Anyone have any good jokes?

“I need a laugh...

funny jokes and/or stories gladly accepted”

“what do you call it when an ant kills another ant?






















Pesticide!





What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley Davidson?












































The placement of the dirtbag!”

“lol!

keep them rolling...”

“Whats the difference between a Liberal and a bucket of dog crap...











The bucket.”

“sniffing after them toes again ah TPM?”

“Phagdrus walks up and sits down at the bar.

'What can I get you?' the barman asks.

'I want six shots of whisky,' responds Phagdrus.

'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'

'Yeah, my first blowjob.'

'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'

Phagdrus says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

“It's even funnier when you insert TPM in place of "phagdrus"”

“Good jokes, Sass! As for the others, some that aren't pre 20th century might get a laugh or two...”

“that's it? no more funny haha?

well, this stinks”

“< ahref="http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm">Beer Joke”

“Horny woman is grocery shopping and decides its time to seduce the bag boy.

As she wheels out the cart she says to him,
"Boy, I got me an itchy pU$$y!"

Bag boy says,
"Ma'am, you're going to have to point that out to me, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."”

“sorry Twinkle, Packman peed in the pool again.”

“> SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY
>
> 1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
> Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
> 2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> 3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
> baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
>
> 4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
> than the other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> 5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
> at half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> 6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
> Because they're not going to work in the future either.
>
> 7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each
> arm?
> A pimp.
>
> 8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the
> car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
> 9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
> zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
> the cage, along with a recipe.
>
> 10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F
> word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!
>
> 11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
> southern fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
> #&%!$..."
>
> 12. My, my, how time have changed.Years ago...When 100 white men
> chased
> 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
> Today we call it the PGA TOUR.
>
> 13. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.”

“A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears.



Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the
top shelf along the wall.



The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.



She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.



After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"



The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."”

“well #10 was good anyway.”

“wow TPM actaully had some funny jokes...thanks.”

“that's all you deserve for now.”

“Lmao! I like the teddy bear one.”

“A farmer is arrested on charges of bestiality and
thrown in jail. "Don't worry," says his court-appointed
attorney, "I know how to pick a good jury."

When the trial starts, the farmer's neighbor testifies
that he saw the farmer mount a goat, and that after
climaxing the goat turned around and licked the
farmer's balls.

The farmer cringes in his chair as intense muttering
breaks out among the jurors.

"Quiet!" admonishes the judge. "You're not supposed
to talk to one another until deliberation."

"Sorry, your honor," says the jury foreman. "We were
just saying how a good goat will do that."”

“#9 got a giggle”

“Mountin' goat?”

“ewwww - funny though”

“TinyPeckerMan is a funny joke!”

“okay folks - need more jokes and stories here....”

“How much does a pirate have to spend to get his ears pierced?





A buck an ear.





What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?



Dam!





What do you call a row of rabbits taking a step backward together?



A receding hare line.”

“Q. - What do you call a woman with no arms or legs proped up against a wall?


































A. - Eileen”

“Q. - What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms or legs proped up against a wall?


































A. - Irene.”

“LMAO, Buddur!!


A 90 year-old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, my 18 year old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of his gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot, and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible. Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly my point."”

“Two senior citizens are sitting in the activity room of an old-folks home and the old woman says to the old guy, "I bet I can tell you how old you are."

"No, you can't," he says.

"Stand up," she says. He does.

"Now, drop your pants." He does

"Turn around," she says. He turns around.

"You're 82!" she says.

"That's right!" he says. "How did you know that?"

"You told me yesterday."”

“Good one Tarabull!!!!!!”

“How come the pirate kid couldn't get into the movie?








It was rated Arrrrrrrr!”

“The chicken and the egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smiling and smoking a cigarette, but the egg is upset. She mutters to herself, "Well, I guess we answered that question."”

“tarabull - People have been trying to resolve that for years! Thanks for your contribution to the world of science.”

“What do you get when you cross a dyslexic,insomniac and a agnostic??

someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.


Whats the diference between a lawyer and a dog

well the lawyer wears a suit ,the dog just pants.

2 eggs and a sausage walk into a bar and the bartender says Sorry but we dont serve breakfast here.

Whats the diference between Pamala anderson and the Panama canal?

well ones a busy ditch!

Streamweaver”

“one day a man goes to the doctor and says..."Doc i got an orange pecker what the hell is wrong with me...the doc says well "how is your stress level?" "OK, but i recently lost my job...i dont think that has anything to do with it though"
doc says" well hows your sex life?"

"OK, but i recently got divorced"

Doc says"oh and let me guess that has nothing to do with it either..?? Well what exactly have you been doing then?"

the guy says, "NOTHING! I mean nothing.... well besides sitting around watching porn eating cheetos and jacking off, but that aint it either DOC"”

“the joke I heard at an engineering conference from a Chinese professor:

What do you call a deer that is blind?








No idea.




What do you call a dear that is blind with no legs?







Still no idea.



(Well, it worked at the conference)”

“A guy is walking down the boardwalk and sees a woman with no arms and no legs just crying her eyes out. He asks her what's wrong and she says "I've never been hugged" so he hugs her. She keeps crying and he says "Now what's wrong?" "I've never been kissed" so he kisses her. He notices she's still crying so he says "What now?" "I've never been screwed" So he picks her up and throws her into the ocean, and says "Now you're screwed"”

“A woman was way out in the country when she began feeling the contractions and new she was going into labor

well her husband tried every place he could think of there wasnt a doctor to be found

finally he raced over to the nearest neighbor ,a farmer who lived down the lane to ask if he knew of a doctor or midwife close by that they could get ahold of in a hurry.

well ol farmer ted says ,I dont recon theres a doctor nor midwife any nearer to here that a couple hunert miles. But shoot ive been a farmer all my life ,why ive birthed every kinda critter you could think of,horses,cows,dogs how much difernt could a it be to birth a hooman baby?!

so without any other option the man and his wife decide to go ahead and let ol farmer ted deliver the baby.

The wife was in there with ol farmer ted for what seemed like hours to the poor nervous husband .he just paced back and forth so much he almost wore a path across the yard. finally out comes ol farmer ted and the husband not being able to contain hiself any longer asks well ted how did it go ?? Ol farmer ted says ,well the delivry went smooth as silk but I had a devil of a time gittin her to eat the afterbirth!!”

“I think thats suposed to be no idear”

“A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go about it. His neighbor volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy to bring them over in the pickup the next day. In the afternoon when he went to pick them up, the city boy asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was told to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked. The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed for the neighbors. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them. On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell are the pigs today?" Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down in the truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"”

“A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband.

It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.

There is, however, a catch.

You're only allowed in once.

Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor.

If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the ! door says:


Floor 1:

These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign.

"Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:

Floor 2:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:

Floor 4:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?"

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5:

This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping.

Have a nice day!”

“That's the way women talk in Georgia... who are 85 years old, LOL”

“Cute joke, Gem! :)”

“i thought it was cute.”

“2 peanuts walk into a bar—one was assaulted

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything”

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says “Give me a beer and one for the road”

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have 5 #&%!$es.” The doctor says “How do your pants fit?” Reply: “Like a glove””

“Two cannibals are eatin' a guy.

One says, "Are you having a good time?"

The other, "Yes, I'm havin' a ball!"”

“hehehe!”

“good grief! some of you have misread the title, i do believe. LOL!
;-)”

“Yeah, Maple bought a kayak and it was ONLY $450.”