kill your husband

“~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For Girls Only Parties Newsletter

June 2003
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Travelers
-- The Eulogy
-- MARRIAGE
-- Fourth Article Headline
-- Poems
-- AOL can Appreciate
-- Can You Kill Your Husband
-- Go Figure
-- Are You An American?
-- Can You Say This When You Are Drunk?
-- Could Not Happen To Nicer People
-- Is It True What They Say?

Dear Dawn,

Have A Million Dollar Weekend!

Travelers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention, please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."




The Eulogy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Eulogy She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to Go forth and multiply. In his eulogy, the preacher said, Lord, they're finally together. Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, Is he referring to her first, second or third husband? The neighbor replied, I think he's referring to her legs.


MARRIAGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARRIAGE (PART I) A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II) A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Fourth Article Headline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARRIAGE (PART III) A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!" MARRIAGE (PART IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

MARRIAGE (PART V) A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Poems
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POEMS FOR THE SOUL-------------------------------- ----- ------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------ These are pretty realistic. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, cause I was pissed.======== Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl' empty and so is your head.---------------------------- - I thought that I could love no other, Until, that is, I met your brother.---------------------- -- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot, This describes everything you are not.---------------- ----- I want to feel, your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off of your face.-------- ------- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!-------------------------- ---- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you, screwed up my life.---------------------- -------- I see your face, when I am dreaming, That's why I always wake up screaming.--------------- ------------- My love, you take my breath away, What have you stepped in, to smell this way.---------- ------------------------------------------- My feelings for you, no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell".------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------ What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.




AOL can Appreciate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a guy who was mowing his lawn when he noticed his next door neighbor (a blonde) kept on running outside and checking her mail. He noticed she kept on doing it over and over. So he thought, "The next time she runs out here I'm gonna stop and ask her why she keeps on doing that!" So she did it, and he asked her. And she replied, "I just got a new computer, and it keeps on telling me,... You've Got Mail!"


Can You Kill Your Husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girl friends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any day." Needless to say! , every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"”

“Chili... RUN”

“lmao”

“I'd say something witty here, but I've needled Mrschili enough today...”

“When Matt puts you in time out by blocking this ISP address, it won't be funny.

Of course I can still dial out from my office by you, darlin, are going to be offline.”

“Chili, just give up and run towards the flame.”

“A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!””

“lol at Mr & Mrs. Chili”

“So everyone at the bar was a taxidermist? I don't get it.”

“Too funny!!!”

“Cowboys mount animals. maybe they were cowboys.”

“wonder if Newgirl is a taxidermist”