Friday groaners (U have been warned)

“1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "let me
tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?

5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and since they already made the cases for pocket watches,
decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out
that although their watches were of finest quality, heir compasses were so bad
that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This,
of course, is the origin of the statement, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing
to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong
is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off
my census."

(This last one is for you math folks)

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

“They are groaners, Manuka. but they are Good groaners...”

“Love em dude!”

“Enjoyed, thanks!”

“LOL!!”

“Strolling Roans Rather No Gauss!

Stoned Gatherers Moss No Rollers!

(aHem)


ANYway... there was a guy who had a terrible problem. Whenever he broke wind, it made a distinct and recognizable sound --- as if someone had spoken the word 'HONDA!'. He went to various specialists; asked friends and family, but could find no relief.

Years went by. He had all but given up, when someone at work recommended an accupuncturist. He got an appointment for the next week...

The accupuncturist, a small Chinese man, listened to the man's problem nodded his head and said, "Please to open mouth."

The man was perplexed but complied.

After examining his mouth for a few moments, the Chinese man said, "You have abscess!"

"I don't understand. What is..."

"Have you not heard... 'Abscess makes the fart go honda?'"”

“LOL. Some of those were pretty good.”