Need a joke please..

“Yep, I'm suprised that word didn't get censored.”

“I just translated it in my mind. Can't wait to tell at our Friday afternoon social. About 60% of our teaching staff are women. Thank God for medicare.”

“smiley girl..watch the symbols..the symbols change each time the page changes”

“this one had me cracking up.

a pirate walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "hey, you know you have a steering wheel stickin' outta your drawers." The pirate says "Aye, its driving me nuts"”

“An elephant is walking in the forest when she gets a thorn stuck in her foot. A passing mouse hears her cries for help and comes to ask what is the matter.

"I have a thorn in my foot," said the elephant, "and I will do anything if you can get it out."

The mouse says, "Will you let me #&%!$ you?"

The elephant, who figures she won't feel it anyway, says, "Sure." So the mouse pulls the thorn out of the elephant's foot, climbs up on her back, and starts banging away. The elephant, of course, feels nothing.

Some monkeys who happen to be swinging by notice this mouse humping this elephant, and they start laughing hysterically. Then they start heckling and throwing coconuts at the elephant. One of the coconuts hits the elephant right in the head.

"OW!" screams the elephant.

The mouse yells, "That's right! Take it all, #&%!$!"”

“Man, I heard the best snap the other day but I'm hesitant to let 'er fly here. It's not even really a joke but it's one of those insults that make ya go, EEEWWWWW! but it comes out sounding wierd because ya say it through laughing fits. OK, if you're easily offended look away....















"That slut is so skinny if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese!"”

“A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Boston."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Boston?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "”

“One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers... our son-in-law!"”

“Okay. If no one laughs, I'll be forced to post something tasteless.”

“hoo-hoo! that was great!

and Violin, you are a naughty boy.”

“Smiley - that is all there is to it - it always has the same symbol for all of the numbers you can possible end up with (9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81 - those are the only numbers you can possibly end up with and they all have the same symbol).

The way to understand it is if you take any number... say "43", you will subtract another number say "7." If you take the next lower number "42" you will suntract the next lower number from what you subtracted before, in this case "6". 43 - 1 = 42, 7 - 1 = 6. 43 - 7 = 36 and so does 42 - 6 = 36. For all the 40s, the number is 36, for all the numbers in the 50s, the number is 45 and so on.


Probably if I had more time or was less tired, I could explain it better.

G'night!”

“Violin... you ermind me of the time I met the Secretary for Public health in Arkansas. He was vry proud of their new safer sex campaign. As he explained, "We put a big red X on the back of all the animals what kick."

They mark a big red X on the”

“After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/sister didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest buck around, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in my beer can next to my ear is gonna fix me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee and Mississippi.”

“Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, your breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm MARRIED!!"”

“A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
"handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, ³How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, ³How about $50?"



The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she
might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"

The man replied, "She should; she's standing on it. Do you think she's
dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blonde joke
emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”

“Another TTer sent this to me and I couldn't resist. Thank you, you know who you are.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY ONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

Wy don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this #&%!$..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.”

“Good, Skully.”

“ROTFLMAO!”

“The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth, you have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver, women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting, fishing, and all night making love to women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."”

“A woman goes into a drug store, and tells the pharmacist that she would
like to buy some strychnine.

The pharmacist asks her what she wants the strychnine for. She replies
that she needs the strychnine to poison her husband.

The pharmacist tells her that he couldn't possibly sell the strychnine to
her under those conditions.

The woman then presents a photo of her husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist exclaims,
"OH!!!"..."I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION?!?!?"”

“Skully - that was freakin' funny! LOL

... a speech imdpediment... LMAO
Yankee... LMFAO

Ah, a big belly laugh in the early morning is a great way to start the day. Thanks, skully!”

“http://community.webshots.com/photo/12885864/12885932gcdLYuXATN

Cut and paste it ya lazy no good frickin'....”

“It's really a shame about that typo! LOLOL!”

“Now that's a spelling error!”

“LOL, a prescription!!!!”

“Tigger Woods drives up to a restarunt to have lunch.
He gets out and goes to his table. But as he goes to sit down, 2 tee-s drop out of his pocket.

The waiter asks him "what are they for?"

Tigger answers " well they are for resting my balls on while im driving"

The waiter say " oh Lord, Jesus, my goodness, them Mercedes-Benz car dealers think of everything"



(sorry for the bad spelling, but had to type fast so i would not forget the joke)”

“Yogi Berra Qoutes

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it."
--
When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere
else."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live
in
New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do,
where
would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't
enough in the second half you give what's left."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign,
after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still
hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to
spell my
name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don
Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the
acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and
if it
keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that
I'm
not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't
come to yours."

more
Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but
we're making great time!"

" I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a
bag on it's head."

"In baseball, you don't know nothin'."

"How can you think and hit at the same time?"

Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that
before he died"

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"

Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you
don't look so hot yourself."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I
save postage stamps ? Not me."

"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there."

"Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin."

"It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking
too much."

more
found this on the net, don't laugh too hard:

"Never answer an anonymous letter"

" I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"

" When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "

" I didn't really say everything I said "

" You can observe a lot by watching "

When asked what time is was......" you mean now?"

At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947 " I want to thank you for making
this day necessary"

" If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be "

Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs "

" If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going
to stop them "

On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made to many wrong
mistakes"

" The future ain't what it used to be "

" It gets late early out here"

and the last one:

Yogi on golf:

75% of all putts left short, don't go in the hole!

I love that guy!!!!”

“they start off a little slow but get better....

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas”

“From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed thecar in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.”