Need a joke please..

“Ok, it's not a very good Friday in my neck of the woods, so I'm looking for a good joke..
any good ones left?”

“I assume the dirtier, the better?”

“Well, there were these three guys trying to cross the creek, see, and ...


Oh, ... Never Mind”

“I got no jokes for ya..


But do you all remember that website with the "mindreader" thingy? You choose a number, add the digits together, subtract it from the original, find the cooresponding symbol, and somehow the crystal ball knows what symbol you're thinking of? How does that work? Did anyone figure that out?”

“Remember - you have the right not to read this post.




A man was charged with having sex with a goat. The man didn't have enough money to hire the best lawyer in town, so he hired another lawyer who was famous for picking a sympathetic jury.

During the trial, the next door neighbor was recounting how she saw her neighbor having relations with the goat under the light of a full moon. She recounted that when the man had finished, the goat turned around and gave the man a big kiss right on the mouth.

At this testimony, the man and his lawyer turned to look at the jury to see their reaction. Just at that moment, one of the jurors turned to one of the other jurors and said, "A good goat will do that."”

“smiley it worked by simple math”

“Can ya explain it to me? Someone here got it yesterday, and the whole group of civil engineers can't figure it out. (Makes ya feel really good about your water supply now, doesn't it???)”

“A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie." She slaps his face and asks, "Now, would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says, " I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."”

“There once was a lady from Hooters
Who came upon many young looters
She tied them all down
And danced around
And rubbed her boobs in their snooters”

“ASK THE RABBI
by Rabbi Yossi Howhidozit

Q: Is it permissible to take Viagra on the Sabbath?

A: There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take
Viagra on the Sabbath. Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath lest one violate the law that forbids erecting a structure (bon-eh) on the Sabbath.

However, Beit Hillel does not read it as "bon-eh" but as "bon-er" and
permits the ingestion of Viagra on the Sabbath. The ingestion of
Viagra (known in Hebrew as "Yeshurun" or the straight one) is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the kids are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.


Q: What bracha (blessing) does one say before taking Viagra?

A: There is a choice of four blessings:

1) Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree.

2) Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim - prayer to staighten those who are bent.

3) Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo - arise and come.


4) Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim - prayer to raise the dead.”

“That was my former brother-in-law. I actually heard him order the Quick Lorraine, once.”

“what's the website smiley?”

“Followed by the boruch atah shalom?”

“Clem and Flem were sitting on their porch in Appalachia, trying to pass the time.


Clem says, "How 'bout we play 20 questions?"


Flem asks, "How d'ya play that?"


Clem says, " Well, I think of somethin' and ya have to guess what it is by askin' me questions. Ya get 20."


Flem says, "Awright, let's go."


Clem thinks for a minute, then writes down "Horse Dick." "Go ahead," he says.


Flem asks, "Can ya eat it?"


Clem says, "Well....I guess so.. sure, you could eat it."


Flem says, "Is it horse dick?"”

“i heard that one as a W joke!”

“Smiley - it is kinda pathetic that no one got it, it is really so elementary. I'm trying to remember the details, but it had to do with basic properties of numbers (like that the digits of any two digit number will be the same as that number - 9, for example 56 - 9 = 47, 5 + 6= 11 and so does 4 + 7) if I had the site I could tell you quickly.”

“A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer. They came to a stretch of open country and noticed a hangman's noose hanging from a tree. The judge turned to his companion and jokingly said: "Parsons, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you would be?"
"Riding alone," came the quick reply.”

“lol Tar!”

“All the moron jokes, all the Polish jokes, and all the blond jokes are being recycled as Dubya jokes.
--Garrison Keilor”

“good grief, Violin! :-D

this thread is just asking for trouble...”

“The trick is that the number is always 9.”

“Sorry I went one extra step... the new number is always one where the two digits add up to nine.

So you will see that the chart always has the same symbol for 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72 and 81.”

“Maybe Marvin will stop by with the latest results of his joke scramblin device. That's always a hoot.”

“I'm anxiously awaiting an appearance by Marvin Gardens!”

“Geobeet”

“A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great.

The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great."

The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"

The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."”

“What do you get if you have an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?




















Someone who lays in bed all night wondering if there is a dog.”

“Ped, we got that far, but how does it know which symbol you'll choose?”

“AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“I love the old one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his sould to Santa.”

“I love the old one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his sould to Santa.”

“see and I proved I have a problem myself :o)”

“basic minds...easiest to confuse and fool.”

“A man walks into a bar and sits down for a drink. The woman sitting next to him couldn't help but notice the sad look on his face as he orders a drink. She proceeds to ask him "What's wrong"

"My wife left me," the man replies.

"Oh, that is so sad, I am sorry to here that," says the woman. "Why did she leave you?"

"Well, to be honest, she said that I was too kinky."

The woman then says "Well, you won't believe this, but just last year my husband left me, for the very same reason. What do you say we finish these drinks, head back to my place, and see what happens?"

The man agrees, And when they get back to her place, she tells him to make himself comfortable and proceeds to the bedroom. She decides to make the best of it, and pulls out her finest kinky outfit. Black leather boots that go to her knees. Crotchless panties, and a bustier in black patent leather. A spiked collar and long black gloves. She ties her hair back in a tight pony tail, grabs her whip and heads for the door.

As she walks out she sees the man just opening the door to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to have some fun."

The man replies , "I already #&%!$ed your dog and took a dump in your purse. I'm out of here."”

“Now that was funny V!”

“LOL! That one should go in the santorum thread!”

“yup. That qualifies.”

“A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and
the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"”

“Good Husband Wanted!
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad
smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?”

“My sister in law wrote that her husband got her a mood ring so he could tell how she was feeling.

When she's in a good mood it turns green.

When she's in a bad mood it makes a big red mark on her husbands forehead!”

“TO paraphrase --

Whaddya looking here for . . .the joke is between Treebeard's legs!!!”

“One of Saddam Hussein's assistants bring his body doubles into a room after the US bombing of his compound.

"I have some good news and some bad news," he says.

"The good news, Saddam is still alive." The bad news is that he lost his arm in the attack."”

“What smells worse than an anchovy?










An anchovy's cunt.”

“Uh-oh. I was sure the censor would scramble that one.”

“lmao, I wondered how that got in too”

“you bad bad man”

“Dunadan's gonna really have a field day when you get banned, dude.
;-)”

“I am kinda tempting fate today... I guess.”