ways to have fun that just trying to figure out how to get their hands on a beer.

With our kids, the role models of their coaches, etc., seemed especially important (their language, morals, honesty, etc.) in keeping them on track.”

“I don't find that true Artex. And I find that when a parent pressures there kid to play sports (i.e. forces them to play sports) the more they look to rebel through drugs/drinking. Most of the jocks I knew in high school were bigger potheads/alcoholics than any other group. Keggers after games, go out and celebrate a win by getting messed up. In my personal experience there's never been a connection between less drugs more sports.

JO
I agree with those who say you done good. Kids these days are growing up way too fast and the things you disapprove of they'll do anyway, but at least they'll feel guilty doing it. Don't be too hard on them if they're caught, if you raised them right they'll beat themselves up more about it than you ever could. Just make sure you lay down some punishment and say don't do it again. The problem is they'll find ways to do whatever you disapprove of, just don't make it any easier.

My 2 cents.”

“100% honesty with everyone (even kids). Tell the kid what's one your mind. My girlfriends son is 15 and I have told him about times when I've experimented with stuff. I've also told him about the times I had to go bail friends out of jail.
Me personally, I think drinking alochol, doing drugs, and smoking is one of the dumbest things to do to yourself. I'm proud to say what little of the stuff I did of that in my past has remained in the past.
I don't have to badmouth smoking, drugs,& alochol. He's seen it screw up peoples live first hand. If he does ever try any of it, I won't look down on him for testing it. I think he's smart enough to realize the missery it can cause and that a person can still be cool (like me) and leave it alone.”

“As a parent of childern, I would of had the person arrested for that. Friend or not. What would happen next? Bad habits should not be encouraged at any age. The fact that they are your kids is more of a reason to teach them respect for themselves about matter's such as this. Drinking at that age is not a good idea. Even if you think otherwise. Using bad judgement as a parent in this topic can cause a lifetime of problems.”