Anyone have any good jokes?

“This was told to me by my niece.

What is brown and sticky?

















A stick.”

“Simple but cute!!! :)”

“heheh I guess the joke is on me.


still love me Mr. Treebeard??”

“Yes. Now when do I collect?”

“CD, I don't get it?”

“Make it a little simpler for Kayak Brain over here...”

“Sticks are, well......... sticky. Sort of.”

“A pirate walks into a bar and says “Arrrrrgh….give me a rum!”. The bartender pours the drink, walks back over to the bar. He is shocked to see that the pirate has a steering wheel sticking out of the fly in his pants. “Excuse me” said the bartender, “did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”. “Aye, matey” said the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts!””

“heres a good joke....

my job,
car,
home,
government,
the gas prices,
cardinal law,
peace, love, handgrease and
sticky bed sheets....”

“what do you call two skunks who are 69ing?














odor eaters”

“Good one, Ewk!”

“what color was the ground at Custers Last Stand?
















white, the Indians kept coming and coming and coming”

“So a #&%!$ walks into a bar

the bartender says #&%!$ #&%!$ #&%!$, you #&%!$

The #&%!$ looks surprized and says #&%!$ #&%!$ #&%!$ #&%!$ !!”

“Great #&%!$ing joke, you #&%!$ing #&%!$!”

“#&%!$ #&%!$ that makes me laugh so #&%!$ing hard I almost #&%!$ my pants!”

“Why did the blonde have bruises all around her belly button?













Her boyfriend was blond too.”

“CLOCKS IN HEAVEN

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood
in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that
one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan."”

“AFTER LIFE

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife... Their biggest fear being that there really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go &, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat & watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude ... Maude ... " "Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room, & the voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked, & John said, "Well, I get up in the morning & I have sex. Then I have breakfast, & after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for awhile & then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner, I have sex until late at night ...& the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!" Not exactly," John said ..."I'm a rabbit somewhere in Idaho

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. "”

“Joke, but mostly true.

You know you're from Upstate, NY when:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2."Vacation" means going to the St. Lawrence River or Lake George.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You use a down comforter in the summer.

7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and berries.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at convenience mart at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all our friends from Upstate, NY”

“At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a
fond good night, and leaves. LouAnne is set to go to sleep again.

However,

after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again...Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him,
"I am thoroughly impressed with your virility at your age, honey!
I've known men less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a wonderful lover Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says,

"You mean I was here already?"”

“LOL”

“Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a hiking/camping trip.

They had gone to their sleeping bags and were laying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, Holmes, I see millions of stars."

"And what does that mean to you, dear Watson?"

"Well, I guess it means that we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."”

“A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.

Four children lept from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.

The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled at the youngsters. He then told the Father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."”

“yous may have seen this before but i still find it humorous.....

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand.)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.”

“You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
~~~~~
You can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
~~~~~
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
~~~~~
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
~~~~~
a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.”

“A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor."


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little #&%!$ sitting on your lap!"”

“Was the show in Marion,AR?”

“Ha hahahahaha Arky!! I think it was in your neck of the woods this time.”

“Could it have been about redheads instead of blondes?”

“what makes you think about redheads? You know they are nothing but little "FIREBALLS" dont you?”

“I don't know. I don't know any redheads. Do you?”

“A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her
elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."”

“These are from a Washington, D.C. travel agent with 30 years experience
working with our congressmen and women. It will definitely give you
pause to wonder how laws ever get passed if you didn't already wonder!!
_______________________

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (think she was
blonde?)
______________________

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you
look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response ... (click).
_________________________

Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very thin state!!!"
_______________________

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."
_________________________

An aide for a Clinton cabinet member once called and asked if they
could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed
they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to
save time."
_________________________

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week.

She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!
__________________________

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with it, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very
rude?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno,
CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
__________________________

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
_________________________

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on
them."
_________________________

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
__________________________

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one
of those."

I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!"
__________________________

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York." the agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino
anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she admitted!!!


.. Should we be worried about the state of the union?”

“I might be a redhead I will have to check. Oh i will just ask Chili. I like red hair by the way... What about those tickets this weekend????”

“I'm working on the tickets. Now that the Razorbacks are good it is harder. I'll check again this afternoon.”

“She is a redhead.....”

“"She is a redhead....."
pumpkin36

You shouldnt have told, Chili!!!”

“Should Children Witness Childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the
call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she
was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."”

“LMAO, I love it!!!!! Who was the paramedic?




Dont want him around my kids!”

“Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girl friends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids. " The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went. The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking. " Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up? " The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework. "Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went. Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."”

“are women impossible to please?? I dont think so.”

“... Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ...and she's always sound asleep."”

“LMAO... I love it!!!!!!!!!!1”

“ROFFLMAO @ gemini.”

“If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now

be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original

$1,000.00.



With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.



If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the

stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the

10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.



Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily

and recycle. This is my new retirement program; I call it my 401-Keg

program.”

“This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.”

“Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone
on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000.
Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: '$60,000."

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on
the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"”

“hehe

Good One !”

“Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea Clinton.”